ur sleeping on the couch

youre making onion rings & im contemplating my death

first of all,
that's a cute bra,
second,
i'm pretty sure the weight of not being able to help my friends with crushing my bones into powder, i could potentially snort this stuff and it'll be better than cocaine. getting high off my shortcomings & lost responsibilities.
third,
if death doesn't let me say goodbye then time isn't letting me say hello, it's running faster away from things than i am? frankly, that's unacceptable, there can only be one serial runner.
fourth,
i'm really glad with what we have? not gonna lie it's basically the same as our relationship but without the boarder & tags- the only difference is that now we're actually taking care of ourselves. i really like it, i hope we don't lose it. and if we end up in love again, let's just— keep it this way, yeah? with the same ideology & habit. because this is the way it should've been.
fifth,
i have the same measuring cups by the way, although i barely use them.
sixth,
i'm constantly ready to fight? i'm losing friends faster than i'm losing tubes of lip balm, and honestly i don't even remember what i'm fighting for anymore.
seventh,
i wanna go dancing with you again, oh my god. that's how our first date should have gone, none of that stupid teenage house party shit- at least we're experiencing what we were supposed to earlier together. i don't think i would've survived if we drifted apart.
eighth,
i feel like i'm in the blind spot of a storm, or the eye of a hurricane, tornado, all that jazz. my life's stationary, but i know nothing's really calm. one bad step and i'll be swept away into something i can't handle. i'm standing in one place, terrified & bored & hopeless. the garden i've planted is organized, yes, but dying.
ninth,
so as it turns out, fear turns me on. i had no idea why i loved horror movies so much, now i do- letting myself be afraid, letting myself be vulnerable. completely surrendering power. because i can't do that, i can't let myself do that- give it up, let myself be taken care of. that's why i consider myself fearless- i can't let anything nerve me, what if someone else is afraid? who's going to look after them?
tenth,
i don't even like onion rings but i'm sure you make them the best (!!)
eleventh,
all my thoughts are so abstract i don't even know who i'm talking to anymore. am i talking to me? her? him? you? all of them? i'm scared to write, now, that i have a captive audience. are you judging me? do you feel what i feel?
twelfth,
i know i'm not always right but holy hot damn most of the time i am !! although i know i make mistakes and i read people wrong sometimes and i fuck up and completely ruin things, and i do feel remorse and i do feel sorry, but i can't let anyone know that or it ruins the picture i've painted.
thirteenth,
i love my family, i really do, but god i can't wait to get the hell out of here. i wish i had a dad. god, i wish i wasn't like this.
fourteenth,
(the word fourteenth is really weird to write by the way idk i don't like it)
i kinda wish i was in love again, but i think i'll just let time fuck shit up until it can't fuck me over anymore. then, maybe.
fifteenth,
o boy i really want to just !! pause everything and just BE. like, not do anything, i just need a breather.
so much breath my lungs will be able to produce oxygen. everything's moving so fast and so slow at the same time it's like i'm drowning in honey.
everything just needs to stop.