𝐌𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒 ✰ jenzie

{twenty-four}

If you love me let me go
If you love me let me go
'Cause these words are knives that often leave scars
The fear of falling apart
And truth be told, I never was yours
The fear, the fear of falling apart

- Panic! At The Disco, "This is Gospel"

j o h n n y

Back at my apartment, I pace back and forth the floor. The release party ended hours ago, and my EP has been getting good hits, according to my manager. I haven't been paying that close attention. It's my big day, but I'm too focused on something else.

"Okay, fine, I'll do it now," I growl under my breath, and pick up my phone from my nightstand. I almost drop it, and realize how much my fingers are shaking.

I've been planning on texting Kenzie all day...but I haven't been able to muster up the courage all day.

"It's now or never." I let out a shaky breath.

Pulling up the messages app, I stare for a second at all the messages I've left Kenzie unread for, and guilt hits me again. Then I slowly hit the keyboard at the bottom and begin typing.

k e n z i e

"Didn't you just buy a new water bottle?" Annie asks, laughing.

I pout playfully, spearing a bite of broccoli on my fork. "Well yes, but still..."

"And you call me frivolous," Annie shakes her head and serves herself some more chicken from the pot. I laugh.

"By the way, did you see Johnny's new EP dropped today? It's climbing the charts, from what I've heard."

I try to look uninterested and start fiddling with the pot holder next to me. "Yeah, that's cool."

"Kenzie..." Annie rolls her eyes at me.

Looking up, I shrug. "What?"

My phone dings with a text, and I lift it to see the notification. I freeze.

"Kenzie?" Annie asks, seeing my hands begin to shake.

I swallow hard. "Yeah. I-uh, I'm gonna be in my...room. Just give me a second."

Somehow I make it into my room and collapse onto the floor. My heart races, and my fingers clutch my phone as my shaking hands attempt to slide open Johnny's text.

Johnny. Texted me. After all these months I've waited.

Apprehensively, I begin to read his message.

johnny boi orlando

hey, kenz. it's been a while and i'm sorry. i don't really have an excuse. i don't know what's happened to me. maybe i knew that if i talked to you i'd miss you too much and i wouldn't be able to finish up here.

i don't even know how you've been doing. you could be having panic attacks every day, and i wouldn't know, and it'd be my fault. i've beat myself up about it a lot lately.

here's the thing, kenz - i miss you too much. you mean so much to me. i don't even know if you feel the same way i do.

i like you. a lot. so why would i ignore all your messages and calls then? i don't know. maybe i've  just been too scared. you'd think that as a counselor i'd know what to do, right? but i don't. kenz, every time i think about you, i can't think straight. i've never felt this way about anyone else. ever. and it scares me to death.

kenzie, i wrote my EP for you. you could probably guess, seeing that it's called "DeAr k". lauren made fun of me for choosing such a conspicuous name hahaha. i want you to listen to it. we've talked about before how sometimes it's easier to express yourself through your music than just talking. that's how it's been for me. i couldn't bring to text you, so i wrote these songs instead. maybe it'll help you understand how i feel better than how i've been trying to explain it.

i don't know what you're gonna say to this. you don't have to say anything. heck, you can leave me on read like i've done to you and never speak to me for the rest of your life. it's okay. i deserve it after all i've put you through. and you deserve better.

please give me one more chance and listen to my songs. Piece of My Heart can be how our story ends. i can let you go.

- johnny

I sit there frozen, staring at the message on my screen and not knowing how to feel.

There's a knock on the door, and I jump involuntarily, getting shaken out of my shock.

"Uh, Kenzie?" Annie pokes her head into the room. "I'm gonna clean up dinner if you're done..."

"Y-yeah." I stammer. "I-uh...yeah."

"And," Annie adds, raising her eyebrows at me. "I'll want to know what exactly he said when you're done."

"He-how do-did you know?" I attempt to say, and she just smiles knowing, shutting the door behind her as she leaves.

I sit there for a second longer after she leaves, not emotionally ready to listen to Johnny's EP about me yet. About me.

Pulling my aiRpoDs out of my drawer, I connect them to my phone and then open Spotify.

I lean back against my bed and close my eyes, listening as Johnny begins to pour out his heart.

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nice lil short n swEeT chapter yey