The Claire Years

T W E N T Y • N I N E

I'm twenty nine and I bump into Claire coincidently.

            The last time we saw each other we were naked in Australia. We haven't seen each other for almost two years. I've kept my visit to my parents to a minimum so I wouldn't inadvertently bump into her. We don't live in the same city anymore.

I have no idea what's going on with her.

We go get coffee. The walk there is painful, just exchanging small talk about the weather. I've never felt so far from her before.

When we finally sit down with coffee I say what I've wanted to ask for more than a year. "Last time I heard anything about you, you were pregnant."

Claire stares at her drink. "I lost the baby. I had to deliver her still born."

My eyes fill with tears. Fuck. No. Poor Claire. As much as knowing she was pregnant with Scott's baby had hurt me, the truth was, I really wanted her to have that kid. Whatever happened between us I would always want for her to be happy and have everything she wants. "Oh my god, Claire..."

She's looking up, trying to keep her own tears from falling. "It's difficult having a child at my age," she reminds me softly.

"I'm so sorry for you."

And then she looks me straight in the eyes and says, "You should be sorry for yourself too. It was yours."

I drop my hands. I blink slowly. No. That was wrong. That couldn't be true.

"Your mom said to my mom it was Scott's."

"That's because it's what I let everyone believe. Except Scott. I was quite clear with him but he wouldn't believe me."

I shake my head. This doesn't make sense. "It couldn't be mine."

"It could actually. It couldn't be Scott's. I was still on the pill and we used protection."

"You weren't on the pill with me?"

"No..."

"And we didn't..."

"No..."

This is unbelievable. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I would have. I was going to. But then I lost her and..." she takes a deep breath, "and it seemed pointless."

"Even then, you should have told me. I could have been there for you." I can't bear to think about Claire, hurt and alone and grieving without anyone to console her. It breaks my heart all over again.

"Yeah, that would have been nice..." she smiles sadly at me. "I really missed you, you know."

I get up from my chair. I don't care. We would have had a baby. We lost it. I need a hug. I walk to Claire's side and she gets up too and I wrap my arms around her and she lets me. She clutches at the back of my shirt, her face pressed against my shoulder.

I can't believe it. I feel a little hollow inside. We could have had a baby.

I had never let myself believe that Claire's baby could have been mine. I had always assumed that if it had been, she would have told me.

After a solid minute of hugging we sit back in our chair. I assume that my eyes reflect the same sadness that I can see in hers.

I take a deep breath and try to find my courage. "Claire... can we just... can... look the last thing I ever wanted was to lose you, to not have you in my life. I never should have gone to Australia. I should have let you go through your heart break on your own. I shouldn't have screwed up our relationship."

She shakes her head a bit. "You didn't do this all on your own you know, I was there too. I started it."

"But I never stopped you," I answer her. It's hard not to think back to that night and that day and that other night. I never would have had enough strength to stop her. I would be a terrible alcoholic. Or a very good one at it, really. "Can we just... can we just go back to the way things were before? I won't mention being in love with you anymore. I'll forget about my feelings. I'm not okay without you."

"I'm not okay without you either," she admits. "Maybe we should start our Sunday brunch ritual again," she offers.

I didn't even expect that much. I would have been okay with a monthly phone call. I try not to let my eyes fill with tears. "I would love that."

She looks like she might cry too. "Me too."