The rise and fall of an Idol Producer

Chapter 44 -Denial and white lillies

I finally managed to wake up and was panting. That dream felt like pure torture to me. Sadly there was truth to it. He was dead and I could not do anything against it. I opened my eyes again and felt an instant head ache. I felt ill and I found myself drenched in sweat. Some tears escaped the corner of my eyes. It still hurts. Losing someone close to you still hurts bad. I tried to shake of these feelings for a bit as best as I could but I knew that I could not do that. Jungkook pulled me closer to him and wiped away my tears.

I did know that he was awake. He was by my side through some though time. It felt unfair for me that I let him get pulled down by my life. I wished I could show him a better and happy life. I wanted to make him happy but I felt like I am constantly surrounded my grey clouds.

"I love you", he whispered into my ear. He meant it.

"I love you too", I whispered back and got up. He let me off his grip and watched me walk towards the bathroom. I turned on my heels remembering I do not have any clothes to change into.

"John Hyung dropped off some clothes for you. It is already in the bathroom", Jungkook said with a warm smile.

When did he do that? He was really considerate and I needed to thank him later. I nodded and headed to the bathroom and found a suitcase with all the clothes I needed. By the way it was packed I could tell that Anna had packed the suitcase. I took a shower and got dressed into some black jeans and a black high neck jumper. I looked at my face in the mirror and was not surprised at all to see that my face was puffy and my eyes red. I had cried a lot and I was pale. I dried my hair and put it into a messy bun. Usually I would apply some Makeup but I knew that I would be crying a lot again and that would just be useless. Packing up my stuff in a neat pile I left the bathroom and found Jungkook making the bed.

"Done?", he asked me and I nodded. He grabbed some clothes for himself and gave me a quick kiss on my hair and vanished into the bathroom. I decided to call John and thank him. I could not call him for some reason. I felt like I would tear up again and decided to text him.

"Thank you for the clothes and yesterday", I texted him.

"No need for that. We are family right. Anna helped me pack up. I did not tell anyone about it yet. It did not felt right to me", John texted me back.

He was right. I needed to tell the others about it myself. I walked to the living room and found it deserted. I took a seat on the couch and rested my eyes for a while. I felt like I did not sleep at all. My head was running a hundred miles an hour. It still was.

"Yo, you look horrible", a very familiar voice said. It was Yoongi who sat down on the sofa next to me.

I opened my eyes and looked at him.

"Really? Thanks", I said sarcastically.

He chuckled but I could see that he was worried.

"Come on let's make some pancakes! They will make you feel a bit better", he said pulling me slightly by my arm so I would stand up.

I sighed and knew that he would not accept a no. I followed him to the kitchen and he started to put all the ingredients out.

"Sit down at the counter", he ordered me and I did as I was told. I rested my chin at the counter surface and watched him running around the kitchen to get all the utensils.

"Yoongi I feel like I am constantly surrounded by grey clouds", I half whispered to him. I thought he did not hear me since he did not say anything.

"Are we all not surrounded by them?", he asked me back while adding eggs to the batter.

"I love him and I want to show him the bright side of life and not pull him down with the mess that comes up in my life. I feel like it is unfair. I am sorry that I can not make him happy..." I said serious to him.