Lift // Hamliza

• chapter 41 •

• Alexander •

Did they hear me? Why did they take my covers off? What are they doing? I stopped scratching my wrist and scrubbed at my eyes with my hands, trying to get rid of the signs of my crying and everything.

"Alexander?" Eliza and John said in unison, the same amount of confusion in their voices. I didn't want to look at them. My eyes welled up again upon hearing them speak to me in such a concerned manner.

"I'm okay." I said, facing the opposite way. Hearing my own voice, I knew I wasn't okay. My voice automatically gave away that I had been crying, and it sounded so dejected and absolutely shattered that I almost never wanted to hear myself speak again. I heard whispering then felt warm, gentle hands on my arms and legs as Eliza and John turned me over to face them.

"Oh, baby." Eliza muttered, putting her hand to her mouth in pained shock. John's reaction was pretty much the same as hers. His tan face went pale as he looked at me, the question, why didn't you tell me that things were bad again?, written on his face and in his eyes. I closed my eyes and willed the tears to go away. I tried to breathe and force myself to be okay.

"Hey, it's alright. We're here, okay? We can talk later." I heard John mutter in my ear. I nodded and he hugged me, giving me the comfort I desperately needed. I pulled away about ten seconds later when I thought of what him being at my funeral would be like.

"Um, Alex, you have a few visitors if you're up to it..." Eliza said quietly, looking at the collection of people in the doorway unsurely. All my friends had come back.

I shrugged and she hesitantly waved them all into the room. Everyone was moderately lively and happy before, because we all thought I'd be out of here in a few days. Now, everything was somber and dark. It's all my fault.

They moved closer and gathered around the sides and foot of my bed, then enveloped me in what seemed like the thousandth hug I'd been given that day.

"Hey, we're here for you, no matter what. We love you." Hercules told me, patting my shoulder. I nodded and met his eyes. Hercules was alway the strong one in the group, yet he too had tears glistening against his dark eyes.

"Are you..." Peggy began, once most of the group had moved out of the room, having said what they needed to say. She broke down in the middle of her sentence, making a choked sobbing sound. She took a second to cry, covering her mouth and squeezing her eyes tightly. I bit my lip and looked away. Of the three Schuyler sisters, besides Eliza of course, I was the closest to Peggy. At this point, she was my best friend, second only to John, and we confided in each other all the time.

I took her hand and that seemed to calm her down a little bit.

"I'm not dead yet, Peggy." I tried to joke, wishing I could lighten the mood even a little bit. She pulled her hand away from mine and glared at me, her jaw hanging open in shock.

"Don't you dare say that, Alexander Hamilton! I swear to God. You are going to fucking live. I can't even believe you would joke like that, after all the stuff that you've been through and now this..." She said, looking apologetic towards the end and taking my hand again.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. She forced a smile and let her tears fall. She sucked in a deep breath and restarted her original question.

"Are you alright? How are you dealing with... all of this? Don't act like that whole thing when we first got here was nothing." She asked, sitting on the corner of my bed, intertwining her fingers with mine. I shook my head.

"No, I'm not alright, honestly. This sucks. And I'm not going to lie and say that thing was nothing at all. I'm just... I'm so scared... and I don't want to leave you guys behind and I couldn't stop picturing my..." I stopped, not wanting to continue with what I was going to say.

"Alex, you can tell me. I won't tell anyone. Remember that promise we made each other a while ago? Right after we started talking a lot and you wanted to tell me about everything you'd struggled with? We told each other, "No matter what, we'll always listen to each other and never tell a single soul what we told each other in secret." You can talk to me." She said, rubbing my hand. I nodded.

"I, uh, started thinking about everything I would miss if I died, I guess? And I kept picturing my own funeral and how everyone would deal with it and all that." I muttered, leaning against her shoulder. She wiped her eyes quickly.

"God, Hamilton. You used to make me laugh and now all you do is make me cry." She half laughed as she wiped her eyes.

"I'm sorry." I said seriously, not realizing she was joking until after she told me she was.

"I don't want to lose you. I don't want to have to go to your funeral, whether it be in a couple months or in seventy years. I love you like a brother and you're my probably my best friend. I know this is going to be hard, but I want you to come to me when you think like that again. I know that chemo and everything else is going to make you feel ten times worse than you already do, but I believe in you. We're all here for you." She said. I nodded and tried to believe her.

She stood up and smiled at me.

"Well, I'd better let my sister in here. I mean, she is your girlfriend, but..." she said, waving as she walked out. I waved back a little bit, forcing a smile by dropping it soon after.

Eliza walked in looking barely held together.

"Hi babe." She said, putting on her trying-to-be-strong voice. I moved a little bit to lean up and kiss her.

"I'm sorry about being so rude earlier. I should've said hi or done something. I was just stuck in my head." I told her, not wanting to explain everything. She shook her head.

"No, it's okay. You're going through so much right now. It was justifiable. I swear, it's all good." She said, smiling down at me. I patted the bed and she hesitantly sat next to me, probably not wanting to disturb me even after me telling her everything earlier was okay.

"Eliza.... what are we going to do about the competition?" I asked. Her face contorted into confusion then a sort of forced laughter.

"Alex, with everything that's going on, you're worried about some competition?" She asked, smiling. I nodded and allowed myself to smile a little bit too.

"It depends. We don't have to drop out of it but it all depends on how you feel when it rolls around. I don't know how far into treatment you'll be by then." She admitted. I nodded and asked if the doctors had said anything about treatment.

"Well, they don't want to do surgery. They told me it's too risky. They think chemotherapy is our best bet. Also, my dad offered to pay for all of it since he knows that any income or money you come by is used to pay your rent and get food and stuff." She said. Wait, what?

"Your Dad wants to pay for my chemo? Really?" I asked. I knew Mr Schuyler was a generous person and being rich as hell meant he could spend it on pretty much whatever, but this?

"Yeah. He told me he wants to try to do for you what he couldn't do for my mom." She said softly. I nodded, thanking her and telling her to tell Mr Schuyler thank you as well.

"Also... did they give a survival rate?" I asked gently. Her face went pale and she looked at her hands.

"Um..." she pushed her hair behind her ears and covered her face. Oh. So, it's not high I guess.

"Eliza, what is it?" I asked. I needed to know.

"Less than 10% even after chemo."