Letters to Hae

Chapter 27

 Hae's POV

Whilst Rachel was in the shower, Hae decided to get up check his phone for messages, except he needed to access wi-fi to check his emails and SNS something he'll need to ask Rachel for later. He himself needed to shower but couldn't summon enough courage to join her under the water not because he didn't want to but more so because the situation between them had changed a little and he could tell that Rachel was somewhat switched off during their sexual encounter.

He walked around her room slowly, still naked, cleaning his member with a tissue while he waited to have a shower. Looking around, he started to look at the small trinkets and candles Rachel had around her home. Her home had a beautiful smell which he only just noticed and as he looked around to find the source he saw a small candle burning on the buffet near the kitchen. He went to look at it closer and saw that it read 'GENERICS AUSSIE SANDALWOOD' he continued reading 'SHARP, CLEAN CONTEMPORY – CLASSIC WILD AUSTRALIAN SANDALWOOD'. He leaned in to smell it and smiled and decided he would need to take a photo of the label with his phone later.

He heard Rachel coming out of the bathroom and saw her walk into the bedroom, calling out to him "Shower's all yours..." as he watched her naked body standing draped by her just-washed hair. He stood unmoved for a few minutes taking in her tiny frame and smiled to himself. He rubbed the back of his neck several times and bit the right corner of his lower lip "will she ask me to leave now?" he thought with sadness as he realised that her body was the only body he wanted to hold for a very long time. He broke from his reverie and headed to the bathroom to shower.

Hae hopped into the shower and as the water ran down his body, he lifted his face to face the shower stream and stayed like that for a few minutes. No one could see his tears and he turned to face the wall and hung his head low in sadness. There was a part of Rachel that wasn't present tonight and he knew her heart was shut tight. He began to feel very scared that she was lost to him forever. It was her mind that led him to her and her words in those blue letters so he decided that for the next few hours at least, he would spend the precious time chatting with her and asking her the many questions he had lined up to ask her. Stepping out of the bathroom, towel-dried and putting the towel around his waist, he slowly walked into the bedroom and put the tracksuit pants and jumper she had earlier lent him. He brushed his hair with fingers quickly and then made his way out of the bedroom.

He made himself comfortable on the floor of the living room, watching Rachel stack her little dishwasher with the dirty dishes. The kettle hummed in the background. The movie had long ago ended and the TV had switched itself off so there were no distractions. As he took in the atmosphere around him, the serenity of her little space it dawned on him that he didn't want to leave her behind this time. He brought one his knees to his chest rested his elbow on his knees then sunk his head into his hand. When he finally lifted his head up from his thoughts, he saw a cup of tea sitting there on the table in front of him. He took a small sip and searched for Rachel who he saw had just come out of the tiny laundry where she must have put on some washing he thought. He pushed himself up onto the couch and laid down on his right side, with his head on the tiny armrest and his arms folded loosely.

He saw Rachel grab a pillow off her bed and a blanket from the TV cabinet, and he let her help him to put the pillow into position under his neck. She gently placed the blanket on his body and sat down against the couch facing his direction, her left arm leaning on the edge of the couch. Without thought, he unloosened his left arm and moved to rest on her shoulder and took turns between playing with hair and caressing her collarbone.

He was craving conversation with Rachel and so he began by asking "why no more blue letters?"

"I wasn't in the mood to send any..." she answered

His voice, gentler "I missed getting them. I love hearing about your life" he stated

"Yeah, well life got a little busier for me, and I guess I couldn't keep up after a while... those letters were never going to be written forever" her voice trailing off

"Do you miss writing them?" actually, he really wanted to ask if she missed him, but he didn't want to put any kind of pressure on her.

"To be honest, not so much at the moment, maybe down the track in the future I'll write to you again. I have a lot on my plate at the moment" she said this without looking at him.

He returned his hand back to his side on the couch now and stared ahead with his head full of thoughts for a while. If he left her and went back to his schedule and life would things be better for Rachel? He saw that the benefits outweighed the negatives if his decision was to leave tonight. His tears betrayed him again and as tears ran down the side of his face and hit the pillow, he watched as Rachel's face pained at the falling tear but she still didn't move from her position.

"Would you like me to leave now?" he asked her softly but directly. But no response from Rachel came. Rachel started to twirl the ends of her hair with her fingers and as he watched her a for a few more minutes, he saw that her lips struggled to stay tightly closed and although the light in the room was not bright enough, he still managed to see her lips as they began to quiver. From his position on the couch, he caught her in an embrace and held her quietly. "Whatever you want to do Rachel, I will respect your decision just please be honest with me" he stated.

She moved her arm that was on the couch, to support her head now. "I just want you" she softly whispered. Hae held her until she was ready to speak again. After a few minutes she told him "I don't want to be part of your Super Junior or your music or any part of the attention that you guys get... I just want a quiet life at home with you, supporting you from my little corner and when you're away touring and promoting, I want to stay an ELF and celebrate your successes.... This... travelling from city to city, hiding from the world is not a life." she swallowed hard and continued "I don't ever want to see you away from your Super Junior brothers and I don't want to be the reason that causes you drama... all I want is to share moments with you without hiding in hotel rooms and messaging in secret... I just want a simple life with you... but what I want, can never be" and with those final words she finally released the burden and avalanche of tears that was heavy on her heart.

He let her finish her cry. "I want whatever you want Rachel" he spoke tenderly and kissed her forehead softly. "The truth is I don't want to be apart from you either and I came directly to your house from my flight, without telling anyone I was coming here. My agency thinks I'm still in Japan on an extended work holiday. I planned to be here with only you, for a couple of days, to talk and sort out our feelings, whatever that looks like..." it felt good to say what he came to say. Hae was now looking at Rachel and kissed her nose... then he felt himself relax a little knowing at least what their true feelings were.

To change the mood a little, Hae sat up a little and in a light-hearted tone asked "So tell me..." and he began to question her about his Instagram message and email that she ignored to answer, her choice of hair colour, why she lost so much weight, why she didn't turn around in the restaurant that night after the concert in Chile and so on...