Sincerely, Jaida

anus

Jaida

Dear God?

Forgive me for I chose ruin and believe me when I say, he is not the first wish of mine that never came true

Forgive me for I feel nothing but blue, for I doubt anyone will come to my rescue.

Forgive me for my knees buckled and gave in, for the lungs that tightened right on cue

Forgive me for the mess I make as my fragile heart shatters, it's a shame that the ones you love can either save or destroy you

Forgive me for I chose ruin and believe me when I say, he is not the first wish of mine that never came true

It's hard to forget how a young atheist resorted to God to solve her pain.

I couldn't possibly try to describe the hurt I felt once I realized that the one person I valued the most had become a stranger. A stranger who never wanted me in the first place. A stranger who didn't see the pain he was causing. Pain that engulfed me entirely. I defended him so loyally when Sheila would recall her memories of him.

He wasn't there when I was born. He never picked me up from school. He was not around.

This is someone I held over my own mother. Someone who I defended even when committing the worst against me. I never told my mother that I remembered. I remembered everything so clearly. I may have been a child, but how could I forget?

How could I forget that I was only seven-years-old? Mother and I were separated once they divorced. He, who never picked me up from school had shown up at the gates a little too early. An hour later, we picked up his sister with our bags in our car and then we were at the airport. Kidnap, Sheila had called it, but I smiled all throughout the flight. Why?

Because he was spending time with me. Because I was wanted by my father. Because I believed I proved myself worthy of his love. Because he told me that mother would join us later. Because I was a naive little girl who had put her father on a fucking pedestal that he never deserved.

Then my aunt told me that my mother didn't want me. Brutally honest, I'll give her that much. The smile on my face and the trust I built had gotten smaller.

We travelled inter-state with no plans for the near-future. He hadn't planned a place to stay or a means of income. So his sister went back to their parent's house. He dropped me off at a friend's house and he went to 'work' with his friends. I didn't stay at that friend's house for long. Over the next year, I had no home. Seven-years-old and I was homeless. Unlike TomTom is, I wasn't as cheery. I would cause trouble for every family I stayed with till my father had to drop me off with his sister.

I had never appreciated someone so much till my aunt took me in. But even that didn't last. Nothing ever did.

She was much worse than my own father.

Call me Mum.

But mothers aren't meant to kick their kids out when they couldn't handle them. At least not when they are just nine-years-old. But this mother of mine did. Mothers should protect their children, she fucking didn't. But then again it was my fault. I shouldn't have had high hopes. I already established that love is not unconditional. My mother hadn't called me in three years and my father couldn't bear to spend more than five minutes with me. My mum didn't know where I was and had no way of contacting me and my father was just too busy.

But I still smiled widely at him when he got begged to come and see me. I still kissed the floor he walked on. I always did.

I wasn't just deranged, I was weakening my mental health day-by-day. I developed two types of anxiety, a panic disorder as well as post-traumatic stress disorder. The cherry on top was the crippling depression I never wore on my face. I smiled even when I looked in the mirror and saw the scar on my chest. Nine-years-old and death never sounded so fucking good.