sunshine • jihope

18.

"You're an asshole, you know that?" Jimin murmured, taking Hoseok's limp hand in his and sitting next to the bed. He looked like a prince while sleeping- a tired and ill prince, but one nonetheless. "How dare you try to leave without saying goodbye," he said, choking up.

He let out a thick sob, pressing his forehead to Hobi's cold hand as he cried.

Yoongi turned away, wiping away the tears that lined his eyes. Strength was all he could give Jimin in this moment, so he had to keep himself together in order to do so.

"I hate you," Jimin whispered under his breath, with his forehead still against Hoseok's hand. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you."

"I know," a raspy voice replied. Jimin's head sprung up. His eyes were red and puffy and tears trickled down from them like a mini waterfall. Hoseok's eyes weakly gazed back at him as he gave a half-hearted attempt of a smile. Jimin launched himself at the boy, wrapping his arms around his neck and  tucking his face in Hoseok's shoulder. His cries became more wild, louder, as Hoseok held him close.

"You're such a dick," Jimin mumbled, a mess of tears. He pulled away enough to meet Hoseok's apologetic eyes. "I know."

"I'm never gonna forgive you for this."

"I know," Hoseok replied again.

"I love you so much, you jerk."

"I know," he spoke slowly. Jimin nuzzled his face back into the crook of Hoseok's neck, inhaling deeply and holding him tight. Hoseok held him close with one arm and fiddled with Jimin's small fingers with the othet hand. His gaze met Yoongi and he apologized silently, recieving a nod as a sign of forgiveness.

"Why didn't you tell me you were sick?" Jimin asked, pulling away and sitting back down but keeping their hands locked together.

"I didn't want you to worry," Hoseok answered.

Jimin rolled his eyes. "Ah yes, because finding out that you collapsed in the street was so much less worrying."

Hoseok chuckled softly. "I'm sorry."

"I know you are. I just wish you had told me so that we could have avoided this."

"How much did you tell him?" Hoseok asked Yoongi curiously.

"That you have a tumour in your brain. That's it, the rest is up to you to tell him. I'm gonna go call the others and tell them to get their asses over here while you're awake," Yoongi said, slipping out the door and closing it gently.

"He's not gonna forgive me either," Hoseok said.

"He already has. He said some. . . not too nice things about you in the apartment, but I know he was just looking out for me. For the both of us. He's a very protective person, but he loves you, whether he wants to admit it or not. You're one of his best friends and he's terrified to lose you," Jimin explained. Hoseok's heart warmed. "Now tell me everything."

"Last month I started getting headaches everyday. I was forgetting things and hurting and it was obviously really concerning, so I went to the doctor. They took a couple tests and called me back. Glioblastoma on the left half of my brain."

Jimin chewed on his full lower lip, and Hoseok could tell he was deep in thought. "How long do you have?" The younger said in a fearful voice.

"I dunno anymore, babe," Hoseok admitted, a fearful twinge in his voice. "They thought I would be good, without the seizures, for a little longer, b-but it appears to be speeding up."

Jimin's hands trembled in Hoseok's grasp. If the cancer was speeding up, that meant he had even less time.

"Why won't you get the surgery?" Jimin asked sadly.

"I don't want to live out the rest of my life with false hope. I want to fight this on my own. I can do it," he said to Jimin, although it sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than his boyfriend.

A single tear leaked from Jimin's eye. "I-I can't lose you, Hoseok. I don't want to imagine life without you, let alone have to live it."

"If I die, I'll still be with you. Just not. . . in person, I guess," Hoseok said, trying to smile.

"That doesn't change that fact that you'll be gone, Hoseok," Jimin scowled. Hoseok chewed on his lower lip, his heart and his mind in battle with each other. His heart wanted him to pull Jimin close and promise that he would go through the surgery. His heart wanted to give Jimin the world, it wanted to marry Jimin and have a long life with him. His mind, however, wanted to be logical. It wanted to hold Jimin's hand and promise him he would do his very best to get better, but he would never be 100% again. His brain knew he had to do what was better for himself and the people around him in the long run.

This time Hoseok was going to go with his head.
----

Everytime they said Hoseok could leave the hospital, something went wrong. The first two times, a seizure. Then complications with his pills. And more recently, vision loss.

The world was a hazy mess of colours. Headaches came more often, and every once and a while he would get a migraine that made him wish he were dead. The effects his illness was having on Jimin were almost as bad for Hoseok. He wasn't sleeping, he only ate a little. He went to work, came to the hospital, got something to eat, and returned. Every now and again Hoseok would wake up to Jimin's soft snores next to him, and they acted like a lullaby.

Jimin hated watching Hoseok fade to nothing. He was a mere scrap of the person he used to be. Smiles and laughs were a rarity. His once brilliant, hopeful eyes dull and unfocused. Hoseok grew pale and hollow, and his voice dulled too; there was no energy.

Hoseok didn't regret his decision. How could he, when even his doctor admitted the surgery wouldn't have worked for long enough?

"Your tumour. . . we haven't seen one quite like it here. It's very strong, Hoseok, and it's attached itself to a vital nerve. If you were to have gone into surgery, there's a 67% chance you would've died when we tried to remove it," his doctor had informed him, Jimin, Jin and Namjoon.

Hoseok had never seen Jimin cry that hard. It broke his heart, to witness the amount of pain the man he loved was going through, all because of him.

The others visited sometimes, too. Jungkook came the least, as the whole thing made him far too angry and thr last thing anyone needed was a fight between Jungkook and the person keeping Hoseok stable. "But they aren't fucking doing anything!" He argued, after snapping at the doctor.

"Kookie, let's go. Hoseok doesn't need this right now, you're going to stress him," Taehyung had begged after the first time. Jungkook had indeed left, but not before hugging Jimin and Hoseok and sneakily flipping the nurse off, causing Hoseok to laugh loudly.

That was the last time they heard Hoseok sound even close to the man he used to be.