Eclipse Child |✔|

|14|

I feel a weight in my soul

And they tell me happiness lets it rise. 

But I don't tell them of the things that make me grin. 

Of blood, 

and pain, 

ruin and 

nightmares in games

Happiness is not always sunshine and roses. 

Your flesh burns from the fire, 

as your hands cling to the thorns they hold tight. 

-world_joy_

***

I refuse to give up.

The lessons of my youth made me have a deep hate to those who simply 'gave up.'

I didn't give up.

If I did, then I had nothing.

If I gave up, then there would be nothing left for me.

I refused to give up.

So many times, those words had repeated and clashed within my mind.

Don't give up. Don't give up. Don't give up.

Each day brought another chance.

Each step within my run made me stronger.

Brought me closer.

Each breath I took, exhale I gave, sensation I felt, pain I received- all had me gritting my teeth and feeling frustrated anger as I yelled- screamed- within my mind, 'don't give up.'

The words were easier said than done.

By now I was holding on to a thin string.

The string had been there for a while.

The thread loose and beginning to unravel.

Any day now- it would snap.

Don't give up.

What kept me going, was the thought that one day- I wouldn't be able to say those words anymore.

One day, I could think within my mind, 'You can give up.'

And then I would let go.

The only difference between today and that one day was one word.

Don't vs. can.

So, I always figured.

You can't give up today.

But eventually.

One day.

One day it will be okay to give up.

But until then.

Until then.

Don't give up.

*   *   *

The male watches my fight.

My internal struggle as skin claws against fur. The human fights with the wolf. The balance of the two broken now as my body fought against the unnatural order I had pushed upon it.