Gazzy and I have been dating for a few months now, and we've been through some crazy shit. From shootings, touring, getting roofied, crazy groupies-
Just trust me.
But we love eachother, despite everything. I love his goofy ass. And I can't wait to...
I've never wanted a tour to end so bad in my fuckin life. I've never had to drag myself through something like that. And I thought my dumb ass was depressed before. Nothin even touches this feeling. Purp told me to try with her... and I have been. For 3 weeks. 3 weeks, she hasn't said anything to me. She hasn't posted anything anywhere. The only reason I know she's even okay is because of her read receipts.
She's read everything I've sent, but she ain't said shit, and I don't blame her. Its gonna kill me if I get back home and all her shit is gone. But I deserve it. People have been sayin all kinds of shit online. About me, about her, but fuck it, you know? Nobody knows us but us.
Ever since that night, I haven't gone out. No matter what the circumstances, no matter who's pressuring me, no matter what city I'm in. I force myself to get through the show, and I come straight back to my hotel room. I didn't have the strength do anything even if I wanted to. Everybody's been tryna hype me up but.. I just don't feel anything without her. I feel terrible about what I did, and what I probably woulda done if Purp hadn't been there to stop me.
I took my last few xans, crushed them up with the corner of my phone, made 2 neat lines with my black card, took a rolled up hundo and did them both. This was literally in the bathroom, 5 minutes before the plane took off. I didn't want to spend the whole flight in my head. I just wanna fuckin sleep...
Elle's Point of View
I was sitting on the floor in the foyer of Gazzy's house. He comes home today, I haven't seen him in a whole month, and it disappoints the shit out of me to say I still miss him, my body aches every time I think of him. Also, you may be disappointed in me as well: I haven't figured anything out. I just figured he'd walk in, and somehow I'd magically know what to fucking say once I see his face.
Ha.
Jahseh had convinced me to go back to work and school a couple weeks ago, even though my heart wasn't in it.
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Gazzy walked in about an hour later, he had his earbuds in, he looked...terrible. His eyes and cheeks were all sunken in, his dreads and facial hair looked unkempt.. although I'm pretty sure I don't look much better. My heart stopped. We just stood there, staring at eachother. I had so much I wanted to say, but the words wouldn't come out. I felt so much in this one moment, as our two broken souls craved eachother so badly. He opened his mouth to say something but quickly shut it, probably thinking whatever he was going to say wasn't enough. And it probably wasn't...
My body acted on auto-pilot. He dropped all of his bags. I went to him, I couldn't help it. I stood right in front of him. He wrapped his arms around me. I leaned into him in reply. That scent... his scent. Cologne and smoke. I started to cry, hard. To my surprise, so did he. His body shuddered with every breath. He buried his face in my curls.
Still, neither of us said anything. He was holding on to me so tight, I finally caved and held him back. Both of our legs gave, and we fell onto the mahogany floor.
"I-I..." I stammered
"Don't." He choked "I... I love you. I don't expect you to feel the same anymore. I-I fucked up... you didn't deserve that. You deserve so much more than this, Elle-"
He paused to breathe for a moment
"You deserve more out of ya life than this..."
"Sh-Shut up..." I cried "Just shut up... Don't talk, please. I feel horrible... I feel like...someones been standing on my chest for a month. I-I hate this. I hate this lifestyle, I want my life back... but I can't have it because of you..."
I hit his chest with my fist, weakly.
"I'm s-sorry baby..." He stuttered
"I love you so much... but I fucking hate you.." I cried, I didn't think I had any tears left, but I guess I did, they flowed freely "I hate you..."
Gazzy leaned back and looked into my eyes for the first time. He cupped my face with both hands. Tears fell from his big brown eyes.
"I'm sorry I brought you into all of this... I'm selfish. I'm sorry for what I did to you..." His voice broke "But I c-can't let you go."
He moved a few stray curls away from my face. Every bone in my body wanted to leave, to run and never look back, to forget...But I was so powerless. Am I fucking stupid? Is this what i love is? What if I stay and I get hurt again, what if I leave and I can't live without him...
