The Artist & The Q.B.

Ch. 35

    I don't want to leave, it seems crazy but the security of being home isn't like anything else. I hug my family goodbye wishing with everything in me that I was staying. I love Truex I really do, but I would move back home in a second if we weren't together, or if I thought he'd let me go.

"What is it?" Truex asks as we sit at a stoplight.

"I've missed them, I don't want to leave again." I tell him truthfully. I haven't been there for Lynn, brian and Logan growing up, I just want to make it right. I could try to get an art therapy position, finally become responsible. Really help my dad like I should've been doing instead of trying to keep my mothers head above water. I know dad doesn't think I'm like her but I do, I see it. I've made better decisions than her, sure. I went to college and got my degree, but what did I do? I choose to go to California on a pipe dream. Why can't I always do the right thing? Why do I always mess up peoples lives? I should've stayed I should've helped, I should've grown up. Is Truex my next victim? I've married him, now what? Go back to his house, continue to paint and let him provide for me because I don't have what it takes to make it as an artist? The truth is like sucking on a lemon, bitter and in the end I just want to spit it out.

"Truex."

"No, you're not staying here. We'll come see them often but you're coming home with me." He says, reading my thoughts.

"I just think.." I begin before he interrupts me.

"I know what you're thinking." He states, bitterly. "I knew this was coming. Trying to bolt again Bryar, but its not going to happen." He states, irritated.

"I'm not bolting, I'm trying to fix something I've should've done from the start." I correct him.

"And whats that?" He questions, the sarcasm in his voice setting my teeth on edge.

"Help them, get a job, be there for my family. I've been running from them and not taking any responsibility for my life. I've been reckless for too long and the more I think about it, the more I see myself turning into her." I choke back the disgust I feel about myself. 'I always choose wrong. Why can't I see what I'm doing before I do it?" I ask, throwing my hand in the air.

"You haven't done anything wrong." He argues.

I glare at him, he's not listening. "Oh, really? I picked my mother over them. I've gotten a degree only to disregard it to waste time in California over my mediocre talent. I got married on a whim slash prank. Take your pick, I seriously can't remember the last thing I did the right way. This is why I stayed away from people, because I end up sinking them just like my mom does. Look what she left! A perfect family! To do what! Live alone and unhappy for the rest of her life?" I ask, resentful of her decisions.

"What the hell do you think your doing right now? You say you don't want to be like her, end the cycle right now. Just quit trying to find a reason to leave me. I love you, I want to be with you. I'm you're family, now. Chris and you're brothers and sister are doing great. Why do you think they need you? What part of that interaction didn't I see? What gave you the impression that they were struggling?" He questions, angrily. "They're the most polite and well adjusted people I've ever met. They didn't need Alicia to become good people and they don't need you."

The silence is deafening. Is he right? Yes, dammit! He's always right, thats such an annoying quality. They don't need me. I sulk until we pull into the hotel parking lot and I look at Truex, frustration etched in every line of his face. "I'm sorry." I tell him. I watch as he rubs his eyes, obviously tired of my bullshit.

He shakes his head. "Why do you keep doing it? I'm not going to let you leave me. Not now, not ever."

I shrug helplessly. "I dont know. I think I just want to protect you. If you haven't noticed I'm not good at this." I answer, pointing to him and back to me.

"We're past the point of going back."

I nod in agreement. "Do you really think I'm pregnant?" I ask, whispering like its a secret.

He smirks, looking pretty proud of himself but doesn't say anything. "I'll make you a deal." I start to say.

"Nope." He shakes his head, not willing to hear anything.

"You don't even know what I was going to say." I argue.

"Doesn't matter. I know I won't agree with it." He states, knowingly.

I glare at him. "I was going to say, how about we get a pregnancy test. If I'm pregnant we stay together, if not-"

"No."

I continue, as if he didn't interrupt me. "-Then we try this for six months, if we're not happy, we end it amicably."

"I'll agree to the pregnancy test." He says, not willing to make the deal. Not that I expected him to.

Sitting in the hotel bathroom with the pee stick on the sink I wash my hands and Truex walks in. My heart feels like  it's going to beat out of my chest. The pressure of having child and starting a family with Truex is becoming all too real too fast. I start to pace but he stops me and wraps his arms around me. "Regardless of the results, everything will be alright."

"Oh, Please. Its easy for you to say. Last time I checked it wasn't you squeezing a football out of your lady parts." I groan,  adding, "What if its huge and wont come out? Its going to hurt so bad."

"You'll live." He says, unsympathetically.

"I get to name it." I tell him, calling dibs.

"That's something we agree on, you don't just get the right to name it." He complains.

"Ugh, Okay, but I carry it and push it out of me. I get as many vetos as I want." I say, compromising.

He nods. "Fine."

"Alright, you look." I tell him, closing my eyes bracing myself for the results.