savior

forty nine

DAY THIRTY; ONE DAY TO GO

When Ashton gave me the news about his mom, I tried my absolute best to comfort him, but he wouldn't let me. Whenever I tried to hug him, he'd just sit there in my embrace, staring at a wall as I held him. And when I removed strands of hair out of his face, he'd just release a sigh and look back down at his bed that we were sitting on. 

We hadn't move from the spot. Ashton kept his eyes on the duvet instead of looking at me. Occasionally, his gaze would shift to a dresser drawer. One time when he noticed that I was looking at it, too, he kissed me on the cheek and told me, "I'd better take the kids over to my gram's house, or something. They haven't seen her in a while." 

"Oh," I said. "Well, okay. Yeah. That'd be good for them." 

Ashton nodded in response and then lifted himself from his bed. His eyes showed only sadness when I looked into them. If I were able to, without him getting uncomfortable, I'd hug him as much as I could until he was happy again. I really did feel bad for him for what he was going through.

And then I felt selfish. At my own apartment was my mom, moving around, breathing, and living like a normal person would. She wasn't diagnosed with any illnesses. Maybe her health wasn't all that great because of the amount of alcohol she took in, but she wasn't close to death. She wasn't in a coma. But Ashton's was. And as I sat there hating what my mother had become, Ashton was mourning over his own mother, who was so close to being gone. I felt so guilty for not spending as much time with my mother as I could, while that what Ashton was hoping for. I took advantage of the fact that my mom was still all right. I was terrible. 

"They don't need to be around all of this stuff," Ashton murmured quietly, taking something out of the door he'd been staring at. He shoved it in his pocket before I could see what it was. "I'll be back in a few hours. You should go home, spend time with your family or something." He looked down at the ground. My heart sunk in my chest. I began to feel even more guilty. "I'll call you." 

This time I was the one to get off of the bed. I wrapped my arms around Ashton, engulfing him in a giant hug. He needed to know I was there for him in this whole situation. I knew that Death was probably behind all of this, and now that his project was complete, I was going to give him a piece of my mind. Ashton didn't do anything for a moment, as I expected at first, but when he finally hugged me back, and started to breathe a little heavy in my ear, I kissed him on the cheek and we parted. 

I wished bad things weren't happening to them. It was all because of Death, because he just wanted Ashton and I to die. He wanted to be stronger. Dying souls gave him strength. But I doubted Ashton and I would make a difference. I didn't want us to make a difference. 

Ashton threw on his coat. Before he could exit his bedroom, I asked, "What about you? Why aren't you going to stay to see her?" 

And he did nothing but nod and walk out of the room. I followed after him, watching him direct Lauren and Harry to pack a bag of clothes to wear during the week. They were going to take a train to their grandmother's house, he had told them, and that seemed to excite them. So they scrambled off in search of some things to bring. 

As he waited, Ashton grabbed a few pudding cups from the fridge. He peeled off the top of one and started eating the dessert with his fingers. When he noticed that I was watching him, he stopped. "What?" he asked, wondering why I was staring at him. 

"Aren't you going to visit your grandma, too?" I asked. 

I knew that Ashton really couldn't go to see his grandparents because I still needed to save his life, but I still wanted to know why he was isolating himself from it. If they all hadn't seen her in a while, why wasn't he going to go talk to her, catch up with her? Surely she'd miss him, too. All grandparents loved to see their grandchildren come for a visit. 

"I only need the kids away for a while. I can tell you now, they probably won't understand anything that will happen this week," Ashton said, scooping more pudding with his finger. "My mom is in a fucking coma, Armel."

"They'll find out eventually," I muttered under my breath. 

Ashton must have heard what I said, even though I didn't intend for him to. He just chuckled and threw away his pudding cup, which still contained half of the contents. "I know they will, sweets, but I just don't want them to be scared right now. Who knows if she'll live or die? Nobody does. Hopefully she'll live, and if she does, then I won't have to mention the coma at all. If she dies, I'll tell them the cancer finally took her. I don't know." 

I wasn't sure if Ashton really knew what he was doing. it sounded like he was going to leave his siblings with their grandma until their mom woke up or passed. A coma could last a very long time. I couldn't even imagine how lonely Ashton would be without hearing his siblings talking and playing around the house. 

After a few minutes, Lauren and Harry reappeared and Ashton smiled at me. "I'll see you later, okay?" he said, walking closer to me. He pressed his slightly chapped lips to mine. He kissed me for a really long time, like he totally forgot that his siblings were actually in the room now. His hands cupped my face as my hands balanced me on the kitchen counter behind me. 

Behind us, I could hear the two young ones gagging and pretending to throw up all over the place. Well, Harry was. I don't think I heard Lauren make a noise. When Ashton and I parted, my cheeks were flushed. Lauren looked over to something other than Ashton and I. But Harry stood there with a smile on his face. 

Ashton told the two to follow him out the door. Beforehand, he instructed me to go home and relax and wait for him to call me. Lauren stayed behind in the kitchen where I was. I don't think Ashton even noticed. 

Lauren sat there, looking at me expectantly, like I was going to know what was on her mind before she even said anything. Then she took in a deep breath. "Tristan and I broke up," she told me. I couldn't tell if she was upset or just waiting for me to say something, but she brought her eyes down to look at the kitchen counter. 

"Oh, wow. I'm so sorry, Laur," I said. Before I could say more, she stopped me.

She shook her head. "Don't be sorry. I dumped him. He was so rude to you guys. I didn't like him all that much anyways," she said. "I wanted to tell you first. Ashton doesn't know."

Part of me felt really good knowing that wanted to tell me this information first. Ashton was her brother, yet she still hadn't told him. I really liked Lauren and I was super happy that she liked me enough to let me in on the events they occured in her life. I wondered how extremely relieved Ashton would be when he found out.

Then Lauren said something else.

"I was going to say something to my mom, too, but she's not really, um, available right now for me to do so. Ashton thinks I don't know."

"How'd you hear?"

Ashton was calling her name from the door. He must have just realized that she wasn't waking with them down to the lobby. His head was poking in. Lauren pointed one finger towards him, telling him that she'd be there in a second. Ashton closed the door.

"My bedroom is right next to his, and he's not very quiet," she told me. And the next thing she said could've had me doing the spit-take if I had a beverage in my hand. "So if you guys wanna . . . you know . . . I'd hear everything. That's a little disturbing, actually."

"I think it's time for you to go now," I said, feeling the heat rise up in my cheeks. Lauren started laughing, but she agreed with what I said and started towards the door.

And if Ashton had heard that, I'd have no idea what to do.