The Claire Years

T H I R T Y

I'm thirty and I'm having a party for my birthday.

            The guys from work are throwing it. I invited Reggie and some friends from college too, but I don't think they'll show up. Everyone is too busy these days. I'm okay with it. It's not like it's anything new to me.

Life is getting better. Claire and I have been having brunch again every Sunday. It was weird the first few times. When you've had your head in between someone's legs it kind of changes your dynamic. I thought I knew everything about Claire before, but now I also know the face she makes when she comes.

After we tried acting like we never had sex, we figured there was no point in ignoring the facts. So things are back to the way it used to, mostly, aside from when she yawns and I say, "careful, that looks pretty scandalous to me now."

My party is at the bar we usually go to if we want a beer. It's a nice place and it's not filled with college students in scanty dresses shouting for no reasons or douche bags with more hair gel on their heads than is necessary to keep things in place during a tornado and enough cologne to keep bugs at bay.

I invited Claire. I don't know if she'll come. I mean I know how she comes but I don't know if she'll be here.

I find myself hilarious in my head. I feel a little dead inside too. 

We're about a dozen there and we take four of their high tables and bring them close together. We took high chairs too, but some of us just stay on our feet.

Everybody is talking and drinking and having fun.

Claire shows up.

I want to greet her with a hug, the way I normally would, but I feel all flustered suddenly. I feel strange having people looking at us and I feel strange having her here. I don't know how I'm supposed to act. Am I supposed to just act like we're friends? If they ask, can I admit we had sex? They'll probably ask. 

I don't know what I'm thinking and what I'm doing so I just drink to shut up my head and Claire looks like she's amused by me.

I want to glare at her. I also want to kiss her.

Damn it.

I introduce her as my longest standing friend Claire and she easily navigates her way around my friends, chatting with everyone.

Suddenly, one of my friends, Jim asks, "So, when will you finally start dating someone?"

"No one is exactly lining up to date me," I answer.

Everyone around the table start barking stuff and I suddenly feel really attacked, in a hilarious way.

Jim manages to shut everybody up and adds, "What about that forensic analyst that's always making moon eyes at you?"

I can't help it, I glance quickly at Claire. She doesn't seem to mind. I want her to mind. I want her to be jealous. But I also remember what I told her. I have to forget about my feelings if I want to keep her in my life.

I can do that. "Fine, I'll ask her out on Monday. Happy?" I roll my eyes.

Jim and the other guys start barking and howling like idiots and everyone in the bar is staring at us and I'm laughing.

My friends are idiots.

We keep chatting and drinking. At a certain point I really need to go pee so I excuse myself and head to the bathroom. They're in the basement of the building.

Someone walks into the bathroom while I'm washing my hands.

It's Claire.

I'm about to ask her if she's lost because this is definitely not the woman's bathroom when she tells me, "I'm going to be a hundred percent honest with you right now."

"You don't like that shirt?" I say, looking down at it, pulling it away from me a little. I'd been debating about it all night in my head. "I get it. The pattern is a little over the top."

"No, I want you inside me so bad I think I would actually take you in that bathroom stall."

I run a hand over my head, rubbing the nape of my neck. I swallow loudly. "Woah, someone had a little too much cranberry vodka," I say jokingly.

"I'm dead fucking serious."

"Claire?"

"I've wanted you for a while now. I wanted you before Australia. You know, I stopped being in love with Scott long before he cheated on me. Hell, I wanted you when you broke up with Quinn, maybe a little before that even. I didn't want to admit it to myself, I just tried to write it off as acknowledging that you had grown up quite nicely. I was imagining you while fucking Scott at the end. Ask him. I always told him to keep the lights off."

I think I might need to hold on to something. I'm feeling a little dizzy. She can't be serious. "Claire, I think we should go back to our table," I tell her before she keeps on messing with me and my poor feelings.

"No, I really don't think we should," she says and takes a closer step towards me.

I raise my hands, backing away. "We already did this dance before Claire. My heart was thrown in a meat grinder afterwards. Do you remember? Because I remember quite well." I'm actually a little pissed now. How dare she?

"I'll call my mother right now and tell her I'm dating you. She already knows actually, that I love you. I'm pretty sure she figured it out before me. Apparently, I used to talk more about you than about Scott. Scott knew too."

I try to forget I heard her say love. I have to be strong. "You're just saying that because you're drunk and because the guys were trying to set me up and you got a little jealous. It happens to the best of us. Don't worry. I'll pretend like you didn't say anything."

"I'm not drunk. I had one drink. I've been meaning to say this for a while now, but I never had the courage. I knew you would react like this. It's a very legitimate reaction, I completely deserve it. But I've been dreading it."

I run my hands over my head again and pace around the small bathroom. "Shit Claire, are you even hearing yourself? How could you say stuff like that? How could you say you wanted me before when you threw me away?"

She takes my arm softly, keeping me in place and looks into my eyes. "I was scared okay. I was scared of what people would think. I was scared that you might change your mind. I was scared that we're not at the same place in our lives, that we might not want the same things. I was scared that we might not last. I was scared of losing you. I'm scared that I've wasted years with the wrong person then and I'll have no chance with the right one now. I'm scared that any day you could find some other girl and fall in love with her more than you ever did me."

I look at her hand on my arm. I look in her eyes. She'll be my undoing, that woman. "I could never love anyone more than you Claire," I say softly.

"I'm sorry Westley, I'm so sorry. I might be older, but I'm definitely not wiser," she tells me, her eyes watery.

I think mine are too. I stare at the ceiling. I sniff and run a hand under my noise, under my eyes. I try to recompose myself. I look back into her eyes. "You can't be kidding around here. Are you serious? Are you honest right now?"

She stands up a bit, like this is serious business. "Yes, a hundred percent."

"You want us to date?"

"Yes."

"You regret breaking my heart?"

"Yes."

"You were scared before but you won't be now?"

"Yes."

"And you want us to have sex in that bathroom stall?"

"Yes."

I pick her up in my arms, while she laughs, throwing her head back, walk all the way into the bathroom stall and lock the door behind us.