Only Mine

26

2 months later...

Deep breath, deep breath. The reflection in the mirror is showing exactly how I feel right now. Nervous as hell. I smooth the invisible wrinkle on my silver silk dress that sparkles under the lights of the dressing room. That's it. A few more minutes and I'll be going outside in front of all the people waiting. But that's not what is making me nervous. It's the man that's going to stand there, waiting for me. Jake.
Breath in, breath out. Repeat. It's not that hard. Just don't faint. And don't fall.

"Jess, where are you? We are about to start." My sister's frantic voice comes from the adjoining room.
"I'm coming bridezilla. Relax."

We need to get this show on the road, otherwise she will be the one puking.
I step to the room where she is sitting in front of the large mirror, two ladies putting last touches to her hair and make up.
She is beautiful. The silky white dress with sweetheart neckline shows just the right amount of skin to look sexy and classy at the same time. She is glowing and even though her crazy eyes are jumping nervously around the place, she has never looked more beautiful.
She finally stands up and the dress hugs her hips before falling down leaving a long trail behind. My eyes start getting glassy at the sight and I'm not the only one. All her bridesmaids and our mum start pulling out tissues and dabbing under their eyes.

"Oh, please, don't cry. You'll make me cry and I'll never be ready to leave this place. And then Brian will get tired of waiting and leave me in front of the altar."

We all start laughing like crazy, saving the situation from ruined makeup.
"You, my dear sister, are crazy if you think Brian wouldn't come in here and drag you to the altar if necessary."
She looks at me with sister adoration and pulls me in a quick but hard hug before releasing her breath and ready herself for the instructions of the wedding planner.

The bridesmaids will be the first ones to go out and I'll be following the last before Becca comes out with our mum giving her away.
And since I'm the maid of honor and Jake is the best men, we'll be walking the path together before standing each on our side at the altar.
2 months. It has been 2 months since we broke up and he left to England without a backward glance. Not a single call or text since then. I overheard a few times Brian talking about him, but they were always careful not to mention him in front of me. So this was my life - work, study, bury in more work and forget there was ever a person with a name Jake. How my hands are trembling now, it shows the latter wasn't exactly accomplished. There wasn't a day I didn't think of him and wonder what I could have done differently so we wouldn't end up where we did. But to no avail. And I don't want to put myself down by assuming it was somehow all my fault for him running away. At some point I accepted we were doomed from the start.

"Hey, hey, are you okay?" My sister concerned eyes were drilling me and I hated myself for making her worry about me on the day that is completely about her.
"Yes, of course I'm okay. Don't worry about me."
"Jess, we can still switch partners, you are not forced to walk with him. Hell, you can even walk alone if you want."

"Don't curse in the church." We giggled before I continued. "No, absolutely not. I'm fine with it. It's just for a few seconds and then I don't have to be near him again. It's really fine. It's been 2 months."
I should have known she wasn't buying my bullshit, but she let it slide anyway.

"Ok. Let's so this then. Let's get me married."
We smiled at each other one more time and then it started.
My mum was standing next to Becca hardly keeping her tears at bay and I had to fan my eyes to not let the tears spill. I am not ruining my makeup.
We headed towards the entrance of the hall where the groomsmen were already waiting, but I kept my eyes downwards, avoiding seeking him with my eyes, trying to keep my heart from jumping out of my chest.
And then I couldn't prolong it anymore. The wedding planner's voice carried around the corridor, telling us to pair up with our assigned partners. So I took a deep breath, last attempt at calming myself, and I looked up. He couldn't be missed. He was the tallest, the darkest and the most handsome of them all. Oh god, my knees almost buckled when our eyes collided. He was staring directly at me, ravishing me with his eyes, seizing me from head to toes.
Breathe in, breathe out.
I put a defiant look on my face, at least that's what I was hoping for, and walked to him, standing next to him as we were instructed without touching or glancing his way again. He was with another woman and left me without even talking about it. He doesn't deserve that I even look at him.
I felt his scorching eyes peering down at me, but I didn't give in. I remained stoic and looking straight ahead to know when is our cue. A few more steps and it's going to be us to enter the hall entrance. I took one more calming breath and plaster a fake smile on my face, ready to start walking down the aisle. Then his arm reached out to mine and he pulled me tight to his side, hooking my arm under his. There was no time to protest, even though my whole body started trembling at feeling him touching me, holding me in a death grip under his arm so I wouldn't pull away. Oh God, please don't start crying. Not know. Just get it over with.
We were about to step our first step out when his head descended and I felt hot breath and the feel of his mouth next to my ear.
"We need to talk."
His whispered words made me shiver all over and by the way his grip tighten even more, he must've felt it. But I couldn't look at him. Couldn't speak. If I would, I would break down for sure. So I ignored him and let him led me down the aisle, trying to explain my stupid heart that we will never have something like this. Like Becca and Brian.