Crash and Burn

f i f t y n i n e: Making Amends

I sit there in shock as I take in my mom's reaction to my sudden question about my dad's death. By looking at her fidgeting and the slight glisten of sweat on her forehead, she's lying when she tells me that my dad's cause of death was ruled a "suicide" by the official autopsy report.

"Well, that's funny because right before he murdered my boyfriend, Rick told me that he also murdered my father by shooting him in the head."

I wasn't expecting myself to come right out with what I know, let alone be so harsh about it, but somehow it just happened. My mom looks as if I've slapped her in the face followed by a rough punch in the gut, all of the air forced to leave her lungs. 

"T-Tessa, that's not true...I-... Rick was just trying to get under your skin! He's an evil man, why would you believe anything he says!?" my mom stutters her words out, clearly not knowing exactly what she should be saying. I can see she opted for the deflection mechanism, blaming Rick for lying and blaming me for falling for it. However, this isn't going to fly with me. She can't escape it this time.

"Because Roman was there, for God's sake! He didn't know it was my dad at the time, but when Rick brought it up, he looked as if he had seen a ghost! Why would Roman ever lie to me about that?!" I get closer to her, boring my own angry eyes into her scared ones. Her face goes even paler than it already was as she takes in this information, knowing she has no excuse to lie anymore. 

"Okay, I can explain everything. I know you must be mad, but trust me-"

"MAD?? You think I'm just MAD?? I'm FURIOUS!! I just found out that my mother has been lying about how my dad died for the past four fucking years of my life! Did you know it was Roman's adoptive father who did it this entire time too, and you just never cared to mention that to me?!" I fume, pacing back and forth in the kitchen now. I hate to even be thinking this, but if I don't get out of this house soon I might hit her. 

Okay, well I wouldn't do that, but I'm seriously tempted. I love my mom, but this is the largest amount of betrayal I've ever felt. Even more betrayed than when Logan showed up in the warehouse because, to be honest, I should have seen that one coming. 

"What? Of course, I didn't know that! If I would have known who Rick was I would not have hesitated to tell you. Tessa, FBI agents are not allowed to inform anyone of the cases that they work on, not even family! Your dad could never tell me what he was doing! Every time he went out on a mission I had to sit here and wonder what the hell he was getting himself into, not knowing if he was going to make it out alive. I didn't want you and Casey to have to endure that too, so we opted not to tell you. When your father died, all the FBI told me was that it was a drug dealer who killed him! Do you know what it's been like knowing some man SHOT my husband, and I couldn't even know who had done it?"

My mom's words stun me into silence. I stop pacing but keep my back turned on her as I let her words sink in. What she said made sense, it would not have been a good idea to tell two young kids that their dad was in an organization as dangerous as the FBI. It also made me feel better knowing that she didn't know I was dating the adoptive son of my father's killer. However, all of that is still not an excuse as to why she didn't tell Casey and I the truth after our father was killed. I'm eighteen and Casey is sixteen for crying out loud! I think we could have handled our harsh reality, but we never even got the opportunity to ever know the truth. 

"Why the hell didn't you tell me or Casey any of this? I understand that it must have been hard losing dad to someone you couldn't even see be put into jail, but that's no excuse to keep your own children in the dark about all of it!" I whip back around to face her, running my hands frustratedly through my hair.