Crash and Burn

f o r t y f o u r: Nothing to You

Ten days. 

It had been ten days since Roman "broke up" with me if that's what you would even call it. Can you even break up with someone you never officially were in a relationship with?

Either way, it had still been ten days since any sort of contact with Roman. He hadn't even come to school at all, which I wasn't surprised about. I don't know if it's because he thinks it's easier to stay away from me if he can't see me at all, but I hated every minute of this nonetheless. 

Every excruciating second of this weighed down on my heart, making it seem like it was hard to breathe. I couldn't focus in class, my running wasn't improving anymore, and my overall mood was just overwhelming sadness all the time. The first couple of days when my mom noticed my sudden change in mood I just played it off as stress, which is my go-to excuse. However, after about day four she started to catch on that stress really wasn't my issue. When she kept asking all I could tell her was that Roman and I got into a fight, but not that we split altogether. I really couldn't deal with her inevitable 'first heartbreak' talk that she would for sure give me if I revealed that part to her. I appreciate her concern, but I would really much rather deal with this all on my own. 

As for Gemma and Darren, they knew about the breakup. They didn't know the detailed specifics about the reason, but I did tell them that it was because Roman has a hard life at home and needs to focus on his brother. They've tried to cheer me up every day for the past ten days, but this isn't something that I can move on so fast from. 

Every day at lunch they try to distract me with funny or happy stories and after school, they've been coming over with donuts or ice cream to watch movies with me. I loved them for it, don't get me wrong, but I hated the feeling of someone pitying me. 

I've always been the type of person who has kept her feelings to herself, never wanting to feel vulnerable enough to talk about them. That's why I appreciated Darren and Gemma, they knew this about me. They've refrained from all Roman-talk for the past ten days and I'm very grateful for that because I don't even think I can say his name without shedding a tear. 

As for the crying part of this whole situation, I couldn't stop. I cry every time I think about all the happy moments Roman and I had together. I cry every time I replay our breakup in my head. I cry myself to sleep most nights. I just cry all the time. 

The dark circles under my eyes were really making an appearance these days, no matter how much concealer I layered over top of them. Around day six I gave up on my appearance altogether. My outfits have only consisted of leggings or sweatpants and a sweatshirt. My teachers looked at me curiously for the first couple of days of my new fashion choices, as they were used to me dressing nicely every day. However, after the third day of the "new me", they didn't bother giving me a second glance. Maybe they figured my "senioritis" was finally kicking in. 

Now it was Friday, and Gemma and Darren were over at my house like they had been almost every night. This is how we used to be before Roman got catapulted into my life, catching both of us off guard. Gemma, Darren and I used to be remarkably inseparable, so for a split second, I feel guilty for not spending as much time with them. On the tiny little sliver of the bright side though, at least now I won't have to be splitting my time between Roman and them anymore. 

"I'm soooo bored," Gemma whines as she flops down on my couch after inserting our third movie of the evening. It was eight o'clock on a Friday night and all we were doing was sitting around. Gemma was always the type who wanted to be spontaneous and go out to do something. I on the other hand, always much preferred staying in, so this urge was especially heightened now.