𝐌𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒 ✰ jenzie

{fifteen}

a/n: this song doesn't really go with this chapter, but ig it relates to the book and it's SO GOOD

Insidious is blind inception
What's reality with all these questions?
Feels like I missed my alarm and slept in
Broken legs but I chase perfection
These walls are my blank expression
My mind is a home I'm trapped in
And it's lonely inside this mansion

- NF, Fleurie, "Mansion"

k e n z i e

"I was wrong." Is the first thing I spit out as I sit down in Johnny's office for our usual counseling session.

"What?"

"I was wrong, okay, I'm sorry you saw me have that tantrum last week on the phone with Jimmy." I run the palms of my hands down my face. "I'm sorry. You don't need to pretend like you agreed with me."

"What do you mean?" Johnny's look of concern drops all my walls of defense down before I can try to hold them up. Then the tears follow.

He's at my side instantly. "Kenzie, Kenz, it's okay."

"It's not. Jimmy's right, I need to be doing music. And I do want to try to recover my career, but I got nothing. I can't write." I take the tissue Johnny gives me, and pitifully blow my nose. "Not even a minute into our sesh, and I'm already crying."

Johnny wipes a tear from my cheek and looks me in the eye. "Like I've always said, it's good to cry. Just let it out."

I nod. "I forgot there were people in the cafe, too. Supposedly someone told the news about me screaming at my manager. I'm having a flippin good day right now."

"Tell me what you're feeling right now." Johnny asks honestly.

I take a deep breath. "I'm so insufficient. I'm a failure-"

He cuts me off. "Hey, I said what you're feeling, not what you think you are. Say it again."

Reluctantly, I begin again. "I'm feeling insufficient. I'm feeling like everyone hates me. I'm feeling like nothing that I could try to do will get my career up again. I guess I'm feeling like I could write a spEcTaculAr bop, but no matter what I do, everyone's gonna just drag me down."

"Write about that, then." Johnny says, simply, and smiles.

"What?"

"Lemme give you an example." He reaches into the table drawer, and pulls out a notebook. "I'm writing a song."

I perk up, my interest piqued. "Really?"

He grins. "I've always tried to write songs, but they came out so wannabe-ish, like they were someone else's. Until I had this experience. I wrote about it, and it all came out smoothly."

"What's it about?" I ask, reaching for the notebook.

Johnny moves it away from me. "I'm not ready to show anyone yet!" He scolds gently, laughing.

"Anyways, that's not the point. It's your turn to try to write about your feelings. People love vulnerability and being able to relate to a song. I know it's gonna be scary, but maybe it's time for you to tell people what's happened to you."

I pause to think. "Okay, I guess..."

"Thattagirl," he smiles. "And I'll want to hear how it goes."

"Wow," I take a breath before finally letting out a short laugh. "Maybe you should be my agent. You'd do a much better job."

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Quiet studio. Just me, Mackenzie, with a pen, a notebook, and a guitar. That's how I like it. I've missed this, I'm not gonna lie.

I take a deep breath, and start the big excavation, digging into my brain. Experiences. Feelings. Struggles.

I open to a clean sheet of paper in my journal and begin to write.

Haters. They're monsters. They're ruthless. They'll pull me under when I'm trying to rise.

Depression. Stops the dreams. My big dreams.

Oh, the memories. Ever since I was younger, I loved to sing. I loved to hear people's reactions when I sang, too, but I didn't just sing for other people. I sang for me. I remember when my 2nd grade teacher asked us what we wanted to be when we got older. There were the, "I want to be an astronaut," or "I want to be a doctor", or "I want to be a construction worker". But me? I've had my future planned out since I was 6. I wanted to be a singer. I was gonna start writing songs at 12, get a producer at 15, and come out with songs at 17. I was gonna reach my prime at 20, and soar from there. [a/n: this is an au, not real life :)] Everyone in the world was gonna know my songs. And that's what I did.

I pick up my pen and start writing slowly.

I'm not an ordinary girl.

I've been dreaming.

Dreaming of how I'll rule the world.

I've been scheming.

Resting my arm down again, I pause to reflect. But then, I started getting the hate. My classmates at school would laugh at me. The laughs didn't stop at high school, they got louder. I would write small songs during class, and the teacher would find them. Everyone made fun of me.

Every now and then, I wake up again, always someone trying to stop me.

I didn't get why they thought my goal was silly. This wasn't just a pie-in-the-sky kind of goal, this was my future life.

Who says my dreams are just pretend?

I remember this one time this girl I met at a meet and greet, Faith, DM'd me and asked for advice for her friends who made fun of her. I told her to not listen to them. Who cared what they thought of her?

Don't believe everything they say.

Be yourself at the end of the day.

Don't let anyone stand in your way.

Don't ever stop your dreaming.

If they say that you can't, then they're wrong.

You've just got to believe that you're strong.

Let them know you were right all along.

Don't ever stop your dreaming.

But if only I could really listen to what I told Faith. If only I could listen to what Johnny told me.

Johnny tells me I need to have a growth mindset. I shouldn't say things like, "I'm a failure," or "I'll never get out of this". I need to think forward and not have a fixed mindset. But easier said than done. 'Why not start now?' Johnny always says.

It's time to do this. With a shaky hand, I feel my heart going through my pen as I write.

I WON'T stop fighting the monsters.

Trying to rise above, but they're pulling me under.

And I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground...

I'll stumble, but I'll NEVER stay down.

I WON'T stop fighting.

I WON'T stop fighting.

Fighting the monsters.

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a/n: haha. if you like this book, you're in luck, because this is the only one i have inspiration for/want to write right now hehe