Lift // Hamliza

• chapter 47 •

• Alexander •

"So Alex, how are you?" She asked me. Her name was Nina Rosario.

"I'm okay." This was almost always my initial answer when she would ask me this. It was the same routine every week. She'd ask me how I was doing, I'd answer with 'ok', and then she'd have me dig deeper into it.

"How's chemo going?" She asked. This was another way for her to check in but also for me to start talking. Sometimes it worked. Other times, not so much.

"Frustrating. I know it's only been a week but I just want it to work. Right now it just seems like more pain." I said. She nodded and set her clipboard aside. That's one of the things I liked about her; she wasn't one of those therapists who would sit there writing the whole time I talked.

"Is there anything in your resources you can use to relieve that frustration? What about John, I noticed he was leaving as I came in?" She asked. Her and John had met before I started chemo, on the third or fourth day she came to meet with me. I nodded.

"Yeah, he's always helpful I guess. I dunno though. I feel like I'm so stuck in this hospital. I just have nothing to occupy my time so I think too much and that becomes a problem, a lot of the time. And with all my friends at school all day, there's no one I can talk to or who can distract me." I said, my mind doing exactly what I was describing as I spoke. I was here physically, but mentally, I wasn't. I guess even talking to Dr Rosario wasn't enough to distract me.

As she replied, I thought more about my treatment. I had read online that your hair usually started to fall out beginning two to four weeks after the start of treatment. All my hair could be gone within the next two weeks.

I also thought about how when I was usually nervous, I would run my fingers through my hair in an attempt to calm down. Now, I was scared to do that. Everytime I would just barely touch my hair, whether it was to calm down or to brush it, I would freak out. Losing your hair during cancer just made it all seem real; and it was a dead giveaway you have cancer.

"Alexander, are you alright?" Dr Rosario asked, pulling me from my thoughts. I nodded and she gave me a look.

"What's wrong? You don't have to deal with your thoughts alone." She said, reaching out to touch my hand. I took a deep breath and almost ran my hands through my hair, but forced them to stay down.

"I'm scared to lose my hair. But I feel like it's more than that. I think the hair part is just surface level type stuff. Like, I'm scared of the rest of chemo. I'm scared of everything getting worse. I'm scared of dying, even though at this point it seems inevitable. I mean, 10 percent? That's practically a death sentence. But let's say I do live. How long will I actually last? Or will I end up back in the hospital six months later and die then?" I said all at once, thoughts pouring out of me.

"And those are all very reasonable fears to have. Although it has been a while since I was a therapist in the cancer ward, I do know that a lot of my cancer patients in the past were worried about losing their hair too. I can tell that you think it's silly that you're worrying about losing your hair, but it's not. But in regards to everything with dying and survival rates, the only thing you can do for now is let the chemotherapy run its course and live in the moment. It's terrifying, especially when you're young and in the hospital, but you never know when the breaths you take will stop. You have no control who lives, who dies, who tells your story. But you do have control over who you form and keep relationships with. My advice to you would be to cherish your time with people in your life and give forgiveness to those who deserve it. The rest, I suppose, is up to you." She said. This was probably one of the longest times she took to reassure me and give advice. It was nice.

"Alright. I suppose in the long run, losing my hair won't be horrible... but I guess there are a couple people who I could forgive." I specifically thought of Eliza and maybe even Thomas? Except I don't know if he'd ever apologize in the first place. But maybe forgiving him without him even apologizing would create a bigger impact on him and me.

"Good. That's what I like to hear. I like the positivity. Just stay that way, yeah?" She said with a smile. I nodded and smiled back, letting this one be real instead of the forced ones I've been giving for the past few weeks.

"I don't think we need to continue this session for an hour. I'll leave you so you can maybe reach out to those who you want to forgive?" She continued, standing up. I nodded and thanked her for helping me and for the advice. Once she was gone, I pulled out my phone.

I guess I have a couple phone calls to make.