Outside the Lines (lashton)

(32)

"Okay Luke, your discharge date is set for Monday the twentieth," a nurse on my treatment team tells me. We're currently in a meeting, assessing how my overnight pass went. I was completely honest with them, and told them about my breakdown in the shower. This didn't seem to effect my outcome on discharge though, thank goodness. They go over a few finishing details, one being that I won't have to gain as much weight. Since my BMI is 17.6, I'm still underweight. While being here, apparently I've gained 1.2-1.8 kilograms each week - which seems really high to me but they assure me that it's a form of treatment that's affective, to gain more weight in order to recover in a shorter time frame. Once I'm discharged, I'll only have to gain 0.9 kilograms per week until I reach a healthy weight.

I walk out of the meeting nervous but smiling. Olivia comes running up to me, while a nurse yells at her for running, and asks me how the meeting went.

I feel bad, because her meeting didn't go as smoothly as mine did. When she got home, she purged all her meals and cried herself to sleep. I felt so bad for her when she told me and we hugged it out, giving her my support through the embrace.

"I get to be discharged Monday," I say with a sad smile, still feeling sympathetic for her.

"That's so wonderful Luke, I couldn't be happier for you," she says grabbing my hands. "It's Friday, so that means I only have three more days left with you. Gotta make them last. Wanna go play some cards with Colin and Tori?" she asks happily.

I beam my smile back to her, and say, "Sure thing Liv, let's go."

~

The day comes and I'm all packed up, saying my goodbyes to everyone. Olivia actually cries happy tears for me, so pleased that I'm recovering from such a terrible disease, as I'm apparently one of the nicest people she's met to date and deserve the best in life. I exchange my number with her so we don't lose contact. I do this with a few other people in the center that I've made close friends with, including Colin and Tori.

When Ashton arrives, since both my parents are working again, he comes into the center and waits for me to sign my discharge papers. When I finally finish, he grabs my bag and carries it to the car for me.

"Excited to go home?" He asks me, the afternoon sky bright behind him.

"Uh... I was yesterday but now I'm really nervous, what if I fuck up? I mean, I'm still meant to be gaining weight out of the treatment centre. They say my BMI is 17.6 and it needs to be at least over 18.5 in order to be considered not underweight. So, I'm nervous about gaining even more weight," I confess to him, climbing into the passenger seat of his car.

"You'll do just fine, don't worry Luke. You've made it this far," he comforts me.

I try to smile back at him but for some reason, I don't completely believe him. There's just so much that can go wrong. Back to not being supervised twenty four seven. It'll be such a huge change.

He must notice my unease because he reassures me that everything will be okay. I only half believe him this time.

The car ride home contains music and us singing along to the songs. It's strangely peaceful, being able to have this time with Ashton.

When we get home, Ashton unlocks the front door with the key my parents must have given him, and we walk in. The first thing I do is flop on the couch and finally open the group chat text from Steven, Marie, and Sammy. I didn't want to open it on my home pass because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to text them for a while, the fear of failing eating at home too overwhelming. I was afraid I'd text them and then wouldn't be able to text them for a while. But everything turned out fine. I need to stop letting my fears and worries run me. I'm in charge of myself, not them.