Affection // irwin

Chapter 11

Ashton was deep in thought when I asked about Amy. I could almost see his thoughts bouncing back and forth in his head. I knew there was something between them, something he willingly didn’t want to share. Just when I thought he was going to tell me, he asked if I had a boyfriend. I thought the answer to that was pretty obvious. I have never even kissed a boy. 

“Can we make a deal?”

“Depends,” I say carefully. It can be about anything.

“I’ll tell you about Amy, and our relationship, if you tell me about what’s haunting you.”

My heart is speeding up again. No. There is no way I’m telling Ashton that.

“There’s nothing haunting me,” I lie, my voice too high.

“I know there’s something, Joselyn, and I want to know. I won’t hurt you. I promise.” He looks deep into my eyes, blocking everyone else out.

I don’t know if I trust his words because I don’t trust mine. What if I say too much, what if he laughs and tells his friends about me? What if I have misjudged him? I’ve never told anyone everything before. No one, not even my parents. What if he takes my words and throws them back at me? He will leave me and I will end up alone, again. I don’t want that. But I want to get closer to him.

“No, I’m sorry. It’s too much.”

“I promise you, Joselyn, I will be listening. I will not hurt you, ever.”

His eyes look honest and my heart wants to believe him. My mind, however, is not yet there. They always tell you to follow your heart and I have been overthinking for quite some time. The worst thing that actually can happen, is what I thought about earlier – he’ll leave me. And if he decides to tell people I actually don’t know what to do. It’s also my biggest nightmare. I want him to stay.

“I’ll tell you if you promise me not to tell anyone,” my voice is still high.

Can I trust him? I don’t have to tell him everything.

“I promise.”

“Okay, you start.” I need some time to slow my heart rate down and find the right words to say.

He tells me about how they spent the holidays together, that they hooked up and got together. About the first I love you even though he wasn’t sure he meant them. At least not anymore, but he doesn’t explain why and I don’t question him. That’s his business. He tells me their relationship is almost only physical and I feel ill. I don’t need to hear that. Luckily he doesn’t tell me all the details. But yet, I can’t believe he’s telling me all of this. It’s really personal information. He tells me how Luke forbid them to go near her but how he broke that rule and they actually got closer.

“Luke’s not that much of a jerk, just so you know. He has his moments.”

“I find that hard to believe,” I shudder, thinking back to his hand against my cheek. I’ve met guys like Luke before, and I know he’s not a good guy.

I’m glad Ashton told me this. No one had really trusted me with their stories before and I’m glad he’s the first, even though it’s about his girlfriend. It shows me that he trusts me, and therefore I feel almost forced to reply to his question.

I take a few deep breathes, preparing myself mentally for my story to be revealed. Or at least parts of it.

“You can do it.”

He puts his hand over mine on the table, but I pull it away, leaving him puzzled. If I’m gonna do this I don’t want any distractions.

“Before I start, I just want to say that I’m not going to tell you everything. There’s too much to say. I’m just gonna tell you some basics and try to answer your question.”