𝐌𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒 ✰ jenzie

{twenty-six}

i'm obsessed with jeremy zucker bye

I might lose my mind
Waking when the sun's down
Riding all these highs
Waiting for the comedown
Walk these streets with me
I'm doing decently
Just glad that I can breathe, yeah
I'm trying to realize
It's alright to not be fine on your own
Now I'm shaking, drinking all this coffee
These last few weeks have been exhausting
I'm lost in my imagination
And there's one thing that I need from you
Can you come through, through
Through, yeah
And there's one thing that I need from you
Can you come through?

- Jeremy Zucker, "comethru"

k e n z i e

The sound of the phone dialing and waiting to connect to the other line never seemed so draining before. I'm shaking, and it's not from the cold, because I'm wrapped up in a blanket with my coffee in bed...

I remember one time Johnny came to pick me up and I was still in bed. He called me a "bed potato", and it made me laugh because it sounded so silly.

My heart feels heavy, missing those times...and Johnny.

Nostalgia is the worst feeling of missing a time you'll never get back.

"Come on, pick up," I plead under my breath, pressing the phone to my ear. I shift my weight on the bed, trying to calm myself down my finding a comfortable spot.

The dialing sound stops, but there's just silence, meaning he's picked up.

"Hello?" I attempt, steadying my voice.

"Kenz." Johnny lets out his breath, like he's been holding it in.

"H-hi."

There's a small nervous laugh from Johnny. "Do you know how long it took me to muster up the courage to pick up your call?"

Hearing his voice again pierces my heart, and I can only take a long breath to keep from choking up.

"Oh." I run my sweaty hand down my thigh and force out a small laugh. "Well, uh, it's good you picked up. I would have in the depths of despair if you hadn't."

The depths of despair. Another thing we joked about when he was here. I remember laughing about how he liked Anne of Green Gables and how Lauren used to make fun of him for it.

Johnny's laugh in reply sounds strained. There's a short silence, and then I say, "So, h-how've you been?

At the exact same time, Johnny asks, "How have you been?"

We laugh again, and a silence follows.

"Kenzie, I can't take this anymore," Johnny bursts out, breaking the silence. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Kenz. I don't know why I ever thought I could just forget about you. I don't know why I thought ignoring you would help me think about you less. I don't know why I thought pretending you didn't exist would make the thought of you less painful."

His voice begins to choke up. "I was the one who was supposed to always be there for you. I wish I never left. I'd give up this whole singing career just to be back there again. I miss home. I miss you. I miss what we had. Maybe I'm being too dramatic but I-"

"-John." I stop him, and the tears begin flooding out. I put him on speakerphone and put my phone down, burying my head in my hands as sobs shake my body.

"Say something." Johnny forces out, his voice weak.

"I forgive you." I choke out. "I forgive you."

"But I don't deserve it."

My tears begin to slow down enough for me to be able to speak. "I've pushed people away for the past 18 years of my life. I know what it's like. I know why you did it. I understand. In those first few months of counseling that I pushed you away, you didn't give up on me. I'll never forget that."

My chest tight, I take a breath slowly. "Johnny, one of the biggest things you taught me in all those months we spent together was that even though we all make mistakes, they're never too big to overcome. So yeah, you made a mistake, but it's okay. As you've said—something that I've thought about over and over again since you said it—we're not defined by our mistakes."

"Mackenzie, I don't deserve you." I can hear Johnny begin to cry softly on the other end.

When he finally speaks up, his voice sounds determined. "I'm coming home this weekend."

"What?"

"I'm cancelling my writing session and coming home." Johnny repeats. "Some things are more important. I can reschedule them for later. I need to come home. I want to."

"Are you sure?" I ask, my heart rate beginning to speed up at the possibility of seeing him again.

"Never been more sure in my life."

"Can I ask you something?" I ask, moving the blanket off of me and leaning forward to rest my elbows on my knees.

"Sure. What's on your mind?"

"Who's...uh, the girl you've been posting about on your Instagram?"

"We just got set up to do some stuff to get popularity but Nadia knows about you and how much you mean to me. We DTR'd the first time we met." Johnny explains. "Don't worry about her."

"Okay." I say, but my mind is stuck on the "How much you mean to me". That phrase gives me shivers up my arms. All of this has happened so quickly. I've barely had time to process that the guy I've been thinking about so much for the past few months, and thought I'd lost, really cares about me like I do.

"You still there?" He asks, interpreting my silence as doubt to what he's said. "I promise, there's nothing going on with me and Nadia."

"No, I believe you," I quickly assure him. "I'm just still...in shock, I guess. I can't believe you felt the same way about me I did about you."

Johnny laughs lightly. "Yeah. Well, you should have known earlier." Then, sobering up, he adds, "I'm sorry, Kenzie. I really am. I should never have put you through all that."

"It's okay, Johnny." I smile. "Like you taught me, let's not focus on the past. The past is past, and what's done is done."

"Thank you." He lets out a long breath. "Geez, Kenzie, you should become a counselor or something. You're doing a better job than me."

I laugh. "Oh, please. I learned from the best."

We talk into the late hours of the night, catching up, making up, and getting back to where we used to be.

Oh, how I've missed this.

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THIS BOOK IS ALMOST OVER AKSJFJDSJ