Only Mine

25

I couldn't go back to our apartment after seeing all that. No, not our, his apartment. Because exactly what I assumed happened - I would go all in for us to make it work and he wouldn't be able to handle our relationship, leaving me a mess and "homeless". And now I'm exactly where I didn't want to be. Stuffing essentials and work clothes in my small suitcase with big fat tears smearing my cheeks and deciding whether to go to my mum's place or my sister's. But there isn't really a choice. I can't let my mum see me like this, and Becca knows the situation far better. Brian is another story, however. He'll be furious.
I gather my things as quickly as possible, dreading seeing him come home and just as much scared of him not coming after me. I'm already confused, but I know him not fighting for us will shatter me completely.
I walk out of the apartment in haze, realizing I didn't glance at anything that reminded me of our time together and by the time I snap out and blink, I already stand in front of my car. Jake's car is nowhere to be found, and my heart breaks just a little bit more.

Becca's eyes don't show any shock when seeing me at her doorstep with a suitcase, which tells me how much people didn't expect us to work. I almost turn around if it wouldn't be for her arms pulling me in a strong hug, making me crumble and slide to the floor.
This is how the next few days go. I report sick to work, which isn't a complete lie. My eyes are puffy and swollen from all the crying and I lost a few kilos since my appetite was close to zero.

When Brian saw me that first day he stomped out of the apartment with anger marring his entire face and didn't come back for a few hours with an even worse expression on his face - pity was nestled next to the anger. I hate people seeing me like this. I am not weak. I'm really not. But I also never felt what I felt for Jake. How is it possible to fall so hard for a guy when he doesn't even see himself having a future with me? I felt we were on the same page, it's not possible I was alone in all that.
And these are just the thoughts torturing my mind for the entire week without giving me any kind of closure.

The fact my phone didn't ring once nor there were any messages, didn't help me have any hope in fixing us. Brian refused to tell me what they talked, except that I deserve better, which just made me feel worse.

—

By the time Sunday rolls around the corner I come to a new resolve. We are not going to let things float around unfinished. I want him to tell me in the face he doesn't want me and that he chooses the life of whoring around. I'm not letting it all go without a proper closure. Only that way I'll be able to move on.

That's why I'm currently standing in front of his building, my heart thumping in my chest, wondering what I'll say and dreading at the same time he won't care enough to talk to me. And then just before I put the key that I'll have to probably return, in the keyhole, the thought of him not even being home crossing my mind. Or even worse, what if he's not alone? Oh God, that thought alone makes me tremble and bring tears to my eyes, the keys falling on the floor with a loud noise.

I crouch quickly to pick them up, but nothing happens. Utter silence remains behind the closed doors. So I put the key in the keyhole and let myself in. I am met with dark apartment, everything eerie quiet and I get an unexplicable sense nobody is in here. And not just at the moment. Like nobody lived here. With lead in my gut I drag myself further in the apartment and with no signs of life, I charge for our bedroom.
His bedroom, his! I can't keep forgetting there is no 'our'.
The bed is perfectly made, certainly nobody slept in it that night. The curtains are shadowing over the windows, giving the room a gloomy feeling that makes goosebumps rise on my skin. A half closed closet gets my attention and my feet carry me there slowly, knowing in advance what I'll find.
Most of the closet is empty. His clothes are gone, except for winter boots and a few shirts, nothing's inside.
He left? Left where? Oh my god, for good?
My heart thunders furiously in my chest and stops beating at the same time, my hands shaking and clammy and I can't help a loud sob escaping my mouth. And the most depressing thought - he didn't even reach out and try to fix us. He just left, simply left.

It's around that time I crumble on the bed, tears of anger and hurt sliding down my face. I want to trash furiously around the place for leaving me, for hurting me, for cheating. But his intoxicated scent is still floating around me and making me bury my face in his pillow, dragging last inhales of our life together in my lungs, of the future we could have had if he would just give us a chance. We were doomed from the start.

Hours later and with red puffy eyes, I finally drag myself out of the apartment, the last look around the place almost bringing me to my knees. And just before I sit in my car, something occurs to me.
Surely Brian knows he left. They are always keeping each other updated. Does this mean Becca knows also and she just left me cry and cry not knowing what to do without telling me he already left?
I'm parking in front of their apartment without remembering how I got there and quickly get myself up to their place. I open the door loudly and get myself inside, heading for the kitchen where their voices are coming from.

"Hey, sweetie, how was..."
Becca and Brian look at me alarmingly at my probably swollen face and anger marring my features.

"What happened, Jess? Are you OK?"
Brian's worried voice just pushes me over the edge.

"Did you know?? Did you both know?!"
I wasn't planning on yelling, but I spent the last ounce of my self control back in that apartment.

"Jess, know what? What are you talking about. Calm down."
Her voice wants to be soothing, but I can feel she is getting nervous.

"Did you know Jake left?"

They don't need to answer, because their guilty looks give me enough of the answer.

"I can't believe this, I was crying here for days, not knowing what to do. And he just left, not caring at all what happens to me. To us! And none of you thought of telling me?"

Becca takes a step closer to me with pleading eyes, but I'm already backing out.

"I wanted to tell you, but you were hurting so much, I didn't want to make it worse."

I thought I cried it all out, but stupid tears stream down my cheeks again.

"Jessica, he was devastated. He didn't know what to do. He decided to go visit his parents for a while, clear his head. He didn't feel like he deserved talking to you after all that happened. Which I agreed."

Brian's words didn't calm me in the slightest.

"It wasn't up to him or you to decide that! And I had a right to know he wasn't planning on fighting for us."

Before any of then could reply, I practically ran out of the apartment, got in my car and drove away. My phone started ringing without stopping, but I just put it on silence and ignored it.
After driving around for hours, I finally ended up calling Mike and asking him to meet me. He heard my voice was breaking, so he told me to meet him at his place since his dad was out of town for the whole week.
Perfect. I'm practically homeless again anyway.

Mike let me cry while stuffing my face with a spoon after spoon of my favourite ice cream and then he did what he did best - make me laugh from the heart, because he is just the best kind of family.
I texted Becca, letting her know I'm OK and where I'm staying, but this was as far as my communication skills reached. I need time alone to get through it on my own terms. When it'll happen, I don't know, but I'm done begging people to love me. I did that with one person that is genetically predisposed to love me, my biological father, and he couldn't care less, decided to be absent from my life since I was a kid. So if I could have gotten through this, I don't need a guy who doesn't love me as wholeheartedly as I do him.
Or at least that's what I told myself when I fell asleep on the couch with Mike caressing my hair until it lulled me to sleep.