Crash and Burn

f i f t y e i g h t: Bleeding

There seems to be a singular moment in every person's life that they attribute as the beginning of everything. A lot of people float through life blindly until something happens that changes every single perspective they've ever had. It can be something negative or something positive; either way, it's something that completely flips their world upside down. 

For the longest time, I thought meeting Roman was that moment for me. He showed me that life is so much more valuable than I was making it out to be. He made me realize that hiding in my shell wasn't the way I should be living because really, that's not living at all. 

Roman made my senses that I had repressed since my dad died come alive once again. My sense of adventure and cherishing things while living in the moment were blossoming with the help of his love. I was no longer scared of every little thing, I wanted to welcome every opportunity with open arms because I knew that he would be there to experience it right by my side. He would always be there to catch me if I fell. 

I finally felt like myself again. He was just the little push that I needed to make that long jump. It was ingrained into my head that Roman was my everything. We were everything.

However, now I'm realizing that meeting him wasn't the beginning of my everything. 

It was losing him. 

"Tessa, Roman is dead."

The words echo around in my head on a constant loop, sounding more dreadful each time. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel detached from my own sad reality. This isn't real, and there's no possible way that it ever will be. There's no way that the universe could be this punishingly cruel as to take away the one person that serves as my oxygen when I was finding it hard to breathe. 

The way Roman brought the best out in me wasn't some sharp change from my entire life as I know it. It was different and chaotically exciting, but he didn't change the universe I was accustomed to. He had changed the person that I was accustomed to being. Roman simply dragged me out of my own dark hole, allowing all the things I was too afraid to feel for so long to finally come back to me. 

Now as I sit here in this hospital bed, I realize that the words wrapping themselves around my throat are the words that will change my universe. 

Losing Roman is like losing a piece of me. 

A part of me always knew that Roman had my heart from the very beginning. Everything happens for a reason, and I'm a strong believer in fate. It was always my fate to end up with Roman, just as I was his fate. We were each other's fate. Being the other half of him was always set in stone in my future, however not having him seems to be throwing my fate off course. 

For me, this is the singular moment that changes everything. 

Every time I get a waft of nicotine or mint, I will think of Roman. Every time I see anyone ice skating, I will think of Roman. Every time I see anyone wearing combat boots and a leather jacket, I will think of Roman. Every time I see a pick-up truck, I will think of Roman. Every time I watch a Disney movie, I will think of Roman. Every time I go to a diner, I will think of Roman. Every time I see roses, I will think of Roman. Every time I breathe, I will think of Roman.

Every minute of every day I will mourn and grieve for Roman. 

"Tessa, honey. Please say something."

My mom's plead seems to make me conscious of my own body once again. 

I begin to feel my limbs quivering and the stammering beat of my heart. However, I wish I could escape this body. I wish I could escape it all and be free from the pain I'm feeling. Not pain from my injuries, but the pain radiating from my heart.