Crash and Burn

t h i r t y o n e: Alive

It had been a week since I had talked to Roman. Since the date last Friday he hadn't even tried to make it discrete that he was blatantly ignoring me. Now it was Friday again, also being the day Winter break starts, and also the day before my big county race. 

To say I was stressed was an understatement. 

I hadn't even begun Christmas shopping yet (Christmas is in a week) with everything that had been going on so far this semester. I wasn't even sure that I should get Roman a present because I was unsure of where I stood with him. Were we still friends? Did he hate me now? 

I hadn't even had time to try and go see Roman sometime after school to see what was going on because I've been training until six or later after school every day. This county race tomorrow pretty much determines if I get a scholarship to college or not; the race would be packed with scouts. If I win county I get to go to the state race being held in April, which would pretty much secure me a spot in any college I wished to go to. 

Although I was confident in my capabilities, there was a large pit settled at the bottom of my stomach just thinking about tomorrow. Last year I was the second runner up to qualify for the county race, so I missed it by one spot, and this year I had improved my times tremendously. I was almost positive I could win this race as long as I put my all into it. However, when I thought about actually racing tomorrow I felt nauseous. 

Roman had promised me weeks ago that he would come to my race no matter what, him knowing that it was basically make or break for me this season. He told me that he would do everything he could to support me, and knowing that he would be there calmed me and made me feel significantly less nervous. But now...I wasn't even sure he was going to show up and that made me want to hurl. 

Roman's presence just relaxes me and he knows just the right things to say to get me pumped up and confident. Knowing that he probably wasn't going to come just because of some stupid double date that backfired caused fear to bubble up inside of me. I was counting on Roman to keep me calm and collected tomorrow, but it was looking as if I would have to resort to Gemma, Darren, and Logan for that. Although Roman can accomplish that task ten times better than the three of them combined. 

This whole week Roman hadn't sat with me at lunch, talked with me in the halls, called or texted me, and was even avoiding just looking at me in general. Anytime I saw him in the hallway and started to walk over to him he dashed the other direction with his head down, ignoring me calling out after him. 

I was extremely worried about him, and the only thing bothering me more than the pit in my stomach when thinking about my race was the pit in my stomach that I got upon seeing Roman and Isabella together. 

Roman was never not with Isabela. Every Time I see them making out in the hallway my hands get clammy, my throat dry, and my stomach queasy. When I see her whispering in his ear that was no doubt something sexual, my hands ball into fists and my face gets hot and splotchy. But when I saw him smile at her, that was what did me in. I don't know why seeing him simply smiling at another girl put me so on edge to the point where I wanted to scream, cry, or even both. Perhaps it was because I was under the impression that he saved that gorgeous smile of his for me and only me. He never showed anyone his true emotions and feelings until me, and it took him a good month or two to warm up to me. So, why was he letting Isabella of all people see that side of him? 

I felt a pain hit me in the chest every time his eyes held that spark I was so accustomed to seeing directed towards me directed towards her instead. Did he even like her that much? I thought he just liked her for sexual reasons, but maybe he actually did start to develop feelings for her. Just the mere thought of that made me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. But, I had Logan so I needed to get over it. I probably just missed Roman as a friend since we had gotten so close over the past months. I wasn't used to being without him anymore.