New perspective (#1)

Chapter 39

Ryan's POV
I was far too familiar with this feeling. The feeling of loss, the feeling of being broken. Yet it was years ago I felt it this much. All I could think about was Brendon.

Brendon.

It's strange how big of an impact he made in my life during such a short time.

Brendon, Brendon, Brendon.

Even though my mind was focused on one thing it was still spinning around in circles like it was on a roller coaster. A severe one.

He was my happy source. That's something I used to call my mother before she died. And now when I had finally found a new source I was losing that one as well. But the last thing I'd do is admit that to him.

The man who slammed the door behind me had a firm grip of my arm, probably leaving a mark, and dragged me towards my dorm. His filthy nails sunk into my skin and whether he meant to or not it was painful. It was like he was digging a grave in my skin.

Even though the door to his office was closed I could still hear Brendon desperately shouting my name in a raspy and heartbroken voice. I wanted to say something, I wanted to shout something back, I wanted to tell him that it was all gonna be okay even if it wasn't. But I couldn't bring myself to even open my mouth no matter how hard I tried.

So I let it be.

I could no longer hear Brendon's voice in the distance, only the angry footsteps the principal took. By now people would open their doors to their dorms and check what was going on. Normally the principal would yell at them to go back to sleep, but I suppose he was just as frustrated as me.

"Oh and by the way, give me your phone. I can't risk you two keeping touch in any possible way." The principal ordered and reached out his hand. But instead of giving it to him, I took it out of my nearly torn out pocket and threw it onto the dark floor where it shattered and instead of being in one piece it became hundreds. Pieces would litter the hallway even metres away from where I actually threw it.

It was like hundreds of falling stars.

"Well that was unnecessary." He sighed. I smirked at him. A smirk that said 'you have no power over me.' Although the truth is, he does. But not for long. And yeah, I get that it was unnecessary to break my phone. But he had already taken away Brendon from me. I wasn't gonna let him take anything else that belonged to me even if it was just a stray of hair.

We reached my dorm and I was just about to open the door when the man spoke. "I'm hoping you've learnt yourself a lesson from this." Mr. Dawson said as he cleared his throat.

"In your dreams, asshole." I spat and stormed into my room before he could say anything. I closed the door, not caring what was gonna happen next. He wouldn't expell me since then I could be with Brendon and that's the last thing he wanted. If he'd rather have a maniac at this school than a gay couple outside of school, then I'll be the worst fucking maniac.

At least he won't be able to stop me when I finish school. Sooner or later I'm gonna leave this hell. Maybe I could find a way to find Brendon once I finish school.

Mr. Dawson didn't say anything. All he did was kick the door slightly discrete, obviously trying to control his anger.

Little did he know this was only the beginning.

The room was dark and silent. I collapsed and landed on the cold floor, just laying there, shivering and staring at the blank ceiling. My spine was hurting.

Brendon.

Fuck. What just happened? I can't think straight. I was just here with Brendon in my arms. Everything happened so fast. We talked, we laughed. He told me he loved me. I stayed silent. He cried. The principal stormed in in the middle of the night. Why then? Why didn't he do it in the morning when he was supposed to be awake? How did he know Brendon was with me?

He took Brendon away from me. Brendon is being expelled and picked up by his father any minute now while I'm forced to stay here whether I like it or not.

I may never see Brendon ever again.

That's when I realised my cheeks were wet and my eyelashes heavy. I was crying. No, I was bawling my eyes out. The last time I did this was when my mother died.

"Ryan... What happened?" A soft voice whispered carefully. I couldn't speak. I was a crying corpse. I may have been a big part of Brendon's life, but he was a big part of mine as well. Bigger than I thought, I realised that now.

"Come here." The voice which belonged to my best friend said and he grabbed my shoulders, pulling me onto his lap. I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him. He hugged me back, holding me tight, making sure I wouldn't fall apart.

But it was already too late.

"I can't do this anymore!" I screamed. Seems like that was the only way I could speak. I inhaled his scent, thinking for half a second that it was Brendon. I drowned in disappointment when it wasn't.

"Shh, Ryan, it's gonna be okay." Spencer said soothingly.

"No, no. It's not gonna be fucking okay!" I managed hysterically.

"What did he do? What did Rian do?!" Spencer asked, rage obviously building up inside of him.

"He expelled Brendon. He won't let me see him ever again." I cried hysterically, trying my best to control my breaths.

"We're here for you, Ryan." Another voice said. It was Patrick. He was sitting next to us now, gently rubbing my back.

I wanted to laugh at his words.

Because yeah, right, that's what everyone always says. Do they really mean it though or are they just saying it to be nice? I don't even know anymore. I don't know the difference between nice and fake nice.

Words can't prove anything, only actions can. So if they're really here for me they better be, cause even if I don't show it much, I really need them.

Ryan Ross, the independent asshole, needs his friends. That's news.

-

"I love you, Ryan." Brendon whispered.

"Go to hell." I said and stabbed him with a knife. His blood splashed all over me, even into my mouth. It didn't taste like iron though, it tasted like honey. He was dead. I killed him.

"Brendon! I'm sorry!" I screamed in frustration. That's when I realised I was in bed alone, there was no Brendon, there was no blood and no knife. It was just a bad dream. Yet I held out my arm above the rest of the empty bed, hoping he would still be there somehow. But once again, the disappointment suffocated me.

I'm not sure how I fell asleep and I can't remember how I got to my bed, but I suppose Spencer and Patrick carried me. At least sleeping is better than facing the real nightmare, life.

"Ryan! Calm down, you're safe." Spencer said and rushed over to my bed. The memories of last night took over my brain and tears covered my eyes. It wasn't just because I'll never see Brendon again. It's also cause I probably made it look like I don't love him. I didn't say it back, I stayed silent. I hurt him.

But I do love him.

"I... I love him." I whispered, my eyes widening.

"Of course you do." Spencer said, softening. "It doesn't surprise me that I knew it before you did." He added, a small smile on his lips.

"Why didn't I say it back?! He's probably gonna hate me forever now! I hurt the only one I love." I rambled and started banging my head on the wall.

"Ryan, stop it! You weren't sure and that's okay. I'm sure Brendon understands, he's very understanding you know." My best friend said as he grabbed me and stopped me from hurting myself.

"But he-.. he cried." I mumbled, my voice cracking in the middle. Maybe I didn't know what love was last night, maybe I had to lose him to realise that he has my heart. And it breaks me knowing that he thinks he doesn't.

The guilt made me feel sick to my stomach. I was so cruel without even thinking about it. How could I do that to him?!

"We're gonna find a way to tell him, okay?" Spencer said, trying to sound as convincing as possible.

But he failed.

-

Oof. Even I'm getting sad just writing about this stuff.