savior

twenty

DAY SEVENTEEN; FOURTEEN DAYS TO GO

When I was younger, I didn't think twice about the difficulties of life. Back then, everything was almost perfect. I had a nice, happy family that was all together, smiling, having cookouts, going to the park like the other members of our neighborhood, and no matter what came our way, we always had a solution. We could come together to fix our mistakes, and even laugh about things that had gone wrong, altogether as a family. No one was angry at the other for something they had done. My parents were together and happy.

Since the divorce, I never actually sat back and thought about all of that. It never occured to me how much I missed my dad being around, dancing along in the kitchen with my mom to their favorite songs from when they were kids, laughing and kissing and enjoying each other's company. Or when he came home from work, and even if he was exhausted, he'd sit down and ask me about my day or help me with homework. There wasn't a hint of hate.

But all of that was gone now. My mother made a few mistakes, ruining it for the whole family, especially my father, Kaitlynn, and I. We were innocent. We had no idea what was going on behind the scenes in my mother's life. I actually thought she cared.

As I sat laid back in Dad's old recliner—he knew Kaitlynn and I loved it so much, that he left it here instead of taking it to his new house in Florida—I couldn't help but reminisce. We had so many great memories.

We had a lot of water guns. Our neighbors gave them to us when their son moved out, saying since he was going off to college, he didn't need them. When Kaitlynn was four and I was eight, Dad used to bring them outside, and when we weren't looking, he'd take a shot at us. We ended up soaked, tired, and dirty from slipping on the grass and dirt. Mom would video tape these little battles.

There were other times, when the two of us danced in a ballet recital, and Kaitlynn accidentally bumped into another girl and ended up knocking down the whole class. Our ballet coach was so embarrassed. Parents were mad, but we just got a kick out of the whole thing.

It was sad thinking that none of that was ever going to happen again. Our family was broken in two.

I continued to sulk in the chair, rewinding and fast forwarding through all of our old family tapes. A heavy weight made its way into my heart. I hadn't felt so down in a long time. Before the welling tears were about to spill, my cell phone started to ring. I paused the tapes, set the remote down, and answered the phone, hoping it was Kaitlynn asking if it was clear to come back home. I didn't bother to check the caller I.D.

"Hello?" I answered, my voice a little shaky.

It wasn't Kaitlynn on the phone. That only made me even more sad. She wouldn't be coming home for a long time, not if she still felt angry towards Mom. She could hold grudges like it was her job. I felt hot tears sprinkle down my cheeks at the thought. Our family was never going to be normal.

"Regan, what's the matter? Are you okay?" the voice asked. I recognized it instantly. Ashton had called me. I nodded my head, although he couldn't see me, even if I wasn't okay. Things would never be okay again. He took my silence as an answer to his question.

I never saw myself getting so fussy about these things. For so long I had bottled up all of my thoughts and emotions inside. But the quiet in the apartment was different than usual; I couldn't help but think about the past when it was buzzing with noise all the time.

"Can I come over? We can go to the roof," he offered. I shook my head again, still not caring that he couldn't see me. He sighed on the other line. "I'll meet you up there, alright?"

"Okay," I croaked out.

Every time I cried, a lump always formed inside of my throat, holding back all of the sobs I was scared to let out, like they were being held captive by someone. It was hard to talk when that lump was there, because all that wanted to come out were gasps and tears. Sometimes it embarrassed me; when the lump got too big and forced out those sobs and gasps and tears. I was just a big mess.