sunshine • jihope

16.

warning: possibly sad
i mean i actually no joke cried while writing this chapter so
****

In the ideal world, Hoseok would be cured before it got bad and Jimin noticed that something was seriously wrong. If he was lucky, he would get better before it began to show in the way he walked and how he looked. Before everyone knew that he was dying, essentially.

But that was unrealistic, especially when you're Jung Hoseok, who'd almost never had the odds in his favour or luck on his side.

He slowly noticed his energy decreasing day by day as the sharp pain in his head grew stronger. Some days it got so bad he almost wanted to just do the surgery, but then he saw Jimin's smiling face and he just couldn't. He just couldn't bring himself to worry Jimin like that, just because he was in pain.

That's why he asked for painkillers from his doctor, who, although he disagreed greatly with Hoseok's decisions, gave him some, which helped hugely with the aches. They helped him move around, do the activities that Jimin did and not worry about holding him back.

That was one of Hoseok's biggest fears. Holding Jimin back because he was ill. Jimin had his entire life to live and Hoseok was terrified that he might put that on hold if he knew.

"What are you thinking about?" asked Jimin, playing with the strings in Hoseok's hoodie as he lay across the older boy's lap.

"Nothing," Hoseok said, running his hand up and down Jimin's side soothingly. The younger pulled Hoseok's face in his direction and looked him directly in the eyes. "Something's wrong. I know you, Hobi. I think you forget that sometimes."

Hoseok sighed heavily, breaking away from Jimin's hard gaze. "Just thinking, that's all."

"What about?"

"Nothing important."

"Hoseoook," Jimin whined. Hoseok inhaled sharply at his begging- it was one of his weaknesses.

"It doesn't mat-"

"Stop saying that because it obviously does matter. I wanna know what's bothering you so that I can try and make it better," Jimin said firmly, sitting up and staring Hoseok down.

The older shook his head and Jimin groaned, exasperated with Hoseok's stubbornness. "You're so frustrating sometimes, you know that?" Jimin grumbled, lying back down and closing his eyes.

One of Hoseok's favourite things about Jimin was that he never walked away. Even if Hoseok pissed him off or made him cry, Jimin never left. He grimaced as he realized what an asshole that made him; Jimin never left, yet Hoseok couldn't even do the thing that ensured his stay.

"What would you do if I died?" Hoseok blurted out. Jimin opened his eyes and tilted his head to the side. "What?"

"That's what I was thinking about. What would you do if I died?" Hoseok repeated, strands of his dark hair falling into his face.

"I would be heartbroken, of course. God, just the idea of losing you makes me feel sick, Hobi. But I would keep going. It would hurt, of course. Everyday for the rest of my life, I imagine, but I would keep living my life, because that's what you would want me to do, right?" Jimin said, brushing the hair out of Hoseok's face and cupping his cheek with his hand.

Hoseok smiled. "Of course." And it was true. He would want Jimin to keep going, and he believed his boyfriend when he said he would keep living his life.

"Why are you thinking about that?" Jimin asked. Hoseok shrugged. "Just wondering."

Jimin obviously didn't believe him, but he knew not to push or Hoseok would get frustrated and get a headache. Instead of questioning, he sat up and kissed Hoseok sweetly.

Calm filled Hoseok's system upon Jimin's lips touching his, and he happily wound his arms around Jimin's waist. All his worries melted away with Jimin's warm touch and he felt golden again. Every kiss was as spine tingling as the first, every smile Hoseok felt Jimin press against his lips made him feel strong. Unbreakable, even.

"I had an idea," Jimin said, pulling away for a moment. Hoseok's eyes and lips smiled while Jimin spoke.

"What's that?"

"Maybe, if you're up for it, I mean, we could move in together eventually?" Jimin asked, a dusty rose blush settling into the apples of his cheeks.

Hoseok nodded. "Whenever you're ready. Would you want to move here, escape Yoongi?"

Jimin giggled, throwing his head back blissfully. He nodded. "That would be perfect."

In the pit of his stomach Hoseok felt guilt. His gut told him no. No, you're just going to hurt him more, but his heart wanted nothing more than to wake up next to Jimin everyday. Hoseok had a nasty habit of following his heart, no matter what disaster it led to. And it very often ended in just that.
----

"What's up with you?" Yoongi asked immediately, sitting down across from Hoseok. The younger raised an eyebrows curiously. "What are you on ab-"

"You know what I'm talking about, Hoseok. Don't play games," Yoongi sais sternly. Hoseok looked down at his coffee.

The radio station was the two parttime rappers play area. They produced, rapped, and goofed off. And they got paid for it. They stared at each other for a minute, as if they were fighting with just their eyes. Hoseok looked away and sighed, letting Yoongi win.

"I-I went to the doctor the other day. Pain in my head," Hoseok said bitterly, fighting the overwhelming urge to cry. "They took a couple tests and I got the results maybe two weeks ago. Tumour."

Yoongi's heart dropped. He was speechless, to say the least. Imagine meeting and become friends with someone. Imagine this someone being your best friends soulmate. Now imagine finding out that person had cancer. The room grew too small in that moment. A few minutes past of pure quiet.

"H-how long do you have?" Yoongi finally spoke. Hoseok shrugged.

"If I get the surgery to get rid of it, I will most likely live as long as any other human. If I don't, at most a few years," Hoseok spoke in a small voice.

"You're getting the surgery, right?"

Hoseok's silence spoke louder than any words, and even though Yoongi already knew the answer, he asked again.

Hoseok shook his head. "I don't want to live my life with everyone worrying if it'll stay gone. I don't want to make people hope for nothing."

Yoongi rubbed his forehead. His frustration was obvious, but it wasn't towards Hoseok. "At least you'll have a chance at living! C'mon, Hoseok, you aren't thinking this through!"

"I am. I'm not doing the surgery," he said, stone cold.

"Why? Why are you throwing your life away?"

When Hoseok couldn't answer, the small radio room become to enclosed for him to handle. He had to go.

Yoongi stood up, and Hoseok saw the anger and sadness in his eyes. "Where are you going?"

Yoongi ignored him and walked out, only to be followed closely. "Yoongi, where are you going?"

Yoongi whipped around. "Does he know?" He asked accusingly. "Does Jimin know?"

Hoseok halted in his spot. "No."

Yoongi shook his head. "I can't believe you. You're gonna break his heart. I trusted you to take care of him, but you can't even do that. Fuck you."

And with that, he was out the door.