savior

fifty seven

5 HOURS TO GO

I pushed Ashton off of me. "What do you mean your last day?" I asked him, feeling my heart absolutely shattering. Ashton opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it again, like he knew he should say something but wasn't sure of which words to use. I climbed off of my bed, in search of my shirt. 

"Well, you know. I thought we already talked about this?" Ashton said, picking himself up and walking towards me. He picked up my shirt and handed it to me. I pushed it over my head and onto my torso, restricting any view Ashton could get.

Suddenly I felt so stupid. Ashton wasn't spending time with me just to spend time with me. He was doing it because he knew it would be the last time we got to be together before he killed himself. That explained the little ice cream date, and the bear, and the train ride. He was reliving the few cute moments we shared together. 

Ashton released a small sigh before grabbing his t-shirt from the floor and throwing it on as well. He tried grabbing my arm, but I just jerked it back. I was getting mad, and I knew Anger had no giant effect this time. Ashton hurt me. I felt so used. 

"Armel, why are you mad? You should have expected it to happen sometime!" he said loudly, coming closer to me again. I felt the giant lump come take action and I knew that this wasn't going end well. "Don't you understand? Everybody leaves. Now it's my turn."

Tears pricked at my eyes and I didn't stop them from falling. He was being dead serious. Ashton was going to leave the world, just because he thought everyone was leaving him. Did he not know that everyone still had his back? We all cared about him and wanted the best for him. "No one left you, Ashton. You're pushing them all away!" I said back in a sharp tone. I was hoping that for once he'd listen to somebody. 

Ashton opened my door and headed out into the living room, grabbing the coat that he had taken off earlier in his hands. "And now you're just going to leave? Just like that?" I asked, walking quickly behind him. My face was burning red in anger and Ashton didn't seem to care. 

He was so close to the door now. Everything was ruined. Our great day ended up being squished like a bug because of Ashton's decision and I felt like my whole world was spinning. "In case you didn't notice, Armel, things were already going downhill with everyone I surrounded myself with before I even made this decision. In case you didn't notice, Armel, my best friend left my side because of you. In case you didn't notice, Armel, my other best friend decided to spend time with a girl that didn't give a shit about him over me. In case you didn't notice, Armel, you can keep trying to make things better but you certainly haven't yet." 

Ashton placed a hand on my shoulder and left it there for a few seconds. He leaned down and kissed my lips once more before turning around to open the door. Before he could get to the handle, I grabbed his arm and spun him around. 

"What about everyone you leave behind? How do you think they're going to feel when you're gone, Ashton?" I deadpanned, hoping he'd understand what I was trying to say. Hopefully if I made him realize how he was going to effect everyone, he'd think twice about it. I needed to do something to get him to change his mind. 

I had never saved someone's life before. I didn't know what to say to make everything okay. How was I supposed to get him to change his mind? I didn't know any of this was going to happen at the start of this. I just thought if I spent enough time with him, he'd be happy again and wouldn't even consider ending anything. 

"Hopefully better than I feel right now," he answered softly, looking me in the eye. His gaze fell to the floor. I just wanted to hug him and make him feel better. I wanted him to know everything was okay. 

But I was still mad. "Ashton, they're going to sit around wondering what they did wrong all the time, blaming themselves for this. They love you. Why don't you understand that people care about you?" I questioned, hoping he'd understand. 

"Because it's all just an act! Whenever a better off comes along, they always leave me behind in the dust! Why don't you understand that this is what'sbest for everyone? I'm so tired of watching people walk away from me for someone better. I'm tired of feeling like I mean nothing," Ashton explained, his voice cracking with every  few words. "Nobody loves me like you say they do. If they did, I'd be content with life and I wouldn't want to fucking end it." 

And I took that as a cue to finally tell him how I felt about him. He just needed to know. Maybe if he did he would think twice about this whole ordeal and we could all finally be happy. There would be less problems, more smiles, less heartbreak, more love. Ashton deserved to be the happiest person in the world.  No one else was giving him the time of day. But I was determined to be the person that finally did. 

"But I love you!" I shouted him, wishing he'd get the big picture. 

At first, this whole thing was about seeing him alive after the deadline, and seeing myself alive by then, too. After spending so much time with him, I realized that that wasn't the only thing I wanted.I wanted to love Ashton, and here I was, loving him with all of my heart. I didn't know that I could fall in love so fast.

I loved Ashton for everything he was. I loved his smile and his slightly crooked teeth. I loved his laugh and the way his voice rolled so softly off of his tongue. I loved the way he instantly made everything better when he was in the room. I loved the little, funny things about him, like how he liked it when I touched his chest or kissed him a certain way.

Ashton frowned. "You—you love me?" 

He started to back away, keeping his eyes on me as he stepped closer to the door. "Yes, Ashton, I do. I'm in love with you. Can't you see?" I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks and I didn't know how to stop them. 

The door was opened and Ashton looked at it, debating whether or not he wanted to leave. He didn't. He appeared right by my side, rested his thumbs under my eyes to wipe off the tears. Ashton brought his lips to my forehead, letting them linger there for a really long time. He released another sigh and kissed the side of my face. 

"Then I am so sorry," he whispered. And then he left. 

I was all alone in the middle of my living room, anger seeping through my veins. The whole room was spinning. I felt so dizzy. Finally it got to the point where I was screaming at myself and throwing things around the apartment. I grabbed a few coats that were hanging on the wall and threw them at the door. At one point I grabbed whatever was next to me and threw it down to the floor, hoping that it would break, just like my heart had broken. 

And within twenty minutes, my vision was blurry and I couldn't see anything but darkness. I fell to the floor with a loud thud, without feeling any pain in any part of my body. 

I felt dead.