Holding Hands (Jardougall)

The History

Tay's P.O.V.

"Jenna," I started. I didn't really want to hear what she had to say about Alex. I didn't want to even talk about him.

"Tay, what's going on between you and Alex?" she questioned.

It kind of made me feel like an ass because I couldn't read how she was feeling. Her eyes were on the verge of changing to blue, but they never quite made it, and she gently bit her bottom lip. We sat down on a bench just outside of the room as I fumbled with the material on my black dress. Before we left, Jenna told me that it made me look hot, especially with the way it hugged my curves, but I didn't think so. Jenna refused to wear a dress, so I told her that, as long as she looked presentable, she could wear whatever. So now she was wearing a flannel overtop a shirt that said "Gay or Straight?" and a pair of black skinny jeans--but her flannel was buttoned.

"There's nothing going on between me and Alex," I lied quietly. Honestly, I didn't want to tell Jenna about all of my history with Alex. Sometimes he could be my best friend, but then he was a downright asshole the next day.

"I may not have seen you for eight years but I know when you're lying to me," Jenna said.

I sighed and looked down at the floor, still avoiding Jenna's eyes. I was afraid that all I would read was pain.

"Okay..." I said with a breath, and I told Jenna everything.

Four years after Jenna left, on my eighteenth birthday, I had a psychotic meltdown. Recently, I had been having mild panic attacks that were worse after thinking about Jenna--and she was all I would think about. My family took it upon themselves to invite every single one of the kids at my school that Devin, Lindsey, and I talked to, including Alex and the guys. My mom wasn't at the party because she trusted Sam to watch all of us kids, so there were people running around doing shots, shotgunning beers--you name it. I refused to get involved with the alcohol consumption, so I was just kind of hanging out in the living room. Alex sat down beside me and for the first time since the last day of eighth grade, we talked. That entire night, I had been thinking about Jenna and how we were always desiring to be together on my eighteenth, so I was pretty down in the dumps that entire night. He must have noticed, too. At one point, the depression was too much and I excused myself from the conversation. I ran straight up into my bedroom and into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door shut before having a meltdown. I cried for half an hour before I stood up and looked myself in the mirror. That was the first time I ever self-harmed. The depression swallowed me whole and all I remember was that there was blood all over the inside of the sink. I only sobbed harder. Alex must have understood that something was wrong when I left, because soon, he was pounding on the bathroom door, screaming for me to let him in. But I couldn't because I couldn't stop the bleeding no matter how hard I tried. I was feeling exhausted, and in pain, as I held the paper towels over my arm, and Alex busted the door in. Then I passed out.

Jenna stared at me when I finished with that part of the story, her eyes that breath-taking steel blue. Some time during the story, she had taken my hands in hers, and then she pulled me into a hug, pulling me into her lap.

"I'm so sorry," she said quietly, burying her face in my neck. "I'm so sorry, Tay, really. I should have been there. I feel like such an ass for never calling you, especially on your birthday..."

"Jen, it's fine now," I said, and it was true. "All that matters is that you're here now."

Jenna sighed and kissed my cheek. "So... Is there more?"

I let out a breath. "Okay... A week ago, Alex and I started talking again, and he was really flirty. Honestly, I was a little disgusted with myself for flirting back. Two days ago, I had a party and invited him over. We were really really drunk and just...we had sex..."

Jenna raised her head as though she was about to nod, but she clenched her jaw a little.

"It-it meant nothing, I swear. We were just drunk."

She turned and looked at me, her eyes now officially blue. She had relaxed her jaw, which calmed me a bit.

"So, what? Are you two best friends with benefits now?"

"No, Jenna, please. That's not it at all."

"Then what is he to you?"

I looked down at our hands and sighed, shaking my head. What was Alex to me? Was he even a friend? Was he more than that?

"I...I don't know," I answered truthfully. One thing I wasn't going to ever do to Jenna was lie to her, even if the truth hurt more than protecting her from it. "All I know is that it meant nothing... You will always be the only person in the entire universe that will ever mean that to me... Wait, did that make sense?"

Jenna smiled and nodded. "Yes," she said. She placed her hand on the side of my face and pulled me closer to her.

"Oh, okay, good, because-"

Jenna and I kissed, which shut me up immediately.

Jenna's P.O.V.

"Hey, everything okay?" Lindsey quizzed when Tay and I returned to our seats. We both smiled at her.

"Yeah," we said.

"Good," Sam said. "We want a wedding."

"I don't care what happens," Devin said. "I want food, then I'll be there."

Tay giggled adorably and I wrapped my arm around her shoulder, sending a soft smile her way.

"Have you had sex yet?" Lindsey asked and Devin plugged his ears, standing up.

"La la la," he said. "I can't hear you."

He walked away from the table as we all laughed at him, and Lindsey looked expectantly at us.

"Hey, no," Tay said.

Lindsey and Sam laughed and started a small conversation with each other as Devin returned to his seat with steak on a plate.

"No hate," he said, scratching his beard.

While everyone else was occupied, Tay took to looking at her surroundings, while I just looked at her. The way her hair rested perfectly on her shoulders, the way that dress looked on her--she was just beautiful. When she looked up into my eyes, I couldn't help but smile nervously. That beautiful smile found its way onto her lips, her dimples appearing.

"You are so beautiful," I whispered, so her siblings wouldn't hear.

"No," she whispered. "I am not."

"You really, really, are, Tay. You're the most beautiful girl that I have ever seen."

"Obviously, you haven't seen many girls."

I but my lip in frustration and Tay giggled, grabbing her wine glass to take a sip.

"You're cute when you're pissed," she giggled.

"No, shh. Love, am I allowed to kiss you out in the open?"

Tay smiled and set her glass back down. "Ew. I don't wanna kiss you."

"Yes, you do."

Tay scrunched up her nose, which made her look even cuter. "Damn, you're right. I really do." She pressed her lips to mine, and we kissed for a few seconds before she pulled away. "Ew," she said, making a face.

I laughed at her and pulled her closer to me, kissing her lightly again. She kissed back and when we pulled away, I brushed some of her hair behind her ear to peck her on the lips again. I then realized that she had a grip on my flannel, down near my waist.

"When in the hell is this thing over so I can have you all to myself?" she whispered, a sparkle in her eyes.

"Hey, no sex, Jardine," I said, even though I really wanted it. But it would make things go too fast, and I just wanted to live in the moment. I wanted to wait until the right time for our first time.

Tay pouted and released my shirt, intertwining our fingers instead. "Fine," she sighed, sticking her tongue out at me, so I mimicked her.