Lift // Hamliza

• chapter 35 •

a/n sorry if this chapter sucks, i don't have a ton of motivation to write rn, it's explained at the ending a/n

• Eliza •

After kissing Maria for the second time, I totally forgot about Alex. Soon enough, we had decided, in a haze of making out, to leave the mall and go to her place. The bad part is, I don't feel all that guilty.

I flop onto the bed, exhausted after "having some fun" with Maria. She kissed me as she laid down next to me, still panting just a little bit and her face almost as red as the shirt I had ripped off of her just minutes before.

"Ria, as much as I want to, I can't stay here. Alex is sick..." I say softly. Now the guilt begins to come to me. Not much, but little by little. Maria frowns.

"Are you sure?" She asks. I nod and stand up tiredly, putting on my wrinkled clothes and leaving, parting from the beautiful woman with a long goodbye kiss.

On the drive home I go over what just happened. I always sort of knew I was bi, but I never told anyone. I leaned more towards guys anyways. By Maria sort of opened something up in me. I knew Alex would be fine with me being bi; he is too. In fact, he dated Laurens back in the beginning of high school. They went to freshman homecoming together.

The thing is, how would I tell Alex without revealing that I had 100% just cheated on him? I mean, I kissed and made out with Maria, and then went to her apartment with her and we did it! Like, I'm pretty sure he won't react well to that at all.

But I sort of like the adrenaline rush being with Maria gives me. I see her in a new light now. I always knew she was pretty but now, she's absolutely breathtakingly gorgeous. I knew she was smart, but the way she speaks shows that she's brilliant. I don't want this thing to end with her.

But in a part of me, I feel dirty and bad for cheating. I told Alex a while back, when we were sitting on his couch in his apartment that I'd never cheat or break his heart. Where did that promise go?

I breathe in deeply a few times as I pull into the driveway, trying to smooth my wrinkled clothes as much as possible. I walk inside and to my dismay, Alex is sitting up on the couch, eating soup and watching TV. He looks much better than before and will probably be fine by tomorrow morning.

"Hey babe!" He says as I walk in and feeling a small amount of panic in me I greet him back, in a quiet, guilty sounding voice. Oh God. This is harder than I thought it'd be.

"How was shopping with Maria?" He asked, patting the couch to ask me to come sit with him. I did more than shop with Maria, I think to myself. Sitting down with more than enough space between us, I nod and tell him it was a good time. Which it was, but the shopping part wasn't as good as the other part— no! Pull yourself together, Elizabeth. I tell myself sternly.

Alex frowns at me suddenly.

"Eliza, are you ok? You're sitting far away and you have a weird look on your face and your clothes are all messed up? Are you feeling ok? You never go out in messy clothes. Did something happen? Is something going on with Maria or something?" He asks. Crap.

My internal panic button is going insane. If I could describe my feelings as an object, it'd be a light on a police car. Flashing, spinning and making blaring noises. I shake my head and force a smile.

"I'm just tired I think. I walked around a lot today. Maria's fine, nothings going on with her. And the wrinkled clothes is probably because I kinda rushed getting ready and wasn't paying much attention. It's all good. Are you feeling better?" I ramble for a moment, trying to hit all his questions without saying anything suspicious.

Who have I turned into? A lying cheater?

I guess so.

I'm snapped out of my thoughts when Alex replies to my question.

"Oh yeah, I'm so much better now. The nausea is gone, but I still have a little bit of a headache. Thank you so much for taking care of me, you're the best girlfriend ever. I love you so much." He smiles at me. I feel SO guilty. But deep inside I want to run back to Maria's.

I smile on response and painfully force out an I love you too before telling him I'm going to take a nap in my room, telling him he can stay and watch TV. He nods and kisses my forehead before I go.

As soon as I'm in my room with the door shut and locked, I slide down the wood and sob in silence.

I shouldn't be crying. Alex should be the one crying. I can't go to him though. But I keep crying anyways.

And then, I make some regrettable choices in terms of my arms and a blade, but I deserve it. I'm not going to Alex about cutting this time. I deserve this pain. I deserve it all.

a/n: well would ya look at that Eliza's doing depressing things again to "get back at herself" for cheating. her relapse on cutting *totally* isn't a way for me to vent about my life, whaaaaat nooo. (ok so maybe the cutting thing is by I am not a cheater and I am not being cheated on. I don't even have a bf.) anyways sorry that's today's episode of Maddie's Depressing Life, ill just go now sorry for all that