survive - 생존

Chapter 14 : Crisis

I couldn't sleep. I spent my night on turning and turning on myself, trying to close my eyes but being unable to do it. There were so many questions in my mind that couldn't find an answer. The director's message really upset me. After we read it, my roommates and I looked at each other without a word. Since then, we haven't spoken a single word, too stressed to talk. I hesitated to send a message to Seung Min, but I thought we couldn't do anything about the director's text.

Now, it's five am and I'm in front of the mirror, in the bathroom, trying to get what's wrong with me. Literally one month ago, I was ready for everything, just to achieve my dream. At that time, I could have been engaged in a fishy agency just to get a place as a member in a group. I could have move to another country just to get the chance to become an idol. And now, now that I have a place in an agency, with an amazing concept, what am I doing? I'm flirting with one of my futur teammate. No that's wrong. I'm not flirting. I am dating, and I am in love with one of my future teammate. Damn stupid girl. What's wrong with you? I look at that tired and basic face and right now, I hate myself. When did I really think I could become an idol? An idol is supposed to be pretty, for a girl, she's supposed to have a fit and healthy body. I'm not like that. How could I become an idol?

Oh my god. I'm hating me even more. Why am I doubting so much about everything? It's been more than three years since I decided to give my life to become an idol. Now, it's the biggest chance I ever had to achieve my dream. Why am I underestimating me like that just NOW? It's fucking five in the morning and I'm having a crappy mental breakdown. Just wake up Ha Neul. Stop depressing like that and move on.

I tie my hair in a ponytail, silently go in my room to take some clothes, and I leave this apartment. It's suffocating. So much stress in a small place.

When I'm in the street, I put my earphones in, and run. I'm listening to iKON songs. These boys never gave up on their dreams. They're such an exemple between so many other groups. They're not the only group who went through hard times, but they touched me with their story. They really mean a lot to me and thinking about them and their story makes me relax while I'm running. The sun is already rising on this june morning and the city is slowly waking up. Some people are going to work, others are enjoying a bit of freetime in coffee shops. They all have their own lives, their own dreams, their own obligations. I'm only an ant in the anthill of this society. I could have done so many other things in my life. I could have been a lawyer, a doctor, a librarian, an architect, or a salesperson, a waitress, or even nothing of that. But I am Kang Ha Neul. And my dream is to become an idol. And I know that one day, I'll achieve it. I must believe in my dream. People should always believe in their dreams. Of course, everyone's gonna go throught hard times, but it's not a reason. Life would be too easy without ups and downs. She's testing us, and we need to show her how strong we are.

While "Rubber Band" is invading my mind, I run with all my soul, slowly recovering from my breakdown and getting confident again. What could the director tell us? It can't be this horrible. Remembering my dark thoughts about the fact that I'm in love with Seung Min, I try to convince me that it was only because of my mental breakdown and that I don't have any reason to doubt about our relationship. If we debut, we will be able to deal with it. We're adults and we know how to manage responsibilities. There is work, and there is personnal life. We won't mix them.

After more than an hour, I am finally healed from my bad mood and I'm able to go back to the dorm, unstressed. There's nobody in it and I discover a piece of paper on the kitchen table.

« Ha Neul unnie, we went to the coffee shop to try to relax. You can meet us if you want to!
Eun Jae »

I only have less than an hour now before the appointment, it's useless to meet them. I hope they'd be able to relax like I did, and that everyone will go to the meeting without too much stress.