A Couple Steps Back

Chapter 60

Third person pov

"Fucking losers!" Orochimaru cackled. "I don't have any diseases! Suck it!"

"Then I'd get all your diseases, though." Sasuke said bluntly. While Orochimaru's results had come back negative, they still didn't doubt he had some sort of illness plaguing him. There was no way he didn't. Maybe it was just undiscovered, or it was so rare that they hadn't even thought to test with it.

"I don't have a disease!" Orochimaru screeched defensively, slamming his clipboard right into Sasuke's face. The six year old let out a shriek. The swarm of LGBTQ members were becoming antsy. That, and Kakashi had been carried off by a few of them and they'd all been gone for twenty or so minutes by now. Even Tsunade was too afraid to go after them.

"So uh... do we kill each other now or what?" Naruto asked, scratching the back of his neck. Obito pressed his lips together in thought. Killing everyone was his original plan, but he was really sort of hungry, so maybe they could all stop for some grub first. Ramen actually sounded quite good.

"I was thinking we could get something to eat first. Talk about it over our meal." Obito suggested.

"Sounds civil enough. Also, where's Itachi? We really need him back." Shikamaru said. Obito's nose scrunched up. He'd forgotten all about Itachi. Where had he left him again? His memory was just a little foggy. He remembered knocking him out, and then dropping him off somewhere.

"I'm going to have to check my planner. I don't think I remember." Obito admitted sheepishly. "I'm sure it's on a sticky note somewhere."

"How the fuck did you forget where you put a literal person. And that brat Itachi no less. Fucking imbecile." Hidan, who was still stabbed and still holding Shisui, shook his head in mock disappointment. Obito looked genuinely hurt by this. Shisui simply hissed at him. 

"Nobody is going anywhere until we get our trial!" A man raised his fist. A chorus of agreements rang out behind him. Jiraiya had sunk into the crowd, taken down by sexual harassment that even his perverted mind couldn't handle. Standing on a chair, Tsunade couldn't spot him in the sea of bar-dwellers. He was gone now. They'd have to hold his funeral later.

"Why?! I haven't done anything! I didn't even touch him!" Obito thrust a hand in Shisui's direction. The Uchiha immediately let out a loud scream at the gesture, burying his face into Hidan's side. The Jashinist, along with the people of varying sexualities crowding the waiting room, all glared at him.

"You had to have traumatized him somehow." A girl snarled. "You're getting a trial."

"Fine. Just make it fast. I'm really hungry, and we've got an argument to settle! I don't have time for you guys to argue over my 'sentence.'" Obito made air quotations. Shikamaru really couldn't believe that he was agreeing to this. Naruto was too busy trying to break Sasuke and Orochimaru apart as they fought.

"Let's take this to the cafeteria." A man in a wig snapped his fingers. "Ladies?"

Obito's eyes widened in absolute horror as a pack of lesbians, rainbow arm-warmers and all, jumped on him. He fell bravely, trying to fight his way out of their grasps as they dragged him to the ground. Hidan and Shisui watched with pity in their eyes as he was buried beneath the seven woman, who cuffed him with fuzzy neon handcuffs that had probably seen some pretty kinky stuff.

"What's the point of a trial if we're going to kill him anyway?" Tsunade wondered aloud. 

"I don't know, but I don't want to anger then anymore than they already are." Shikamaru shook his head as the lesbians, who were apparently the muscle of the group, began to drag Obito towards the large double doors that would take them to the cafeteria. Tsunade sighed and shook her head, pushing Hidan's bed after them.

"Join us when you three are done." Tsunade called to Naruto, Sasuke and Orochimaru. The three were in a rap battle. Naruto and Sasuke had ganged up against the sannin, but he was holding his own against them. His sunglasses helped, although Sasuke's ability to talk at the speed of light was putting Eminem to shame. 

"Pale ass, slimy hoe. I think it's time for you to go." Sasuke's Sharingan activated. "Dick small as a baby snake, reminding me of a cornflake. I move so fast, faster than lightning. In my opinion, it's hella frightening. Smooth as sand and hard as gold, I'll fuck you up, leave yah dumbstruck." 

"Fucking idiots." Hidan muttered.

"Hotter than fresh ramen, yo! Got a fox, too cool for you. He'll spice things up and make them new. Badass, high stats, you ain't never gonna beat that." Naruto threw his glasses. Orochimaru gasped in horror. "Cool as ice, hotter than coals, I'm an everlasting flame that'll fuck up your shit, bro. Slicing, dicing, say goodbye to your hands! I'm taking as my own; I'll cook 'em in a pan."

"I may be slippery as a snake, but I'll rough you up with a rake. Casserole, pizza pie, brownies galore. I know how to kill; I'll drop your body to the floor." Orochimaru threw his hands up in the air. "Jutsu, ketchup and boiling blood; I'll end you all with my toilet scrub!" 

"Oh my god, I'm going to vomit." Tsunade looked away. "Okay, let's go."