As Time Goes On - A SebaCiel Story

Chapter 26: The Talk

The truth is something I have never been ready to tell, that is why I chose not to tell it. Instead...my beloved done so for me. Without mentioning our contract of course. That is our secret and ours alone to keep.

If demons were revealed to the public it would cause mass chaos. This society is not ready for such a revelation.

"And that's when I found him. I swore to protect him ever since...as his Butler and now as his partner."

I can barely remember the excuse we made for Sebastian to stay by my side so long ago but he never misses a beat.

"Ciel I wish I knew...I wish we could go back. That we could start over from the beginning."

"Elizabeth we should never regret the past. No matter how cruel it may be we should never regret. Regardless of what happened. Because if you are always focused on the past, you'll never live in the future."

"But-"

"No. We were...raped. But that doesn't mean it is our fault for being powerless. No matter how hard it is for you, never blame yourself for what they did to you."

"Ciel...how did you start feeling alive again?"

"I never have...I still have nightmares about what they did to me every night...sometimes I still feel that I have no control. They branded me...claimed me as an object...an item, a toy. Every time I see it...all I see is them."

Sebastian gently scoops me into his arms. Trying to comfort me in the only way that could truly affect me. And I've never been more grateful of his love than now.

"You see, I jump from power trip to power trip which is not exactly the best way to handle my situation but that's the life I have chosen. And I don't regret it one bit."

Her lips curl into a kind smile, the tears fading to nothing as her eyes softly drift from my face to my lover's.

"Ciel, I'm happy that you've finally found hope for a brighter future. I see it in Sebastian...that kind of adoration for you is...beautiful. I just wish that someone would look at me the way he looks at you."

"Lizzy, don't give up on love. Trust me when I tell you that it comes in all shapes, sizes and sexes... I want you to be happy. And we will continue to aid you in any way we can...Including staying in the Manor for however long you need. We are always here for you Lizzy...you mean everything to me."

That's when the tears begin to roll down my own cheeks as I decide to stand, walking over to pull the taller young woman into my arms so lovingly.

"Thank you..." Is all she manages to say as Mey Rin walks in to show her to her new room.

This time. She may decorate as she wishes.

Two Hours Later

Thoughts swirl in my head a million miles a minute. Talking about that part of my life has made me realise that...maybe I could do something to break free of it.

It's rash, stupid, bold and incredibly difficult but...

If I can get rid of this feeling then maybe I could finally let go. Make peace with the child I once was.

It all depends on what Sebastian believes is the right thing to do. After all...he's not only my lover, he's my psychologist and technically my physician.

If I'm going to do anything this...dangerous, then I need to get his permission from both viewpoints.

After all...he did research this all to help me.

"Sebastian may I have a word?" I ask to the empty room, yet I smile at the thought of his presence. It's a touching thing to have someone who will hear your voice from anywhere in the world. I'm never alone.

It only takes a second for him to appear before me in a blur so quick that he was invisible to my eyes.

"Yes, my Love?" He asks with nothing but adoration in his eyes.

"I would like your opinion on something. Your personal opinion and psychological based opinion."

"What is your idea?"

"I..." I clear my throat rather loudly. Standing here, in front of my partner, proposing something like this is embarrassing to say the least...but this could help me a lot if it works.

"I feel as though I have found a solution to the personal issue that I hid from Elizabeth when talking about my past today."

"Do you mean the feeling of losing control?"

"Yes...and no. I'm mostly talking about the fear of close intimacy...God, what am I saying?" I sigh but the growing anxiety begins to set in, making even my breathing ragged.

"Don't be embarrassed about anything my dear. You can tell me anything you wish. I will not judge you."

"Well...my idea is that...maybe if I...what if we...I..."

"You want to try to get rid of this feeling by having control...via sexual intercourse. Correct?"

All I can do is squeak, avoiding eye contact entirely but I end up eventually nodding in agreement.

"I see..." He gently places his gloved hand under my chin, moving my head so that I must look him in those beautiful eyes. "As your partner, I would be honoured." His sweet smile only tells me just how true his statement truly is. "As your psychologist however, I must say that this is extremely dangerous. You could have a panic attack, have more intense nightmares afterwards, you could faint, you could feel what they did to you all over again and you could even associate me with what they did to you..."

The worry he feels is made clear as he gently brushes his lips on mine. "You see this is your decision. If you decide that you really want to try this, then of course I'm going to support you. And don't worry about how I feel, honestly I'm happy just being here at your side and I would never deny a chance to be intimate with you in whatever way you wish me to be."

Seeing him like this only makes me want this more. That extremely light blush on his cheek that you can only see if you focus on it is enough to convince me.

I want to risk this.

I will never associate him with them.

"I want...I want to." I mumble through my embarrassment.

"Then, my dear, why don't we go on a date tonight...just the two of us."

"I would love to."