Letters to Hae

Chapter 24

 Rachel's POV

A notification on her phone woke her up from deep sleep. She took in her surroundings. "Yep, definitely back to reality" she groaned. She tried to close her eyes but her body needed to use the bathroom. She forced her legs to move and the rest of her body followed.

As she struggled her way to the bathroom, her mind replayed the scene of her back at the hotel in Chile, where it was morning after the concert... she had had a skip in her step, as she was making her way back to the hotel room... she had guessed that he was probably still sleeping so she had tried not to rush herself just in case she woke him up when she opened her hotel room door. She remembered smiling as she walked up the hallway oblivious to what had unfolded in her room less than 20mins prior. She remembered that she went to balance her coffees and packed sandwiches in one hand and almost dropped them trying to open the door discreetly with the other hand. Back in reality, she hung her head into her hands... she saw how as she entered the room that fateful day, she had held the door gently, easing it back into its lock... reality now told her to flush the toilet and wash her hands but her mind kept creeping back to that day.

From there things got a bit blurry in her mind. Pictures of an empty bed, his clothes and personal items nowhere to be seen, her note not removed from its spot on the pillow.

In 'that' hotel room, at first, she recalled not worrying too much about the situation as she thought that he probably went back to his room to start his day. But again, she cupped her face and held her cry as she knew what was going to play next in the scenario unravelling in her head. "Nope, no tears please" she pleaded with herself.

But the next part of her memory came with tears anyway. Her mind reminded her that she had seen something in the room that had caught her eye. It was two rings on the bed side table. Not hers. His. She had grabbed them and placed them safely in her bag to give to him the next time she saw him. Those rings, now sat under her pillow in her bedroom, at home, wrapped in a soft tissue and sometimes she pulled the little bunched tissue out to touch the rings to feel where his fingers once held them.

Back in Chile, she wasn't expecting him to cancel his schedule but she still felt he owed her a message at the very least. She chose to eat her breakfast, do her hair and make-up and after much lingering, she decided to just head out for a bit in the city. When she came back to the hotel at 6pm, she asked the staff if she could leave a message for Hae but was told the party he was with had already checked out.

She remembered how gutted she felt.

Now she was home, in her kitchen.

Rachel pulled out a frozen meal from the freezer and threw it casually into the microwave. She sipped some juice as she waited for her food to heat up. She was beginning to feel a bit better today but still not enough to see humans. Glad that it was a day she didn't have to work so she didn't need to force herself to go out either.

When she first got home to Sydney, she had unpacked her bag and cleaned a little before settling in to do some work she had put aside before her travels. Yep, she figured she wouldn't get much done but she managed to eat half her food, if you take out the meat and vegetables and half the rice...

The plane tickets, passport and hotel receipts still sitting where they were thrown on entry into her home... on the floor by the door.

No longer sleep deprived, she searched for something to do. In the end, she just stayed still in the corner of her couch, chipping at the corner of her lower lip and just staring into space.

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The phone displayed a reminder that she was visiting her friend Diane this weekend. She was getting excited to see her lifelong friend. It was now 6 weeks since her last overseas trip, and Rachel was now almost back to her old self. New haircut, blonde now rather than the old brunette colour gave her a bit of a spark of energy. She was going to the gym a lot more these days and overall, was enjoying a busy life she had set up for herself. Yep, no thoughts of 'the one that can't be named' so far today she happily thought. Nights were still torture though... she was alone in the house, and the temptation to write another 'blue letter' remained high but she fought it each night. She didn't want to write to someone who wasn't interested she reasoned. She wasn't going to lose her self-respect and dignity by chasing someone unattainable. Going to Diane's this weekend brought excitement. Diane loved to swear, loved to drink wine and was brutally honest with people. Rachel had needed all three to kick out any remaining hurt or pain she had left inside her heart.

Diane lived 2 hours away on the south coast of Sydney. Her home was a 5minute walk to the beach and the beach was never crowded. Conditions were perfect. Leaving the car behind, Rachel caught the train down and listened to some Kpop along the way. She hadn't completely removed Super Junior from her playlist but the few songs that did play during the shuffle on her phone, gave her an initial sting that gradually wore off as the song finished. She knew Diane was going to bring up 'the one that can't be named' as Diane knew about those blue letters and the concert her and Rachel attended were centred around 'the one that can't be named'. "Funny" she thought "no one to share my sorrow with". Yes, she wasn't going to share her second international concert and hotel stay with anyone!

Hugs and kisses out the way, Diane grabbed Rachel a glass of wine and settled in to watch the Friday night sunset. Rachel had left work early that afternoon to trek the 2-hour train ride and was now curled up in the old arm chair in Diane's backyard. She hadn't laughed so hard since forever and her belly hurt after a while. They laughed about some of the mishaps they experienced on their Singapore trip and then fell into deep conversation about Diane's new man, stopping to laugh every so often. Rachel certainly needed this visit. Late night turned to late sleep in which turned to grabbing a coffee on the way to the beach for a stroll. Rachel began to wrestle with her mind about pouring her sorrowful heart out to Diane, but then realised she and Diane would spend the next two days talking incessantly and Rachel was enjoying the happiness so far and didn't want to spoil it.

When she least expected it, heading back to Diane's for lunch, Diane asked the very question Rachel had been avoiding. "Have you made contact with Hae since returning?" asked Diane. One look, and Diane knew something was up. "Rachel, you better fucking tell me!!" and she waited for a reply. No reply came. So, Diane continued... "If he has fucked you over, I will be fucking ropeable Rachel" and still no reply from Rachel. A few minutes of waiting, Diane grabbed some wine and settled back on the couch, this time facing Rachel. Calmly, Diane spoke, without losing eye contact "Rachel, whatever it is, you can trust me, you know, that right?... There isn't anything in this world that I wouldn't do for you, including refraining from killing someone because you asked me to" Rachel smiled, and the movement of her face, released a tear. Diane continued... "When you're ready, I'm here to listen... just don't take forever will you, I've already aged 5 years in the last 5 minutes waiting for you to speak" and with those words, Rachel laughed a good laugh. Rachel couldn't hide anything from Diane and Diane knew all to well that was the truth. Rachel took a deep breath and began to unravel all the knots tying her mind and heart up.

They talked all afternoon, nibbling on cheese, crackers and chocolate. It was a relief to release the anxiety and tension but at the same time, she felt foolish hearing herself speak out loud the story that unfolded between her and Hae. Rachel felt a weight life off her shoulders, a weight she'd being carrying subconsciously.

Rachel found herself sleeping soundly that night. Coming to Diane's was a good thing.

Soon dawn broke, and Rachel and Diane were surprisingly up so decided to go for a beach stroll. At the end of the beach, a little café was churning out the smell of coffee and they sat to have a cuppa and extended their stay to include breakfast. They talked about possibly getting botox injections, lip-fillers, breast implants and butt cheeks but their roaring laughs didn't give their conversation much credit. "as if that's gonna happen" they laughed out load.

Weekend over, heading home, Rachel smiled all the way thinking about the days just passed. "how glorious was it to see Diane??" and of course her mind took in everything that was said about "the one that can't be named". She and Diane came up with a plan to end things with him. "Yes, that plan will definitely work she told herself".

Almost home, Rachel dropped her small suitcase in her garage and decided to walk down to the local supermarket to buy a few groceries. She hadn't smiled like this in weeks. She grabbed her overnight suitcase on the way in to her building, pressing the button that would lead her to the ninth floor.