MerAdd Oneshots

I have to confess something

"So, you're having focusing issues and you believe it could be a possible symptom of ADD?" My therapist says, looking confused and intrigued.

"Yes" I confirm "I am positive there is something wrong with me, I have never been this way in my life" I wring my hands together nervously.

"Well some symptoms of attention deficit disorder symptoms are inability to focus, hyper focus on one specific thing causing lack of attention on anything else, trouble listening, procrastination, restlessness or edginess, and misplacing everyday items you use constantly more often than not. What symptoms of these sound familiar to you?" She asks, holding her clipboard and pen ready to write whatever I say.

I think for a moment of the event today that caused me so much worry.

"I have trouble focusing on important things, but I have noticed I hyper-focus on one specific thing a lot of the time. I can become restless or edgy if somebody points out what I'm hyper-focused on" I explain "like today we had a staff meeting, all of the doctors met up to discuss a patient, and I couldn't focus. I couldn't pay attention long enough and I kept zoning out and focusing on one thing. And when my friend Callie pointed it out, I got restless and anxious"

The therapist nodded, and wrote some things down. "I highly doubt these are firm symptoms. They could be the cause of many other things; have you noticed anything else, like what you tend to hyper-focus on or why you're zoning out instead of listening?" She asks.

"I-uh- I usually focus on a person. And once I focus on her I can't stop and everything else just seems to become less important" I confess, nervous at what she'll say. I have no idea what's happening to me and I hope she doesn't just assume I'm nuts.

The doctor raises her eyebrows and writes something else down "Please tell me you didn't book an appointment with me just because you have a crush you're writing off as ADD" she sighs, taking off her glasses and giving me a tired look. "I have lots of patients, and ADD is not something to just assume you have or to joke about"

I'm shocked; I look at her, dumbfounded, and blurt out the only thing I can think of.

"I'm not gay"

It's her turn to look shocked now, and she sighs, shaking her head. "You don't have ADD, but maybe you should come back for another session, it's obvious you're having some problems that I believe would be beneficial to talk through"

"I'm not gay, and if you want to see me again just to tell me I'm in denial or in the closet or something, you can shove it. I know what I am and what I am not" I defend. It's not that I was homophobic; I had absolutely nothing against gay people. But I knew I wasn't gay, and I didn't want whatever was wrong with me to be written off as unimportant just because the shrink says so.

"Come back, and we'll see if I can help you. If you're not gay, then I'm sure we can find some other explanation"

~

"So, when you zone out, tell me what happens?" The doctor asked at my next session, several days later. She was all business this time; more patient and less irritated.

"Well" I sigh, twiddling my thumbs "usually I notice her first. This one woman, I notice something small about her and I can't stop focusing on it" I explain, thinking back to all the times this has happened.

"And what small things do you fixate on?"

I want to say everything; every about her fascinates me for some odd reason. "Sometimes the way her hair falls on her shoulders, or the way it's tucked behind her ears" I tell her, picturing it in my head "sometimes the way she does her make up, making her eyelashes look so dark and long that her eyes look so light in comparison. Most of the time, what gets me, is her hands. They're so small, so pale, but they work so efficiently and so elegantly" I realize I'm rambling, so I stop and look up.

The doctor has a look on her face I can't explain. A small smile, her head tilted slightly to the side. She looks at me as if she knows something I don't.

"And why do you fixate on her?" She asks me "are you jealous of how she looks? Does this stem from insecurity of your own self?"

I shake my head. "No, it doesn't. I don't feel jealousy in the pit of my stomach when I look at her" I really don't; I don't know what I feel.

"Does she remind you of someone from your past? Maybe she looks like someone you used to know?" She suggests, jotting some notes down on my chart.

"No way" I'm quick to say "she's so unique, there's not another person like her. I think that's why I find her so fascinating, because she's so one of a kind"

"Are you friends with her, or is she a stranger to you?"

"She's my best friend"

~

Meredith and I had become friends. As unlikely as it was, we'd somehow gravitated towards one another. One day, we just decided to eat lunch together and we'd stayed that way ever since.

I noticed I had started getting distracted by her months after. It was something I'd never experienced before, and was quite frankly confused by.

"Man it's been a long day" Meredith sighs, closing the door to the on call room I was attempting to sleep in behind her "scoot over, I'm cold and you're always a heater" she slides off her shoes, and into bed with me.

"There are five other beds here" I mumble, face down in the pillow "and two other on call rooms" I acted like I cared, but I really didn't. I secretly loved having her there with me.

She snuggles into my back, wrapping her arm around my waist. "You're always in this one, it's the closest one to maternity. Plus, I like cuddling with you" then, she presses her cold ass feet to my legs.

I squealed, and she laughed. That was my happy place.

~

"I have something to confess" I sigh, the next day when I was back in therapy for another session.

"What would that be?" She asks, raising her eyebrow, ready to write down my deepest confessions on her notepad.

"I'm in love with a woman"