The Disappearance of Jessica Stark

24. Feels like War

      I knew the second that I pull the trigger, everything that I was, am, and ever will be, will crumble like sand. If the nine year old version of myself could see me now, holding the barrel of a rifle at another who is no older than I am. She is a child just like me. Everything blurred grey in that moment. All the by-standers faded away, even the grass beneath my feet fell.

      I was left floating in a space so dark that my own hands weren't visible. Although I was blinded, things seemed more clear in that moment. The only noise was the breath escaping my lips. All the pain in my body radiated through my skin and dispersed into the air.

      I leaned my head back, allowing my hair to slowly blow around. This must be what death feels like. Endless floating in a void of black. Then you either land in heaven or hell.

     "Sorry I let you down kid" A familiar echoey voice apologized from somewhere around me. I opened my eyes "I do that a lot nowadays, huh?" He whispered, knowing that she couldn't hear him. But I could. I remember this moment on a private jet, a long long time ago. He thought I was asleep, and I almost was.
"Sorry I can't be the Father you deserve..."

      A flash of lightening illuminated the darkness around me. Through the flashes of electricity, a small bird could be seen flapping its wings towards me. It's outline was black, and the beak was gold. I found myself extending my hand towards the bird.

      When the lightening faded, it disappeared. The black wings faded like smoke. I've had similar dreams in the past. They have been thrown to the back-burner, but every once in awhile they'll inhabit my mind.

      "I found a new job, one that means more to me then anything" The same voice spoke from the black. It almost seemed like a flash-back. I could visually see the classroom in the Malibu elementary school. A group of 4th graders all sat in their desks, while their parents who were dressed in suits stood in the back of the class.

      Written on the chalkboard was 'Parent Career Day'. But there were two people in the scene that I couldn't see, me or my Father. Although I could hear his voice, he was not present in the classroom "My first job now is being a Father. Still, any man can be a Father, but it takes something special to be a Dad, and... I guess you could say I'm still working on it"

      The flashback faded away to a canvas of stars. My body floated through the dark purple sky. I reached my hand out and touched the stars, when my fingers made contact with the sky, a ripple occurred as if I had touched water.

      "So, this is where you disappear to" My Father voice spoke again. He sat next to me on the roof of our home in Malibu. My feet were dangling over the edge of the roof. Dark waves crashed against the cliff below. Above was the beautiful night sky with a full moon "What are you doing up here?"

      "Thinking" I replied, reliving the moment in time that had already occurred. I knew that this wasn't real, I was well aware of the dream. But I wanted it to be real. I wanted to stay in this dream forever. My brain didn't know what words to say but my lips did.

"Thinking about what?"

"Stuff"

"What kind of stuff?"

      I smiled, keeping my eyes on the water. Dad sat down beside me, propping an elbow on his raised knee. We haven't had one of these Father-Daughter moments in awhile. Ever since New York, he's basically locked himself in his Work Shop.

     "Them..." I answered slowly. Dad nodded, understanding who I was talking about "Do you think we'll ever see them again? Thor? Cap? The rest?" I fiddled with the fabric of my pants, remembering how Steve left me in the hallway with his shield.