Affection // irwin

Chapter 22

 I feel nothing. It is possible to feel nothing. No pain, no joy, no anger. No nothing. I don’t even feel empty. And that scares me. I’ve felt empty before and that was tough. But this, not feeling anything, is tougher. I tried pinching my arm, just for something, but I didn’t feel that either.

I am completely drained out. The tears stopped coming yesterday. I’ve tried pressing them out but there’s nothing. I’m completely tear-free. Is that even a word?

“Joselyn, please open up.”

Mom’s soft voice is pleading me. She knocks on the door, lightly, but she knows there’s no use. I won’t open the door. Besides, it’s open already. I’ve just put a chair under the handle so they can’t come in. She sighs and her footsteps slowly vanish. She’ll come back in an hour. She always does. I start counting, 1, 2, 3…58, 59, and 60. Only 59 minutes left.

Today’s Wednesday and I’ve been here for about 48 hours. The first thing I did when I got home after mom picking me up this Monday, was to run up to my room and lock the door behind me. Mom ran after me, yelled at me, and asked me to tell her what was going on. I said nothing. I didn’t say anything on the ride home either. I let the tears speak for me. Dad found a spare key, but the minute he put it in the lock, I put the chair under the handle. They might still come in with a little force, but I know neither of them has the strength. They are slim but not made of muscles. And they’re tired. Probably because of me. I heard mom sobbing before. I felt nothing.

I’m on the floor now. The bed was too comfy and the floor is hard. I try to feel something but there’s nothing. I have my arms around my knees, hugging them against my chest. In the beginning I was kind of rocking back and forth but I fell, so now I just lie here with my eyes open, staring at the bottom of my drawer. It’s dusty. I never clean, and especially not there. I’m surprised there’s no spiders. I’m afraid of spiders, but to be honest, not even a spider would make me move. 

“Nobody wants you here.”

“What are you even doing here? You don’t belong here.”

“It would be better if you just disappeared.”

“Why don’t you go kill yourself?” 

Their words are still in the back of my mind. They never disappeared, I just kept pushing them away but now they’ve taken over. All because of Luke. Luke hit the point. And he pushed me down, even further than anyone else has done before. It’s weird because he’s only one and they were a hundred, or so it felt.

“I don’t know what to do with you. Maybe we should send you back to your friends in Canada that’s as cold as you. Oh, you don’t have any friends? Did they abandon you? Oh they did.”

I know what he didn’t tell me. He didn’t tell me he didn’t want me there either. He was just like them, only older. If Luke and Amy weren’t siblings, they’d be a perfect match. She broke me too. Stabbed me in the heart. Making my tears fall. But it was Luke who made the last piece of my heart break.

I want to scream back at them.

“Don’t you think I’ve tried? And do you really think I WANT to be here?” 

I want to disappear. I want to go away, clean my mind, and erase my entire memory. I wish to forget. I wish I had amnesia. I wonder if you could get it from slamming your head against the wall, or if that would only get me a headache, which in one way would be good for me. I would actually feel something. It’s crazy how this could happen though. One second I’m happy, the next I’m gone.