Affection // irwin

Chapter 39

Ashton’s arms are wrapped around me and even though my tears are long gone, my eyes dried out, I can’t help but wanting to cry again. Here I thought Michael just wanted to be my friend, that’s why he was nice to me, when in reality he was just using me to get a damn job. When did he start using me? Was it from day 1? Did he already knew about my dad’s work?

The software company my dad works at is quite well known. I wouldn’t say famous, but people who like computers know about it. They have offices in Toronto, Chicago, Boston and here in Sydney. I’m pretty sure they’re thinking of opening one in Melbourne as well. But never, never in my life did I think Michael would ever do such a thing. After finding out that he was gay, and I thought about how nice and nervous he was around my dad I thought he might have some sort of crush on him. Which I by the way, find very disgusting. I know age is just a number, but ew.

“You okay?" 

Am I okay? I don’t know. It’s not the same feeling as when I broke down last week but it’s not like I feel good either. At least I feel something. Kind of betrayed and not sure what to do. But that’s always been me: I don’t know. I’m insecure, yes I even admit I’m insecure, and even though it’s never been my biggest problem, it has always stopped me, it has always kept me back.

“I talked to him, just so you know. I talked to him and he promised not to do anything like this again. He promised to apologize,” Ashton says.

“I don’t know if I’m ready for another apology. Apologies are so…They’re just words. Simple words that people never really follow anyway. They can say they’re sorry but how many people actually keep their promises?” I say.

“Another apology?”

“Luke talked to me yesterday.”

“He did what?” Ashton asks, and shifts underneath me.

I push myself away from him so I can face him and I see there’s a frown on his face.

“He said you had told him to apologize?”

“I did, but we made a deal that I should be there too. You know, just in case,” he says, keeping his eyes on the space between us. “What happened?”

So I tell him what happened. I tell him about how he waited outside my classroom door and how he actually said he was sorry. I tell him how I wanted to run away but he stopped me, like always.

“And how did you feel?” He asks. What I think he asks is did you cry?

“I don’t know. I mean, I didn’t really accept it but it felt good getting an explanation and that he took his time to apologize. But it doesn’t mean I’m going to start liking him, not after what he did.”

I didn’t cry and I am proud. I didn’t even cry when I got back home. I was relieved. That was how I felt. But not because of the apology, because of me and what I didn’t do. I bet if mom knew about it, she’d give me another of her I-am-so-proud-of-you-smiles. Truth is, those smiles makes me squirm. It’s like she knows something I don’t. It’s like she knows my secrets, or she knows a secret about me. A secret I don’t even have.

“How did you know I was here, by the way?” 

“You told me you always came here when you had a lot to think about,” I shrug.

“So you remember.”

“Of course I remember. Why wouldn’t I? It hasn’t been that long.”

“Please don’t talk about time. Don’t remind me we haven’t known each other for that long because it feels like an eternity,” he shakes his head, probably seeing memories flash by his eyes, like they do in front of my.