empty - brallon/// DISCONTINUED

B - 6 months

so many people stare at me and Dallon in public.
today a little girl asked me why i was having a baby.

boys aren't supposed to have babies Brendon.

i'm a boy.
boys can have babies.
Dally wouldn't love me if i wasn't a boy.

people from my old school have seen that i'm pregnant on instagram and snapchat.
they've been congratulating me using my deadname.

xemilyyyyx: Congratulations on your baby Astraea!
brendonboyd: lol thx but that's not my name

that's what all the messages have been like.
i. hate. it.

they know i'm a boy.
that's why i left.
none of them accepted that im a boy.

urlocalratman: it's lit that you identify as male and you're having a baby. that's brave.

that's the nicest message i've gotten.

i haven't shown these to Dallon.
i don't want to upset him.

in 3 months i'll be a father.
i'll be a father to Thalia Elizabeth Weekes.
i'm not ready.

Dallon and i are apartment hunting.
we think we've found a good one.
he's so excited.
i'm not.

my baby shower is in a month.
i only invited 2 friends.
the rest is family.

Dallon's mother has been so kind to me.
she got our little girl a blanket with her name sewn into it.
i've been sleeping with it every night.
it's a comfort item.

i don't think Dallon loves me.
i think he's only with me because he knocked me up.
i shouldn't have kept the baby.
why did i do this?
i ruined my relationship.

when i have Thalia, Dallon's gonna wanna leave me.
or maybe when Thalia's older and we're married he'll cheat on me and divorce me.
if that happened i'd break.
i love Dallon more than i love myself.

i'm the pregnant boy, sitting in the bathroom, sobbing because his boyfriend said he was getting bigger.
he didn't even mean it to be mean.
he was just pointing out that my bump was growing.

Thalia can hear us now.
i make sure Dallon tells her that he loves her every night.
i do the same.
i want Thalia to love me.
i don't want someone else important to hate me.
i have a whole list of important people that hate me (my dad, dallon, dallon's dad, ryan, etc).

Thalia is going to love her dads.
i hope no one gives her shit about having two dads.
it's not like she just has two dads.
she also isn't adopted.
and she wasn't carried by a sibling.
she was carried by one of her fathers.

Natalie loves Thalia.
she loves putting her hand on my stomach while we watch tv together.
she likes it when Thalia kicks her.
while she talks about how much she loves Ryan and Creed from The Office, i let feel her niece move around.

Dad hates Dallon.
every time he sees him he rants.
"He purposely knocked my son up!"
"He's using you Brendon."
"He's gonna break your heart when you have the baby."
"He's going to leave you and Thalia when you give birth."
etc etc etc.

i'm so scared.
what if i fuck up as a father?
what if i screw up Thalia's life forever by being a guy?
what if Dallon stops loving me...?

Dallon is asleep next to me on the couch.
i'm going to ask him if he loves me.
i know he does.