sunshine • jihope

7.

Focus, focus, focus.

His breathing only went faster. He tugged on his hair, clinging on to anything that felt real. His tears dribbled down his cheeks, but he couldn't stop them. Everything hurt so much, his head was throbbing and his throat raw from crying. He seriously wished Yoongi was home, but the older man was out of town, visiting family.

The worst part was that he was all too familiar with this feeling. He was having panic attacks at least once a week, sometimes more. They very rarely happened when he slept next to Hoseok, though.

Hoseok. His focal point.

Jimin slowly took his fingers out of his messy hair and shakily grabbed his cell phone. 3:09 a.m.

He hesitated before dialling the number, sniffling and wiping his eyes in a meager attempt to sound like he wasn't breaking down.

"Hello?" Hoseok answered, his voice raspy with sleep. "Jiminie? Are you alright?"

"I. . . I c-can't breathe," he managed to get out, normally smooth tone scratchy and broken.

"I'm coming over, love. Hold on, okay?"

Jimin sighed in relief. "I love you," he said numbly, practically unable to speak. It felt like he had no air, like his lungs were running on nothing.

"I love you too. I'll be there in five."

Jimin hung up the phone and curled up,  flexing his fingers. It didn't feel real. He felt empty and sick and angry and sad and so, so scared. He tucked his knees up to his chest and willed himself to feel something, anything, that wasn't this. This was everything and nothing, he felt it all but still, not enough.

It was so cold.

A knock on the bedroom door minutes later startled him, giving his heart another reason to quicken. The person entered anyways, walking slowly and softly to the bed. Jimin's breath hitched as he felt them go under his knees and his back, pulling him onto their lap. He melted into Hoseok's chest, breathing in the familiar, safe scent.

Hoseok rubbed his back gently, resting his head on Jimin's shoulder. The smaller boy curled up in Hoseok's protective arms, tucking his face against Hoseok's chest and letting out a little sob that simply shattered Hoseok's heart. The elder pulled Jimin closer, gently rocking them.

"I love you, my Jimin. I love you, I love you, I love you," Hoseok whispered, kissing the top of Jimin's head. "I'll protect you, I will always protect you."

Jimin stayed in place, crying softly as Hoseok hummed the tune to some song.

"I-I'm sorry," Jimin mumbled, taking Hoseok's hand from his own waist and interlocking their fingers.

"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, Jimin. Nothing at all."

"I shouldn't have. . . I should've figured it out on my own," Jimin said, lightly kissing Hoseok's hand.

"No, no, I'm so glad you called. I hate the idea of you suffering through this alone, it makes me sick to my stomach," Hoseok said. Jimin detected the hurt in his voice and frowned knowing that he had caused it.

"You're my soulmate, Jimin. Like, literally. I was designed for you, to meet you and love you and protect you. And I take honour in doing so."

Jimin took a deep, shaky breath. Silence fell upon them, Jimin's uneven breathing barely audible. His thoughts were all over the place, along with Hoseok's, but the older wasn't going to admit to it.

"Before I met you, m-my nightmares and anxiety attacks were even worse. It got to the point where I wouldn't sleep for two days straight because I was too scared. I. . . I wanted to end it all, but I was too scared. Yoongi was really worried, since we live together, he saw everything. I-it was like I was falling apart."

"And then I met you, this. . . this bright light, guiding me to colour and out of the dark. You are the brightest thing I have ever seen, so warm and beautiful. I know that I wouldn't be as okay as I am today if you hadn't of given me a reason to fight, a way out. But I still have bad nights, when life knocks the wind out of me and I can't be strong, and I want you to know that I need you. I'm going to need you, for a long time. Forever, maybe. So if you're going to back out and run, now's the time."

Hoseok stayed quiet, listening to Jimin's every word. He tilted Jimin's chin up to look at him, placing his thumb on Jimin's cheek and kissing him innocently. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm yours."

Jimin kisses him again, deepening it, leaning in to Hoseok's warm body. He sat up on his knees and cupped his boyfriends face. Hoseok's arms snaked around Jimin's waist, tugging him closer. Jimin sighed against Hoseok's lips, the negative feelings slowly but surely slipping away. They stay that way for what must've been five minutes, just holding each other.

Until Hoseok pulled his lips away, his arms loosening their grip on hid boyfriends waist. "Jimin, you need to sleep."

Jimin shook his head. "Unless you want to sleep, my only plans are kissing you until the cows come home."

Hoseok tossed the idea around in his head. "Fine." He decided, pulling Jimin down to him and reconnecting their lips. Jimin's heart pounded as he knitted his fingers in Hoseok's hair, giving it a gentle tug. Hoseok moaned softly and Jimin giggled. "You like that?"

Hoseok nodded and kissed the younger again. Every now and then Jimin would tug lightly on his hair, adding gasoline to the fire inside him. Without thinking, he snuck his fingers under Jimin's shirt, causing the boy to jump. "Sorry, sorry."

Jimin giggled, throwing his head back. "It's fine, your hands are just cold."

Hoseok chuckled deeply and locked their lips again, running the tips of his fingers up and down Jimin's spine. Hoseok lightly nipped Jimin's plump bottom lip, smirking at how how roughly his boyfriend tugged on his hair for teasing.

Hoseok tugged on the bottom of Jimin's shirt and lifted it up a little, testing to see Jimin's reaction. The shorter man nodded and Hoseok slipped the thin fabric off, exposing Jimin's muscular frame. "You're incredible," Hoseok said, running his hands up and down Jimin's side before mashing their lips back together.

Hoseok pushed Jimin down onto his back and kissed his neck, sucking lightly. "Mine," he said in a growl everytime he left a mark, lower down each time. "Allllll mine." Jimin smiled and guided Hoseok's soft lips back to his. His panic and fear from earlier was lost in passion and adoration, his cries were replaced with light laughs and deep moans that made him feel perfect.

So maybe Jimin was broken, and maybe Hoseok secretly was too, but the most magical thing about them is that their broken pieces fit together perfectly.
*****

This is actually one of my favourite chapters of the book and i'm not sure why

also: i did a few small time skips in moments where hobi just held jimin. they didn't go from jimin having a panic attack to le intercourse in a few minutes, i do know how panic attacks work and i know you don't just "get over" them.