Kickstart My Heart

XXIV: Alone In the Cold

Lila

I was seated on a bench not far from the fountain where I had broke down. With my knees pulled to my chest I took a puff of the cigarette I'd bummed off a resident. The young woman had obviously tripped over her words when I had asked and usually this would have made me smirk at the least but right now I just didn't give a shit. There was no telling how long I had sat out in the calm white courtyard; it felt like forever but I wasn't sure and again, I really didn't care enough to find out.

"Lila?"

Glancing over my shoulder brought Taylee into view but I quickly looked away, letting the cigarette hang from my lips. My arms were wrapped tight around my legs now, as if it would keep me from falling apart a second time. When she sat down beside me she brushed a strand of hair away from my face and I saw her frown dip even lower. I knew I was drenched from head to toe at this point; the surgical cap had been tossed into the garbage when I had gone looking for a nicotine fix.

"You're soaked, Jesus, have you been out here this whole time?"

After taking one last long drag I tossed the smoke into a snow bank and just glanced at her again, still not speaking.

"I haven't seen you smoke since we were in college..."

"How long have I been out here," I finally croaked.

My body gave a tremendous shiver, my mind finally taking note of the cold, making my teeth chatter. Taylee wrapped her lab coat around my shoulders and pulled me to feet.

"It's been a half hour since I got Logan out of my operating room and you left an hour before that," she replied, pushing me towards the warmth of the hospital.

It should have been warmth but I felt a wave of anxiety wash over me all over again. Walking back through those doors would mean having to face the fact I had been unable to save my patient. Unable to save Logan's father...

"Let's get you cleaned up huh? You've still got blood on you..."

It all went by without me really processing any of it; we went to my office and grabbed a change of clothes before Taylee lead me to the nearest bathroom. My reflection made me stop and for a long moment all I could do was stare back at a woman I scarcely recognized. Not only were my cheeks red from the cold but so were my eyes from the out of character tears that had been shed. Arthur's blood was dried across my neck and along my temple and ear. Not as apparent as it would have been had I stayed inside but it was still there, streaked slightly from the melted snow as it struck my skin. Fighting back another rush of tears that threatened to spill over, I quickly washed my face and changed into the pair of slacks and the button up that had been stashed in my office.

"They're going to be waking Logan up in about in a bit, Lila," Taylee said through the door.

With my shirt tucked into my slacks and the belt tightened I took a deep, steadying breath and opened the door. Taylee's eyes met mine searchingly but as I tied my hair up in a firm bun, I returned her gaze with the steely poker face I had perfected. She lifted a hand and in her grip was my lab coat.

"Thanks, what room is she in," I asked turning towards the elevators.

"My floor, room 10."

My wing was quiet, as it was well past midnight now. It felt as if the silence itself was a show of mourning; it felt so much quieter than usual. I could feel exhaustion starting to bear down on my shoulders but I refused to let it, or any other feeling or emotion for that matter, show. I pulled my lab coat on; at this point it was more of a security blanket, pulling me back into something I knew with every beat of my heart. Medicine was my life line, but even now that felt as if it was slipping away. I was the best surgeon in the country, never lost a patient on my table, not once. It was a statistic I took pride in and now it was gone, ripped from my being along with Arthur's last breath and the final beat of his heart. Worse even still, Logan's life as she knew it had been ripped out of her grasp just like that; and I had failed to keep it from happening. I had failed to keep her from getting hurt...