Outside the Lines (lashton)

(46)

It's officially the beginning of day three. By ten tomorrow I'll be out of here.

After the boys left yesterday, Zack talked to me about staying another week. I immediately shot it down, not wanting to be stuck here any longer. He wanted to make sure I would be stable as they've changed my meds the day I came in here. They want to make sure I won't have any side effects, especially worsened thoughts of suicide. But it's not mandatory, so I'm going to be leaving tomorrow.

Plus, the faster I leave here, the faster I can get Partial Hospitalisation Program over with.

I don't really know how I'm feeling towards PHP. Part of me feels like it'll be another failure to add to the list, while another side of me is hoping it helps. I don't want to keep hurting the people I love.

Calum's words really stuck with me, how I should do it for them if I can't do it for myself right now. Of course, you should recover for yourself, but if you aren't capable of doing that, it's good to recover for another reason.

Last night I ate dinner. Not because I've changed my mind or anything, but because I was feeling more faint than usual and needed to feed myself something. It wasn't anything major, just some cereal from the small kitchen. The dinner that was served to everyone was cheese steaks... that was not going to happen.

Although I know I should have ate breakfast, or at least tried, I didn't. Instead, I went right on the bike, feeling guilty for eating last night. I needed to though, I shouldn't feel guilty yet I do. This disorder makes my head hurt honestly.

While looking out the window, I notice a few more people surrounding the hospital than usual. Usually the streets are busy with a few people walking, but it seemed like there are people waiting outside this morning. I don't dwell on it for long though since group is starting soon.

We have music therapy for our first group of the day and it makes me feel really good, actually. Josh, the music therapist, brings in a guitar. He asks if anyone here plays. When no one raises their hand, I do. He asks if I want to play and I happily obliged. Playing makes me happy.

I mention this after playing a song and, after getting praise from everyone on my playing, Josh asks if I play often. I mentioned that I haven't really been playing recently, that I've taken up a bad coping mechanism instead, but that I should try to start playing again.

He seems pleased with this answer. He brought sheet music for songs we were going to play for the session. We analyze lyrics and listened to the rhythm. It was a great therapy session. After walking out of the room, I feel very calm.

Then lunch happens.

I sit down at a table alone, not really wanting to talk to anyone. Lunch is hamburgers and veggie burgers, but I put a bowl of cereal in front of me, willing myself to eat it. 

In the end I get up and go to the bike because I could feel myself working myself into an anxiety attack and I want to avoid it. Maybe it's not the best coping mechanism, but it works.

Halfway through the second group - which is super boring anyways so I doubt I'm missing out on much - I'm pulled in for an appointment with Zack and my doctor. We go over my discharge plans. Zack has pulled a list of places together for Partial Hospitalisation Programs that treat eating disorders. I thank him, but also ask which one is the most private, as I had already been recognised my a fan already and don't want that to happen again. He says he will look back into the list he gave me and order them by privateness. I am extremely grateful for Zack.

After that appointment is free time, which I spend taking a long shower. Nurses check in every five or ten minutes while you're in your room, and my hour shower seems to grant me more frequent visits to my room, probably worrying them. But it was only to calm me down, as I was growing anxious for dinner.