Lift // Hamliza

• chapter 42 •

• John •

Eliza retreated from the room looking upset and worried. I walked over to her and grabbed her hands to get her attention since she seemed pretty out of it.

"Hm?" She looked up at me and I simply led her to the waiting room, where we could talk in the peace and quiet.

"How are you holding up with all of this?" I asked gently. She shook her head and sighed, pulling her hair out of her face.

"It's horrible. I feel so bad for him and... the doctors told me he hardly has a 10% chance of living after treatment. I wish there's something I could do but I just can't..." she said, meeting my eyes. I could feel her hands trembling in my own. I nodded and pulled her close to hug her.

"What about you? He's your best friend and you've known him longer than I have, I can't imagine how hard this must be on you. You've known him for such a long time." I inhaled sharply when she asked me that. Since hearing the diagnosis with Alex, I hadn't yet cried. I hadn't fallen apart or cursed the universe for being so unfair. I couldn't allow myself to do any of that because I needed to help Alex feel better and not panic. I needed to help Eliza and everyone else.

I finally let myself cave in. I sniffled as tears slowly ran down my cheeks and didn't bother to wipe them away.

"It feels so surreal, in the absolute worst sort of way. I mean, he's been my best friend for almost 8 years. We dated for a year and a half. We've always been there for each other and got through every obstacle. But this... I don't know how I'm going to get through this and I sure as hell have no clue how he's going to either." I answered. I put my head in my hands and cried for a few minutes, the only sound being my sniffling. Eliza rubbed my shoulder softly as I let all the buildup of emotion flood out of me.

It's crazy how just a week ago, we were all sitting at lunch and laughing, having a good time. Everything was alright then: there was no one in the hospital, no cancer to worry about, no crying everywhere you looked. Now? It's like we're in an alternate universe where everything is at the worst it can be.

"Eliza, I need to get out of this hospital. I can't stand being here for much longer. We can come back in a few hours but I need a break... can we go somewhere or something?" I asked, suddenly feeling trapped within the hospital. I've never really had bad experiences with hospitals but they're just so draining and anxiety inducing.

Eliza nodded and helped me up out of the chair, and we texted the group chat to let everyone know we were leaving and would be back in a little bit. Everyone was fine with it. I think they all know that Eliza and I, as well as Peggy, are struggling the most with trying to accept the whole situation.

The two of us walked down the street in the cold November air. The month was coming to a close and soon enough, New York would be blanketed in snow and Christmas would be right around the corner.

"Where do you want to go?" She asked me after we walked aimlessly for about ten minutes. We'd been in total silence until then, just walking and taking everything in.

"The library." I decided. She looked at me with a confused expression but nodded, and we went to the library. I wasn't going to tell her, but I chose the library for a reason.

When Alex and I met so many years ago, it wasn't at school. My mom had taken me to the library because she wanted to get out of the house and away from my father. Alex had been there, wandering the aisles with stacks of chapter books in his arms, looking intently at all the books on the shelves. I had caught his eye from the other side of a shelf and we just started talking.

Throughout the years, we would constantly meet at the library and sit at the table that was right by the shelves we met at. We'd talk and laugh and mess around, and Alex, being a huge nerd, would always force me to help him look for books. I never minded it, because he's my best friend and that's just what best friends do.

He asked me out for the first time at that table. He kissed me for the first time at that table. He told me all of his secrets and everything about his past at that table. The one thing he didn't tell me about was the cutting and depression, but everything else? I knew it all.

Eliza and I pushed open the doors to that library and I immediately walked to that damn table, sitting down in the seat I always do. She, without even knowing, sat in Alex's seat. It took every ounce of my strength and willpower to not cry or tell her to find a different seat, because that's Alex's seat. It always has been.

I put my head on the table, running my finger over the little carvings in the wood. There was a 'J' and an 'A' etched into it. I smiled as the memory of that day came back to me. We were 13.

I drew in a breath. What was I doing? Why was I acting like Alex had died? I felt anger build up in me. He doesn't deserve to die! There's a million things he hasn't done, and what if he never gets to?

What if I never get to sit at this table with him again?

I stood up harshly, not even knowing what I was doing. It was like my emotions were taking control of my body, my heart leading the way instead of my head. I could hardly think straight, because all I could think about was how my best friend in the entire universe was going to have to go through hell and back, and hardly had a chance of making it.

I motioned to a confused Eliza to stay where she was, and I walked over to that shelf. I wanted to kick it, knock it over, throw the books off of it. Stupid fucking universe, giving people fucking cancer.

And then I was lost. All the anger disappeared and I was just at the shelf, standing with my hand on one of the books I vaguely remembered Alex reading many years ago. I ran my finger over the worn spine and sunk to the ground.

I felt selfish. I had been so upset, so angry about Alex's cancer. I wasn't even the one with cancer! I didn't even stay with him like I should've. I knew that I was going to go back but I still felt selfish for even leaving in the first place. I should be at his bedside, talking to him or getting him food and water or cheering him up. And yet I stayed sitting on that library floor for another half hour, until Eliza told me we had to go. We got back to the hospital just after dark.

I had planned on apologizing for leaving, but by then, Alex had already fallen back asleep.

a/n: here's some John/ slight Lams angst for y'all. I'm a little torn on this book right now though. I feel so much inspiration to keep updating it but idk how to change it so all these chapters aren't just "oh look they're crying, everyone is sad, cancer is the worst" because that's what it feels like. Also I need to update my Mullette and Jeggy books but I love this one so much that I just wanna keep writing chapters for it lol. Anyways tysm for reading this chapter and sorry about the angst!!(not sorry)