𝐌𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒 ✰ jenzie

{seven}

"When I look into your eyes

It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up."

- Jason Mraz, "I Won't Give Up"

k e n z i e

"You can sit here," Johnny motions to a couch inside the back room. "Funny how I turned my recording studio into my personal office, huh?" He chuckles, his deep green eyes laughing, as he takes a seat on an easy chair across from me.

I give a tight lipped smile and look down, realizing how tightly clasped my hands are.

"Do you sing at all?" I ask timidly, trying to create conversation.

"Sometimes. I don't have too much time, though, so I just play around a lot." Johnny smiles again, and I can't help but notice how contagious his smile is. "Anyways, I think we should get to know each other a little bit better before we start talking about more boring things."

I nod, taking a deep breath.

Johnny leans back, crossing his arms, "So, what's your favorite movie?"

"Well that's a random question," I say, smiling slightly. 

He shrugs, a smile playing at his mouth. "I don't like my counseling sessions to be like the stereotypical ones in movies and books. You know, like the one getting counseled doesn't wanna be there, and the counselor is boring, etc."

"Okay..." I shift in my seat and start thinking. "Well, I really really like the movie The Greatest Showman."

"Ooh, I like that one too."

"Zendaya...she's a goddess."

"Right!" Johnny grins. "Like in Spiderman Homecoming, too. Have you seen that one?"

"Oh my gosh, yes! Tom Holland is my fav. Like ever. Next to Zac Efron, of course."

"Eh, he's okay."

"How can you say that?? I'm leaving," I joke, pretending to get up and leave.

"Okay, fine, he's pretty cool." Johnny finally admits, laughing. I laugh with him, forgetting all about the earlier awkwardness.

"What's your favorite movie?" I ask.

"Hm, I really love La La Land. Sorry, I sound like a total sissy, but I kinda do like musicals."

"No, musicals are amazing!!" I agree.

"Sorry, but now we have to get into boring things." Johnny says regretfully, looking down at a small notebook on the table.

"R-right," I say soberly, remembering.

"When did you first start having depression?"

"We're really jumping into the deep end, huh?" I sigh and look away. "I...don't really know."

Johnny waits patiently for me to go on.

"I guess...it started when my parents got divorced."

"What about your parents' divorce triggered it?" Johnny asks softly.

If I want to get better and everyone says counseling will help, I'm going to have to be really honest with Johnny. It probably won't be too hard, I guess. He seems really non-judgemental and understanding.

I pause before answering. "I just...felt like I-they...like why could I believe anything anymore? I thought my parents were perfectly fine. They fought and all...but it was so sudden. If my parents couldn't even stay together, how could I trust anything they said, you know?"

Johnny nods understandingly.

Everything comes out easier than I thought it would have. "They told me it was for the best, but it wasn't. I haven't been very close to my parents ever since. I stressed about a lot of things after that, too. If my parents divorced because they had a lot of faults, I feel like I need to do well so I don't..." I trail off, not really want to go on. "I d-don't know."

"I get it." Johnny nods. "Do you think that's it's a good thing to want to be perfect?"

I let out a soft scoff. "It's ironic. I always tell my fans that they don't need to be perfect, and that they should just accept who they are. But I can't find myself doing the same thing."

"So then it's not a good thing to want to be perfect?"

"Not a bad thing," I clarify. "It's a good goal to have."

"It's a good goal then, not a good idol, I guess, right?"

I nod. "Sure."

"What would be 'perfect' for you? Like a perfect character? Or a perfect song?"

I look down, not really sure. "I don't really know."

"Here I go again, being a stereotypical counselor," Johnny says, smiling slightly, "I'm going to give you some homework. Why don't you think about that and come back later to tell me?"

"Okay." I shrug.

"What else triggers your panic attacks?"

"I'm just kinda 'bleh' all the time. I don't really feel like doing anything because a lot of things stress me out. Sometimes they get triggered when I get reminded of my anxiety. Ironic, huh? Getting a panic attack about having a panic attack. Sometimes nothing even happens, and I just break down. I guess sometimes it's from getting hate, too."

"Why do you get hate?"

"For one, everyone things I'm a drunkard because of that one video that got leaked." I sigh at the memory.

"What happened?"

I'm surprised, and a bit relieved he doesn't know about the situation. But I wish I didn't have to rehash it.

"I got an anxiety attack once while I was at a party, and there were a lot of people around me. I mean, I was drinking, but that's not why I was unsteady and why I fell."

"Why didn't you tell everyone you weren't drunk?" Johnny asks, his eyebrows furrowing.

I lower my eyes and whisper, "I..don't want people to know about my problem."

"It's not a problem, Kenz." Johnny says softly, reaching across the table to squeeze my hand.

"Then what is it?"

"It's a refiner."

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a/n: shoutout to MusicalMya and Stories_4Fun for being all around cool XD and you guys should totally check out their books because they're really good, but don't have many reads :)

I love reading people's books and giving them feedback, so if you want me to read your book, post a message to my message board or DM me! <33