𝐌𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒 ✰ jenzie

{three}

"I'm hanging on by a thread
And all I'm clinging to is prayers
And every breath is like a battle
I feel like I ain't come prepared
And death's knockin' on the front door
Pain's creepin' through the back
Fear's crawlin' through the windows
Waiting for em' to attack
They say "Don't get bitter, get better"
I'm working on switching them letters
But tell God I'mma need a whole lotta hope keeping it together"

- Tori Kelly, Lecrae, "I'll Find You"

k e n z i e

Morning comes, and I feel surprisingly okay. There are some days I'm totally fine, but other days...it's a struggle. Climbing out of bed, I throw on a robe and come out to the kitchen.

Annie made breakfast, eggs and sausage, and I sit down, hungrily eying the pan.

"Go on, eat up. You've had a long night." Annie grins and shoves a plate towards me.

"Thanks."

"How are you feeling today?"

I take a sip of orange juice and sit back. "Fine."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Annie serves herself a plate and sits down across from me.

I shrug, not really in a mood to talk about it. "I thought it would go away."

She sighs. "Do you want to-"

"Can we talk about something else?" I cut her off, biting my lip. Maybe I shouldn't've told her about my depression. I hate talking about it. I don't want to be coddled like a baby.

"This is important, Kenz. I-"

"Annie, please. Maybe another time. Not right now."

Annie looks hurt and looks away. Sighing, I reach across the counter to squeeze her hand. "Thanks for caring. I-I really appreciate it, I just don't want to talk about it right now."

She nods. "Okay. But we need to figure something out at some point."

"It'll get better by itself..." I suggest, but it comes out more as a question than a statement.

"It doesn't." Annie stops, realizing we've delved into the conversation after all, and resumes eating.

After breakfast, I relax on the couch and pull out my laptop to check my email and get started writing some songs. Annie goes to get a book, saying she'll join me in a second.

I scroll through some emails, confirm one about a meeting with my manager, Hayden's dad, later tomorrow, and then pull out my phone to look through Instagram. I love seeing my fans' posts and edits.

Immediately, I'm barraged with people tagging me in comments and posts about...the party last night. My heart sinks. Clicking on one of the posts, I see a video someone took. It's blurry, but clear enough to see me, crouching in the middle of the dance floor, and then trying to get up and falling on my face. The caption stabs me in the heart.

drunk kenzie is hilarious. she should be drunk more often, it's much more entertaining lmao

I bite my lip, trying to keep the tears from spilling out of my eyes as I scroll through the comments.

@layla.sdd | lol i thought she was innocent

@sidn88 | ew she's so gross

@ryguy_ | drunk girls are so adorable

@mack.ss | she looks like she's possessed hahaha

@_kk.its.me.ollie | that slip- i peed myself

I quickly tap away from it, hoping to look through my tagged photos to find something comforting or someone supporting me. The tears spill out of my eyes as I see it full of people memeing the video, like "me leaving the kenzie fandom like", "me trying to escape my problems", "tryna get away from the creepy guys at parties like", and, "probs kenz trying to run away from the embarrassing video footage"

"Kenz?"

I look up, quickly wiping away my tears, as Annie comes over, giving me a questioning look. "You okay?"

I nod quickly.

"Lies." She reaches down and snatches my phone away from me. She scrolls through quickly, and her eyes flash with anger. "What the-"

"It's fine, Annie." I try to assure her, but I can't. Tears stream out of my eyes, and I look away.

"You were having a freaking anxiety attack. You weren't even drunk!" Annie seethes. "I'm putting something on your story about this."

"No!"

"You have to! You can't just let them think that you're some drunkard or something." Annie starts typing something on my phone, and I jump up from the couch and attempt to take my phone away.

"You can't! Please." I beg, struggling to grab my phone.

"But why? I don't understand."

"They can't know!"

Annie stops. "Know what?"

I bury my head in my hands and try to stop crying. "A-about my...depression."

She's silent for a second. Then she sighs and hands me my phone. "Okay."

I reach over to grab a tissue and blow my nose. Annie sighs and sits down on the couch next to me.

"You know depression isn't something to be ashamed of, right?"

"Feels like it is..." I wipe my eyes and hug my knees closer to my chest.

"Well, it's not." Annie sits down next to me and puts her arm around my shoulders. I lean my head against her.

"We'll figure this out. Just don't forget. You're the most important person to me as my best friend, and I know a lot of other people feel the same way too. Just hang in there, and we'll sort this out."

'Hanging in there' is a full time job. But maybe, just maybe, I can make it work.

+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+