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The woods are lovely,

dark and deep.

But I have promises to keep,

and miles to go before I sleep,

and miles to go before I sleep.

- Robert Frost

*  *  *

Happiness like this cannot be achieved they told me.

Happiness like this cannot be given unless they are planning to take something away from you. Like the universe is some cosmic scale of how much light and darkness you can bear.

They tell you this, but they never put a limit to the amount of darkness you can achieve.

They never tell you that you can only be this sad. You can only achieve this much hatred, or this much pain before you're bound for joy.

The workings of the world seemed to be pessimistic in itself, but my viewpoint didn't help.

I wanted to be Alpha.

I almost laugh at my wish for more when I used those words to hide my true feelings or what I wanted.

Don't we all just want to feel whole?

We seek the things that we think will fulfill us, unknowing in whether or not they will do so. How brave we are- I have to wonder- at the fact that we try again and again to fill such a void, not knowing whether it will cause pain or love in the end.

I sit there quietly with my thoughts.

Maybe it was because I had something more to live for now. I never knew what they said when motherhood reached you and females experienced a change.

Now I understood it.

Your life didn't seem significant anymore when you compared it to the creature in your hands.

I would do anything for this child.

My thoughts only naturally go to my own parents.

As I vowed to myself, over and over.

I won't be like my father.

Like my mother.

I will tell my child that she is loved. Everyday. Every hour. Every second.

She will never grow up insecure in my feelings for her. Questioning if I want her to succeed or fail. But now there was a grey line in me when I think about it.

Is success something I wanted if it caused damage? I had created something so...pure. So perfect. I often had to give Tala to Orion and step away because I couldn't stand that my bloodstained hands were touching her.

Orion didn't seem to understand.

Grandma would softly reach for Orion, holding him back from whatever words he wanted to say. I wish he would say them, but truthfully, I felt very fragile. So strong, yet at the same time- like I would shatter.

So this is what it is like. So this is what being a parent is like, I marveled.

Your world is no longer your world, but at the same time, their world is not yours.

You are part of them, but are they a part of you?

"Don't you want to hold Tala?"

I stare at her, so perfect in Orion's arms.

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