Affection // irwin

Chapter 32

 Ashton doesn’t stay that night. He has to work in the morning and after that, he has class. He told me Yolanda had told him he could take a few days off, to be with me, but Paco called and said he couldn’t stand being alone with Ray. Apparently he found out how to turn up the volume on the radio, which made him sing even louder.

“Just stay here. I’ll call you in the morning.”

He kisses my forehead before walking out and I feel like we are a married couple. Me, the stay-at-home mom, and he the working dad. Adam would be our son. I shake my head. What am I even thinking about?

I find mom standing outside my room with her arms crossed over her chest. My heart sinks.

“I know you don’t want to talk, but I think we should.”

I nod and swallow hard, inviting her into my room. She sits down on the chair by my desk and I take a seat on my bed. I think I managed making it pretty good after Ashton’s and my make-out section.

“Are you feeling better?”

“I guess.”

I’m still not comfortable around her. I’m trying to convince myself that I am, but I’m not.

“Good,” she nods. “I know we kind of already made a deal to start all over but I want to hear your story first."

I shake my head. I’m not telling her everything. It was okay when I told Ashton, I didn’t feel anything. But now when my feelings have returned, I’m not up for it.

“Just how you felt. It’s important, so I can get an image of all of this,” she waves her hands in front of her. I think she’s referring to me.

“That sounds like something Dr. Frog would say.”

Dr. Frog’s real name is Dr. Casta. He was the doctor they took me to after my attempt of ending my life. He looked like a frog. Every time he inhaled, he’d get another chin and sometimes he’d make noises even though his mouth was shut. Another reason why I didn’t like those meetings. Mom, however, didn’t like it when I called him Dr. Frog and yelled at me multiple times.

Mom looks down.

“Mom! I can’t believe you called him!” I groan and stand up.

She leans her head back and stare up at the ceiling.

“I’m so sorry. But I needed some advice. This isn’t easy for me.”

“Do you think this is easy for me, then?” I snap back at her but she doesn’t say anything. “Besides, I already told you and dad earlier today. What else do you want from me?”

“I want you to tell me how you felt about us not being there.”

“Did you even listen to me this morning? I TOLD YOU,” I yell and she flinches. “I was tired of you, I was disappointed. Mad. Angry. Broken. I felt betrayed by my own parents.”

“And h-how do you feel now?” She stutters.

“Still broken, still disappointed. I’m not mad, but I’m not happy about it either.”

She nods slowly.

“That’s good,” she says and I frown at her. “I mean, not that you feel that way, but that you can put this into words. That’s good.”

I roll my eyes and fold my arms over my chest. Can she please get out of my room? I don’t want to talk about this. I wish Ashton would come back. He would have saved me from this. I hope dad doesn’t decide to join us too. Although, I rather much talk to dad about this than mom. He’s not up in my face the same way mom is.