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(Start song)
It doesn't feel real. And I have already cried more in the past two days than i have in my entire life. Maybe its because it feels like my entire life you have been there, keeping my head above water. All i keep thinking of is that day i met you. I was only 8 years old but when I saw you sitting all alone in the cafeteria, a part of me felt something so deep and strong. I didnt know it then but you woke me. And from the moment that I offered to share my lunch with you, and you shyly accepted, my life began.
I loved you with every part of me way before i even knew what that meant. Back on our first day of middle school, when we walked into that huge building hand in hand, I was scared. Terrified could not even begin to describe how i felt. But you were there, you held me close and told me everything would be okay. I know you were not even sure yourself,but in the end it was. It always was, I trusted you. And not once have you ever let me down. Nobody, and i mean no one ever, will ever be that for me.
Midway through high school, i started having these feelings for girls and the thing i was scared of the most, was losing you. I knew without you, i would shatter. Imagine my surprise when i finally told you about those feelings and all you had to say was "same". We laughed for what seemed like hours because you refused to let me have the dramatic scene i had pictured in my mind.
My first girlfriend, was such a disappointmemt. And ultimately it was because she was not what i was looking for. In the end, the only person i wanted to be with was you. And on the fourth of July, we stood out under the pouring rain, as i comfessed that I had fallen in love with you. The person who made me laugh at the most stupid things in the world. The girl who was there whenever I needed her, good times and bad. The only one who gave me butterflies whenever her finger tips would brush against my skin. When you kissed me for the first time, I swore that my heart stopped, and them started beating all over again. It was the moment that we were kissing in the rain that i felt warm all over, and realized i never wanted to kiss anyone else. I knew then that nobody would ever make me feel what you made me feel.
You felt more love from me than anybody else ever had, and you knew that when i loved, i loved hard. All the nights we would sit in just be in each others arms, you felt my heart beat, and i showed you that it only was beating for you. You were my first time and i was yours. Your love was just as feirce and passionate as mine. And i would give anything to feel your embrace one more time. Just to hear you say how much you love me.
God I hate that i love you.
I hate that you didnt have the strength to tell me that as much as you wanted your forever to be with me, that you were slowly dying. I hate that i wasnt there when you took your last breath. I fucking hate that I never got the chance to give you one last kiss and stare into your beautiful eyes. I wish it had been me instead of you. I wish i had payed attention, when you started coming over less and calling more.
But im too late.
When your mom called I ran 5 miles all the way to the hospital, holding the engagement ring in my hand, praying that i had a chance. Just a second to ask you to be my wife, and slip it on your finger.
When you said goodbye i never thought you meant forever.
Now all i have left is the handwritten letter you asked your sister to give to me.
"Dear y/n, my love If you are reading this then its finally over. My battle with cancer has been lost. But dont cry for me. I am okay, and im probably looking down at you from heaven right this moment! I will miss you so much. I am tearing up just thinking about leaving you, but i promise we will meet again someday. If i had a choice i would be with you forever and ever. You know this, so please never forget. I love you, you have given me a better life than i ever could have asked for. I know how you get when you are emotional, but i need you to never doubt, that you are my everything. We are forever and always. I never wanted to say goodbye, thats why i never told you about my struggle. I always wanted you to remember me as the happy person you made me. I love you so, so much. God, i am so sorry for this. I wish i could find a way to put feelings into words. I want to thank you, for loving me and also for being my best friend. I know i say this so damn much, but I truly do mean it when i say, i love you. Until next time, your lover girl...
My heart is aching and i am barely breathing. As much as i want to hate you for leaving me so broken, all i can do is love you....
Guys I was bawling writing this. Im still so damn emo...
