On My Way • Why Don't We | ✓

thirty seven

August 2, 2017 ; Los Angelos, California
River

All I feel is numbness. The pain and heartache I'm supposed to feel is swallowed by an overbearing emptiness.

I watch as the sun rises slowly, ambling through the clear blue sky. My legs ache from the position I've been in for the past eight hours. I uncurl them and lean back against the side of the house.

Insomnia hit at the worst time. My eyes wouldn't close, and I couldn't bring myself to step inside the house that I know Jonah would be comfortably sleeping in. The peacefulness of the morning calms me.

I don't realize anyone is up until the door opens beside me. I jump, startled by the sudden movement, but an aching shoots throughout me when a familiar brunette stands a yard away, two cups of coffee in his hands and his eyes red puffy.

I recoil when I process the image.

"I'm sorry," Jonah says, his voice hoarse and barely above a whisper.

"Why," I laugh bitterly, "It was my fault."

"River, I—"

He looks at me helplessly, knowing well enough that my first response to the heartbreak is to respond sarcastically.

"Can we talk?"

"I don't think that's a good idea," I respond.

My voice is steady, but I feel on the verge of tears.

"If you're here to talk about how you like me but not like that, it's okay. I get it, but I need my own time. Please," The last few words come out pleading.

"I'm not here to say that," He says softly, clearly reading the pain in my eyes, "Just please let me to talk."

I study him for a long moments before moving over, opening a place beside me. As he sits, the memories of a month ago flood through me.

"I like you," Jonah's words are quiet but his voice is steady.

My head snaps toward the brunette, where he offers me a cup of coffee.

"I like you too much," He continues, but his voice is quieter.

"I don't under—"

"Let me finish," He looks me in the eye as he passes the warm mug.

"I like you so much that when we weren't together you were the only thing going through my mind. I would spend hours thinking about when we could meet up again. Our texts were easy and lighthearted, and I wanted to constantly be on the phone with you. I would look forward to FaceTiming you, where I could hear your laugh and see you smile.

"But, I couldn't stop thinking about Gemma and how much she hurt me. I was worried you would do the same, unknowingly or consciously. I didn't realize how much I wanted you until last night, and I freaked out. Everything last night felt real. It felt like our moments together would forever be filed with laughs and jokes.

"It was easy, and I convinced myself that nothing could ever feel that natural, so my first response was to run. I never meant to hurt you in any way, but somehow, I managed to. I like you, River, and I don't expect you to forgive me, but I wanted you to know."

I stare at the dark liquid in my mug. Coffee was the small of Jonah Marais. It had always been. Anyone who knew him knew he wouldn't go a morning without coffee. .

"How do you feel?" I ask quietly.

"Scared," Jonah responds immediately.

"So do I," I say, my voice barely above a whisper.

"It feels I'm standing on the edge of cliff, staring into the water."

"It feels like I'm falling. I can't see the ground, but I'm moving so quickly that my heart is pounding in my ears," I reply.

He doesn't respond, knowing my response to his confession. Without thinking, my head moves toward the boy I've fallen for. My lips press against his, and all I feel is a melting. The numbness is gone as he pulls me closer, two arms wrapping around me. I stop and feel his eyes on me.

"I don't forgive you, Marais," I attempt to keep the tone serious, but a smile breaks out anyway, "I'm never letting you forget it."

"Fair enough," He laughs before pressing another kiss to my lips.

"You taste like coffee," I crinkle my nose at the thought, but he just presses another kiss to my temple.

"So do you."

Jonah takes my hand, pulling me up from the ground. I look up at the bright sky, the sun fully risen.

"Let's get some sleep."