survive - 생존

Chapter 23 : Boys Don't Cry

During the different performances of my friends, I felt my dream escaping from me. It's painful, slow, it's tearing me apart, sliding out of me, screaming, begging me to keep it a bit longer. As if it had still a hope for me to come back on my decision, waiting till the very last second to let go off me. As if it still had a tiny hope that I'm not sure about myself.

But I am. Because another dream, an even older one, is waiting to be fulfilled. And I already chose to give it the priority.

During these four last days, I did nothing but the same thing, again and again. Writing, recording, falling asleep of exhaustion, and starting again. I sometimes cried too. Because, even if I'm confident with my choice, it's still the hardest decision I took in my life. Because, even if I'm sure about what to do, there's still Something, deep inside of me, that kept blaming me for my choice. And in a certain way, that Something was right.

The atmosphere in the room is more tense than ever. I haven't talked to anybody for days. And nobody tried to do so. I can't look at Seung Min. I can't hold his gaze, I can't look at how much I disappointed him. I wipe a tear that just fell down and look up to watch Iseul sing.

Everyone is showing how much they want to stay. Everyone is begging, with their song, to be kept in the group. I'm the last one to pass for the assessment. Hopefully.

When it's He Ran's turn, I notice something unusual. The way she seems careless about her performance. Even though I don't know her well, there's one thing that I know for sure : she's not the type of person to act carelessly for anything. As if she didn't care about the final fate. In horror, I realize that she's like me.

She ends her song and immediately leaves the center of the room to go back to her place. Not even a bow or a "thank you". Is it really the shy and fragile He Ran in front of us? Am I the only one to see what is happening?

I'm interrupted in my thoughts when Seung Min gets up. It's his turn. I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to hear what song he chose. I'm not ready to hear his voice. Not after everything I did to him.

He could have slapped me in the face that the shock wouldn't have been so violent. I need less than a second to recognize the song. And I need less than a second to feel completely panicked and drowned in my sadness and guiltiness.

Boys Don't cry, by The Cure.

I told him about how much I love this song and how sad I find it. And it couldn't be more relatable than today. Silently, I let the tears roll on my cheeks. The words are hitting me so harshly, they're showing me how crual I've been.

"I would break down at your feet,
And beg forgiveness,
Plead with you.
But I know that it's too late,
And now there's nothing I can do...

So I tried to laugh about it,
Cover it all up with lies.
I tried to laugh about it,
Hiding the tears in my eyes.

Cause boys don't cry.
Boys don't cry.

I would tell you,
That I loved you,
If I thought that you would stay.
But I know that it's no use,
That you've already,
Gone away... "

But the most painful part is when Seung Min looks at me, straight in the eyes, and sings "I thought that you needed me more... ". Because I need him. More than anything. And during all this time, I made him think the opposite. I broke him. Just now, at that second, I'm starting to wonder if it's not too late to fix everything I messed up. I made him suffer too much. Keeping a secret is a thing, but hurting people to hide it is an other one. And I've crossed the thin line between the two.

He finally goes back to his place and I wipe my tears. It's my turn. But I won't sing.

When I was still a little girl, I had a dream, probably the same as a lot of other little girls. It was to find someone to love and who would love me back. And after nineteen years, I found it. It could sound too cheesy, too beautiful to be true, too fast. But in my heart, I know that it's what I wanted.

And this dream was there so much sooner than my wish to become an idol. So I just guess it wins the race in my heart. And I need to follow it.

In the end, what is a job? It's just an activity to earn money and allow you to live more easily. A job is not that important. I'll be able to sing and dance, never mind if I don't make it my job.

Something kept harassing me for all these days. What if all I did since the beginning was nothing but wrong? What if, from the start, I did nothing but take the wrong way?

I tighten the small packet in my hands. It contains all my work from these last days. Four notebooks, full of ideas and lyrics, the USB-key with every recording I did, and a letter for the group.

-Kang Ha Neul.

My heart is beating so heavily in my chest. Everything is spinning when I stand up. The director is looking at her sheets, not paying attention to me. It's the last moment to step back. It's the last moment to run away, choose a song and try my best to stay in that group, in Orpheus, and become an idol as I always wished to.

It was my last chance. I couldn't fail this time. But despite that, I pronounce the words I prepared for what seems to be years :

-I'm leaving.